The beginning of the end

The time has come. Monday on the May. It is the beginning of the end. The sun is annoying. He doesn't care. It shines bright. Too bright. My sleeping eyes are revolted. It pisses me off. At least I have my sun-glasses. I look cool with them!

I'm doing the zombie walk. Slow and steady, walking not to fall. All the way there. Start my early shift. Damn alarm clock. It has one job and one alone - and it fails me miserably. Damn stupid clock! It pisses me off. I think he does it on purpose.

I needed coffee before work. Look at me, crawling like a zombie on deserted streets. At least I understand now. I can be compassionate of them. Stupid zombies. This is why I would survive a zombie apocalypse. I know them, I study them, I understand them, I think like them... Hmm... This truly doesn't sound right. Not even to me. Pisses me off.

Forest Gump. Stupid is who stupid does. I'm smart. I'll not do the zombie walk all my life. This thought alone cheers me up. Okay. I'm cheered now. I can do this. "I'm not pissed, I'm glad that it is morning and I go to work happy!" Bleah... who am I kidding. I'm not some retarded sophist. It pisses me off. I can't wait 'till the end of the day.

Pick up the passe. Not too far now, half way there. Hey, I feel better already. Elu was right - all I have to do is smile. Smile in the morning. Hmm... smile. I remember the cow. The cow was smiling. Big sexy cowish smile: "Need sex? Just smile!" You couldn't not smile back at the cow. It was too funny... and immediately awkward. I was smiling back at the cow. Yep! It is a trick... No sex of course!

Sex. Ah... that's something else. The thought alone... The touching and the passion and the effort and the love and the passion and the feeling and the passion and the passion... It lasted for hours... sweet and passionately sex. And it felt so good. even afterward. I can still grin that stupid smile even now. Sex. Such a long... It pisses me off. That was two years ago. I didn't had any since then. Except for september. Same year. We had an other attempt. Complete failure. I sucked! I was worthless. Perhaps the worse she ever had. It pisses me off.

Finally at work. Coffee! Shit... no coins! No coffee! Two hours later - finally got coins. Coffee! For real this time. I'm already cheered. I already started writing an e-mail to a guy. I don't know him. We just have the same kind of passion. I finished the e-mail at 13.30 - almost time to go home. The mail must have 4-5 full word pages. The guy will think I'm a freak - he'll never write me back. A well - at least I did some good in the world.

Ela contacts me. Asks me stuff. I reply politely. I'm honest and casual. She seems so as well. She pissed me off recently. Several occasions. She's not aware about it. I don't give a damn anymore... She want's us to meet. Hmm. Something is not right. I pretend to be dumb. She doesn't know I can pretend it. I think she thinks that this is how I am. No reason to go into that. Let's leave it there! I ask her to go to squash. She refuses. She pretends to be too tired for squash. But she still wants us to meet in the evening. Mhehe, I got you know birdy! I can also play the evil master plan get what I want to know without asking game thing that you know to do. I ask her to join me for a cigarette. She says no, just returned from lunch. I guess I'm not important enough. She's not even saying hello to me unless she has something to talk about. Two months without calling or IM me without me doing it first. Now she wants us to meet. Oh Ela... she's finally going to ask me. I wanted to be her initiative. I have still some residue of pride. It was her initiative from the beginning, she'll have to take it the ended.

It is the beginning of the end!
I think of that over a cigarette in the parking lot. Some guys distract me. I stop thinking about it.

Home. I'm hungry as hell. Eat up. I'll meet with Ela at 8pm. She wants to see me. I know the reason, but I want to see her also. I still miss her. Even though she pisses me off. She's too indifferent. It hurts. It really does. I know that now.

I still have time to sleep. I'm tired. Dead meet. I couldn't rest enough this days. I have enough time to shave also. One week of thick hair on my face. I can't scare her like that. At least not again. And not now.

Set up the clock. Go to sleep. No dream though. Pisses me off. I like dreams. I'm feeling rested afterward. Clock rings. It's Ela: "Hi, are you still comming?" Shit! It's past 8. "Sure - the clock didn't ring, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Damn stupid shit piece of crappy clock! You're lucky you're a gift from my father!

Pull some cloths on me. Clean ones. I look like shit. Sleepy, messed hair, not shaved. Well, I guess I have to scare her anyway. She'll love it :)

Start walking. Half way there. I see a bunch of roses in a garden. I stole one. I haven't done that for some time. Darn it's full of spins. I clean the tail with my fingers. Hurts like hell... darn pointy spins! At least she'll appreciate it. She wouldn't appreciate the spines, that's for sure. I'm here. I wait for her in front of her block. She's late. Again! She's always late... must be a woman thing.

We take off and get to some place. It's near by. I came here sometimes for lunch. It's nice and cozy. We talk. It feels good. She has whine, white - it means she has something serious to talk. I already know that. I have a grog. It surprises her. She doesn't know me anymore. Talk some more. Still good.

