The beginning of the end

The time has come. Monday on the May. It is the beginning of the end. The sun is annoying. He doesn't care. It shines bright. Too bright. My sleeping eyes are revolted. It pisses me off. At least I have my sun-glasses. I look cool with them!

I'm doing the zombie walk. Slow and steady, walking not to fall. All the way there. Start my early shift. Damn alarm clock. It has one job and one alone - and it fails me miserably. Damn stupid clock! It pisses me off. I think he does it on purpose.

I needed coffee before work. Look at me, crawling like a zombie on deserted streets. At least I understand now. I can be compassionate of them. Stupid zombies. This is why I would survive a zombie apocalypse. I know them, I study them, I understand them, I think like them... Hmm... This truly doesn't sound right. Not even to me. Pisses me off.

Forest Gump. Stupid is who stupid does. I'm smart. I'll not do the zombie walk all my life. This thought alone cheers me up. Okay. I'm cheered now. I can do this. "I'm not pissed, I'm glad that it is morning and I go to work happy!" Bleah... who am I kidding. I'm not some retarded sophist. It pisses me off. I can't wait 'till the end of the day.

Pick up the passe. Not too far now, half way there. Hey, I feel better already. Elu was right - all I have to do is smile. Smile in the morning. Hmm... smile. I remember the cow. The cow was smiling. Big sexy cowish smile: "Need sex? Just smile!" You couldn't not smile back at the cow. It was too funny... and immediately awkward. I was smiling back at the cow. Yep! It is a trick... No sex of course!

Sex. Ah... that's something else. The thought alone... The touching and the passion and the effort and the love and the passion and the feeling and the passion and the passion... It lasted for hours... sweet and passionately sex. And it felt so good. even afterward. I can still grin that stupid smile even now. Sex. Such a long... It pisses me off. That was two years ago. I didn't had any since then. Except for september. Same year. We had an other attempt. Complete failure. I sucked! I was worthless. Perhaps the worse she ever had. It pisses me off.

Finally at work. Coffee! Shit... no coins! No coffee! Two hours later - finally got coins. Coffee! For real this time. I'm already cheered. I already started writing an e-mail to a guy. I don't know him. We just have the same kind of passion. I finished the e-mail at 13.30 - almost time to go home. The mail must have 4-5 full word pages. The guy will think I'm a freak - he'll never write me back. A well - at least I did some good in the world.

Ela contacts me. Asks me stuff. I reply politely. I'm honest and casual. She seems so as well. She pissed me off recently. Several occasions. She's not aware about it. I don't give a damn anymore... She want's us to meet. Hmm. Something is not right. I pretend to be dumb. She doesn't know I can pretend it. I think she thinks that this is how I am. No reason to go into that. Let's leave it there! I ask her to go to squash. She refuses. She pretends to be too tired for squash. But she still wants us to meet in the evening. Mhehe, I got you know birdy! I can also play the evil master plan get what I want to know without asking game thing that you know to do. I ask her to join me for a cigarette. She says no, just returned from lunch. I guess I'm not important enough. She's not even saying hello to me unless she has something to talk about. Two months without calling or IM me without me doing it first. Now she wants us to meet. Oh Ela... she's finally going to ask me. I wanted to be her initiative. I have still some residue of pride. It was her initiative from the beginning, she'll have to take it the ended.

It is the beginning of the end!
I think of that over a cigarette in the parking lot. Some guys distract me. I stop thinking about it.

Home. I'm hungry as hell. Eat up. I'll meet with Ela at 8pm. She wants to see me. I know the reason, but I want to see her also. I still miss her. Even though she pisses me off. She's too indifferent. It hurts. It really does. I know that now.

I still have time to sleep. I'm tired. Dead meet. I couldn't rest enough this days. I have enough time to shave also. One week of thick hair on my face. I can't scare her like that. At least not again. And not now.

