Looking at the stars

A clear black sky with brightest stars in such a long time reveals this night. Reiko can only look at their beauty. Silent in the spring's breeze, his eyes fixed on the abstract of the far away lights of the sky, his lips sketching a thin smile, he's thoughts roaming free bumping into on the cliffs of abyss...

If life wouldn't have it's downfalls how could I appreciate its glimpses of happiness?

I'm sure that someone else also realized it before me. It is only logical... we can not appreciate the good things unless we had encountered the bad things. Philosophers said that you can not know the light unless you encountered darkness; and so I can not appreciate the white unless you've also seen the black. The gray is just the path from one to the other. Gray is a gradient and unlike black or white it has many stages of composition between white and black. Black and white, however, are unique - there are only two.

If life can be reduce to black and white then happiness, content, satisfaction, peace and so on can be white, and in antithesis sorrow, discontent, dissatisfaction and struggle should be black - all to their purest form...

And so, Reiko thought, could we enjoy only white or only black, metaphorically speaking? Could I only see things in white without missing the black so much not to be tempted to slide a bit into the gray scale (again)?

Getting a cigarette out, Reiko continued in his flow of thoughts: it is in our nature to always seek and desire everything - we seek to have both white and black and thus we are doomed to always live a gray life. Everything is a combination of positive and negative in our life. I think everybody is searching for the perfect combination of gray for him. Some like 50-50, some like 30-70 and some are seeking 100-0; and i feel sorry for those last bastards... they desire a theoretical mirage which they are not able by nature to achieve.

And so, I see now, if life would not have its downfalls I wouldn't be able to appreciate its rises. I couldn't appreciate happiness unless encountered sorrow, i couldn't appreciate the rain without knowing the dryness and vice-verse, dryness wouldn't be spectacular without too much rain.

A balance - in search for the balance which would satisfy my hunger... And when that perfect balance is reached I can find peace. But perfect peace is monotone... is too much white for me and everyone else, I can endure it for so long. And then I seek a bit of black... I bit of motion and action, a bit of thrilling happiness. And so the balance moves again taking me like a whirlpool to the other side of it. It hits me like a tornado and spins me out of my balance and throws me... somewhere. I need to get up. I need to start moving again... to find the balance.

Squishing the cigarette end into the ashtray Reiko takes a deep breath of air: I like spring, spring it's nice. I love it as equal to autumn, summer or winter. I love them all, without winter i can not enjoy the summer. Without summer i couldn't enjoy winter.

Without happiness i could never enjoy the tears of sorrow and depression. And i love the sorrow for it is surely the path straight to my pursue of happiness - the goal of my programming, my mind's basic rule for ensuring my continuity.

If heaven exists and it's the place of absolute happiness and content... then heaven is the place with no emotions, a place where everybody or everything has no desires thus no goal to thrive or pursue and the hole existence must be reduce to a cold place... There everything must be motionless, desireless, emotionless... Heaven is surely not the place where I'd like to end up for the rest of eternity. This kind of place or plane or dimension or whatever... can not exist for sure unless it is the cold void of nothing.

I love being alive, I'm happy that I exist and I certainly love emotions... they keep me going and they feed my hunger for life.

If life sucks, then life can be beautiful once more - and this thought alone is enough for me to...

Looking up again to the constellations Reiko allowed himself to smile. The stars are beautiful, I should look up to them more often.

... Reiko turned his back to the stars, smiling and thrilling to find what he was looking for so long. "Must be out there, whatever it is..."