I take a moment. I look at her. She still talks. I don't listen. I just look. She's tired. She was saying the truth, not in shape for squash. Her eyes are inexpressive. No more light in them. At least not for me. A faint spark of contempt perhaps. She's also feeling good being here, speaking with me. Too faint though. A fade makeup on the eyes. Good choice. I like it natural better, but this is discreet enough.

Her hair looks good, nicely reddish-blond color. Just the way she likes it. It was good paint job. Not orange though. I like orange. Would suit her better.

Her chicks seem tired as well. Perhaps from the new wrinkles at the eyes. The mouth looks the same. The same as I last kissed it. Same nice smile. I always loved her smile. Her lough too: honest, cheerful and sexy. I was making her laugh just to see it. But those were different times. Now we're just talking.

Her hands are almost the same. A bit too wrinkled for her age. She worked hard as an adolescent. She still does.

Her voice is warm. She's secure, breezy and untrammeled. All of it feels good. It brings up a vortex of memories with every word. We speak about getting scared and the memories flash in my eyes in the places we've been and got scared, when we were watching a movie, when she screamed in the kitchen of some apartment and some others. We speak about vacations. She mentions Greece. Our honey moon starts playing in the back of my head. The bus, the arrival, the room, the beech, the songs, the cloths, the sex, the hikes, the ruins, the cities, the dives, the starfish, the ATV, the boat, the giant jellies, the water, the kisses, the dreams, the hopes and the love. They all race me at that table as never before in my life. It is still a fresh feeling. Now I can allow myself a few tears. I didn't at the table.

She has two topics, a serious one and a pleasant one. I know which is the serious but no clue about the last. She's better to get it out of her chest. I choose the serious one first. She was remembered that we're still married. It's time to end it. I knew that. I was waiting for her.

We can do it here, we don't need to do it in our own country. That's better. Faster. Less stress. We'll do it soon. She'll start the request.

The pleasant topic: a bought her last year a bottle of champagne. Custom golden engraving. Two glasses with our names. The glasses hug each other. It was my last attempt to make her change her mind, sometimes last fall. She was reticent of the gift. Since then is the moment when my heart froze. Still is. Now she has the idea of drinking it as some sort of celebration of us. It's a great idea! I like it - totally forgot about it. But I also remember the hopes I hadn't engraved on it. She wants it in november. Hmm... November. 10 years I guess. That will conclude it. A decade of ups and downs, plans and dreams, intimacy and sharing, tenderness and passion, stress and arguments, discoveries and surprises, loughs and scares, tears and pain, support and compassion... meetings and splits, thoughts and feelings... it was all there wasn't it. In almost a decade. But I guess it wasn't enough.

It hurts to play the movies of a decade. It still does. It will probably always will. A decade I can not erase nor can I just forget. Tonight I cry for one last time. The future is here and the present is too fast. The past however... it always remains here.

It is the beggining of the end.
Good by Ela.

Good morning

Sound: I'm awake. I don't want to, it's Saturday. But I work today, Late shift. I must not be late. I open smoothly one eye, not too much. It's light, but not too much. Must be pretty early.

Sound: it's the computer. I left it running. I went to sleep watching a movie. I don't remember the name, I've seen only 5 minutes. I must not be late, what's the time? It's 8am something. Bleah, too early, I can go back to sleep.

Dreaming. Some sport gym. Has a big room for gymnastic. The trainer is my old ninjitsu trainer. I wonder if he still cares about the 3 months I didn't pay. Doesn't matter now, it's a dream and that was 10 years ago... he seems preoccupied with the class. We are many people, perhaps 30, men and women alike.

Time to go to showers. I meet Lya. I like her. We speak. No clue what about. She always speaks stuff. Stupid problems of her. I always listen. I like her.

I meet some guy. Never seen him before. We speak. He's a nice guy. We both enjoy the conversation. We become buddies. Lya also sees him. She recognize him. He's the king of England. Why is he in my dream talking to me? Never mind. He is not dressed like a king, he seems normal. Lya now speaks with the king. She's saying that she always wanted to be with a king. I'm going for that shower. No point listening to their conversation. I like her.

I'm going for that shower. I meet my future ex wife, Ela. We say hi. Change a few words. We are good friends. We are both feeling awkward. We are like that, ever since we split up, last year. We feal like talking, but there's nothing to talk about. There is some guy with her. I don't know him. He doesn't seem like an acquaintance. There must be something to it. I don't like it. They both seem to act peculiar. Pisses me off. Lya is talking even deeply with the king. He seems amused. Pisses me off even more. I'm going for the shower.

Finally finished. Don't remember taking it but surely I just did. Ela just left with the guy. I see them going. No sign of Lya. Pisses me off.