Set up the clock. Go to sleep. No dream though. Pisses me off. I like dreams. I'm feeling rested afterward. Clock rings. It's Ela: "Hi, are you still comming?" Shit! It's past 8. "Sure - the clock didn't ring, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Damn stupid shit piece of crappy clock! You're lucky you're a gift from my father!

Pull some cloths on me. Clean ones. I look like shit. Sleepy, messed hair, not shaved. Well, I guess I have to scare her anyway. She'll love it :)

Start walking. Half way there. I see a bunch of roses in a garden. I stole one. I haven't done that for some time. Darn it's full of spins. I clean the tail with my fingers. Hurts like hell... darn pointy spins! At least she'll appreciate it. She wouldn't appreciate the spines, that's for sure. I'm here. I wait for her in front of her block. She's late. Again! She's always late... must be a woman thing.

We take off and get to some place. It's near by. I came here sometimes for lunch. It's nice and cozy. We talk. It feels good. She has whine, white - it means she has something serious to talk. I already know that. I have a grog. It surprises her. She doesn't know me anymore. Talk some more. Still good.

I take a moment. I look at her. She still talks. I don't listen. I just look. She's tired. She was saying the truth, not in shape for squash. Her eyes are inexpressive. No more light in them. At least not for me. A faint spark of contempt perhaps. She's also feeling good being here, speaking with me. Too faint though. A fade makeup on the eyes. Good choice. I like it natural better, but this is discreet enough.

Her hair looks good, nicely reddish-blond color. Just the way she likes it. It was good paint job. Not orange though. I like orange. Would suit her better.

Her chicks seem tired as well. Perhaps from the new wrinkles at the eyes. The mouth looks the same. The same as I last kissed it. Same nice smile. I always loved her smile. Her lough too: honest, cheerful and sexy. I was making her laugh just to see it. But those were different times. Now we're just talking.

Her hands are almost the same. A bit too wrinkled for her age. She worked hard as an adolescent. She still does.

Her voice is warm. She's secure, breezy and untrammeled. All of it feels good. It brings up a vortex of memories with every word. We speak about getting scared and the memories flash in my eyes in the places we've been and got scared, when we were watching a movie, when she screamed in the kitchen of some apartment and some others. We speak about vacations. She mentions Greece. Our honey moon starts playing in the back of my head. The bus, the arrival, the room, the beech, the songs, the cloths, the sex, the hikes, the ruins, the cities, the dives, the starfish, the ATV, the boat, the giant jellies, the water, the kisses, the dreams, the hopes and the love. They all race me at that table as never before in my life. It is still a fresh feeling. Now I can allow myself a few tears. I didn't at the table.

She has two topics, a serious one and a pleasant one. I know which is the serious but no clue about the last. She's better to get it out of her chest. I choose the serious one first. She was remembered that we're still married. It's time to end it. I knew that. I was waiting for her.

We can do it here, we don't need to do it in our own country. That's better. Faster. Less stress. We'll do it soon. She'll start the request.

The pleasant topic: a bought her last year a bottle of champagne. Custom golden engraving. Two glasses with our names. The glasses hug each other. It was my last attempt to make her change her mind, sometimes last fall. She was reticent of the gift. Since then is the moment when my heart froze. Still is. Now she has the idea of drinking it as some sort of celebration of us. It's a great idea! I like it - totally forgot about it. But I also remember the hopes I hadn't engraved on it. She wants it in november. Hmm... November. 10 years I guess. That will conclude it. A decade of ups and downs, plans and dreams, intimacy and sharing, tenderness and passion, stress and arguments, discoveries and surprises, loughs and scares, tears and pain, support and compassion... meetings and splits, thoughts and feelings... it was all there wasn't it. In almost a decade. But I guess it wasn't enough.

It hurts to play the movies of a decade. It still does. It will probably always will. A decade I can not erase nor can I just forget. Tonight I cry for one last time. The future is here and the present is too fast. The past however... it always remains here.

It is the beggining of the end.
Good by Ela.