Fairness of my memories.

Sunday, 13.30pm. I open the window and light up a cigarette. The sun floods my face with warmth. It is quite a rare sight in an autumn in the middle of Europe. It feels good. The smooth jazz playing in the background only completes the scenery.

For some strange reason, during my eye glazing over the mass of brown leaves and cold alleys around the block, a box of memory opens up in my consciousness. It is a kid - a kid I saw 15, maybe 20 years ago. I was also a kid and I was riding a bike. I remember I loved that bike. This kid, perhaps 1-2 years older then me, wanted to ride my bike. I didn't know him actually. We were just a bunch of kids gather around... we didn't need to know each other in order to interact, speak or play. So I was reticent upon giving him my bike. Once on it he could have run away with it and steal it. It is funny how since such a young fragile age we have such a mature sense of property.

So I didn't want to give him my bike to ride, not even for 5 minutes how he was begging me. That's when something interesting happened. Interesting because it marked me for life and modeled into a principle for who I am today. He stopped asking me, he just shed a tear (only one) - it was an honest tear shed out of disappointment and said the following (mostly to himself): "it is not fair, it is not fair that I don't have a bike and it is not fair that you don't let me ride yours for 5 minutes". This were exactly his words.

I remember that I didn't reacted then. I was staying in front of him having one hand clutched to my bike, looking at his resigned expression. I also remember processing the fairness information, trying to figure out if he is right and I am wrong, if what I should be doing was to give him the bike or not.

He was one happy kid riding my bike for 10 minutes and I was one scare kid that he will never return it to me. But he did; and he was happy and I stopped worrying.

I suppose the nice feeling I had back then for doing a small good thing to some stranger was similar to how good the sun made me feel this morning. Perhaps this is why I remembered that again.

Why is it so hard to be good to other people? Why can't we just trust other people for doing the right thing and most importantly... why can't we in return be good as well when other are so?

I also wonder, from this past's perspective, why people have the feeling I'm acidic when talking to (new) people... not mean, not rude... just acidic. I suppose I know that answer...

The truth is that I'm not perfect either and I know that life isn't fair... but I'm working on it. So should you!