I get dressed and stuff, going to the gym. It's a big bar there. Open space bar. The hole gym is some sort of bar. Before entering the bar there is a corridor. Nice lights, slow music, and some places for 2 people. They have some sort of movable cover. The ninjitsu trainer is speaking to a couple in one of the things. He speaks loud. Walking past him. He was looking at me while talking to the couple. He still remembers about the money. I can see it in his eyes. I was in high school back then. I'm not giving him the money now.

On the left I see Ela. She's with the guy. In one of the spots for couples. Pisses me off. He has his hand on her leg. It pisses me off. It's way above the knee. Pisses me off. They speak very detached, smiling, with the hand above the knee. She's not like that unless she really means it. God damn it, it really pisses me off. Ela looks at me while I pass by but keeps on smiling and talking with the guy. I keep my cool and pass them.

On the right I see Lya with the king. She's still talking. The king has a forced smile. He's only looking at her breasts. I can resist that. I only do it when she's not looking at me. When she is looking at me, my eyes are fixed on hers. And I listen! But the king is not. The king sees me. He stops smiling. Onl for a second. He smiles again and looks in Lya's eyes and listening. He must know that there is something between me and Lya. He didn't stop smiling when seeing me for no reason. Or perhaps I look too pissed. And I am. I can still see that guy's hand with the back of my head. And she's still smiling, I can feel it! I pass Lya and the king aswell. I'm going for a drink at the bar. Hopefully a strong one. I like her, but she pisses me off also. Damn, I haven't been so pissed in years. Not since 10-th grade when 5 guys were always bulling me around. They were the reason why I went to ninjitsu for 3 months. But I'm still not paying. Even if the sensei is still in my dream.

I take my drink. It's some sort of cocktail. I hope it's a margarita. Never had one. I usually drink whiskey. But I'm not awake now. A margarita is just fine. I hope it is brown in reality. This margarita is certainly brown. And the gym-bar-space is yellow. Except for the walls. They are white. But white is normal for a dream. I turn around. I can see both pairs in the corridor thing on their private couple seats. Damn this pisses me off. Lucky for me I had 3 months of ninjitsu training. I know how to stabilize my heart beat and keep my cool. And that's a good thing, because the guy wraps the couple seats with the thing and I can't see what they are doing. They want to have sex. She never had sex with me if people knew we can do it. It pisses me off. At least I can watch what Lya is doing with the king. I take an other zip from the glass. I hope is margarita. Though I could use a whiskey. A full bottle would suit me well.

Lya is looking at Ela's place. She must be hearing something. Probably sex noise. The king is also looking in that direction. Now they are laughing about it. I didn't hear anything. It pisses me off. Must have been the guy having orgasm. Heh... I can do better then him. He was too quick. Lya and the king look again there, round 2 must have started. They look at each other and they also cover their place. God damn it, they will also have sex. God damn it! both my future ex wife and my future girlfriend have sex on the same place, at the same time, in my dream, in my head, on my bed, in my room, in my half of the rent house... and I'm left on the outside!!! Without getting laid for more then an year and a half... That really has to piss anyone off, even if they are dreaming...

I need to get out of here. Need to do something else. I'm not paying the margarita but I leave a tip. I get out. Going randomly on the streets, thinking about the "nothing box", I arrive at the river. Must be Vtava. I like walking near the river, the alley is nice. There are benches along the way. Romantically placed under whipping willow trees. Perfect for a couple or for brainwashing. As I walk I see the king on a bench. I jump near him. He sees me, get's his mobile out and he says he's calling the police. Why? I ask. He doesn't want me doing anymore pimping. So he was thinking I'm a pimp. I introduced Lya to him, he saw me talking with Ela and that guy as well. The poor bastard was right to think of it. In the end... both of them were having sex in that strange corridor-private-bar thing and I was there watching things closely. I can't be mad at him for thinking it. I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He's still threatens me with calling the private king police force if I want to blackmail him or something. I better walk away. I don't want to mess around with the king's police. Especially since I'm in England and I don't know anybody around the Vtava river which is in Prague, just 30 minutes away walk from the gym-bar thing in Romania where the ninjitsu teacher is holding the class Lya and Ela are taking from Brno...

em...

Those distances don't add up. I better wake up before it gets too awkward and piss me off even more.

Open both eyes. Wide. The light is still dim. Not that early anymore but still 40 minutes before the phone's first alarm. It's okay. There are 4 alarms at 30 minutes each. It looks I won't be late for the Late shift today.

Ela really pissed me off. We are not divorced yet. She doesn't have the right to feel that good. At least I still have a chance with Lya...

I see myself in the mirror. I look pissed. I better smile, Elu toled me to smile in the morning. I smile. I better see a dentist soon. But Elu was right, I like smiling.

Good morning, next thing coffee :D