The glazing lights of the stars are trowing their kindness over the cold Rno night. I'm walking silently counting steps. A few thoughts are flying by but I concentrate harder, 78, 79...
I stop. No matter how much I want to deny it, I want to go back. I hesitate. I look forward - only the street and the lights. I look back. I can not remember what I was seeing but I remember why I left. Too many things happen. There is no going back and I'm trying to convince myself of the truth: it is too late now, you better keep on walking.
And so I did... I made one more step. A step without any confidence, it felt like a step of cowards. I'm not a coward - I can still go back. I can do something about it.
- What can you do? said the other voice. What can I do. Indeed a puzzle. I was certainly not going forward nor was I going back. A moment of reflection was needed. Am I drunk? testing my reactions: nope, I'm perfectly sober. I just need to seat this one out and decide. I roll a cigarette and grab a bench to sit on. It seemed like the bench was waiting for me all along.
It's a tough decision. She seemed happy. Dancing was certainly fun. No words beside the casual chat-chat. The eyes spoke more words on different occasions then our mouths could. And then that question. She was nervous when she asked me. All the lights went dim, all the voices stopped in a split of a second just as the music did also. I could only feel her words and my hands. I could only hear the blood flowing in my veins. Everything else was frozen in time.
It took me perhaps a second or two to snap out of it. Or perhaps it took longer. I can't remember. All that matter is that I managed to stop my hands from shaking and I gathered all the energy left inside me and said: "no". I could have said yes but it seemed more appropriate. It didn't matter what what I was thinking, it didn't matter what she was thinking... all it matter is that she asked. I felt the knife twisting again. My words were also twisting and twisting. "No, it doesn't bother me at all". Ough the pain of words.
I roll an other cigarette and light it. I can't lie myself. I was also curious if I can do it. I wanted to know if I can stand the pressure. I went dancing to cool it off. He came in a while. A bit disappointing. She can do better then him. Allot better. But then again she said to me why she likes him. I was pretending to have some conversation. I was actually only putting questions for the guys around me to have something to listen and for me to pretend I listen.
I did look closely every time I was rolling a cigarette or when taking a zip of beer. He was talking with the girl next to her. He stood 3 minutes with his hand over her leg and leaning over blocking her view and position. For 3 minutes she stood there quietly like that. Not doing anything. After 3 minutes he leaves and I can finally see her face. She looks so tensed. So in the end... everything was only a pride thing. He looked like he needed to make his presence felt in the crowed and she gave in into it.
I tried to decide what do then. It would have been pointless to try to simulate that show. I'm not a puppy for quite some time. I now prefer biting over yawning and my bite is confident. But I don't want to do that either. I owe it to my friend which invited me. I can't pretend that everything is all right, I can't pretend that nothing bothers me. Ten minutes of acting was enough for me to find out what I wanted to know.
The stars are glaring much clear now. It's a bit cold and I start to feel it. I zip my jacket tighter and roll one more cigarette. I used the perfect most acceptable alibi, in 3 hours I need to go to work.
And that's that. I left and now here I am. Standing on the empty streets, with my empty heart and my empty staring at the stars. Those glazing stars. Sometimes I'd wish they'd speak to me.
I better go home, everything is cold in here. That bottle of wine might keep me warm for the next two hours.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Focus
Yellow hello and a green grin for my true blue friendly friends.
Have you noticed how the water flows in a river, bashing into stones, heaping over itself in streams of flows but always moving down further and further? It is just as a thought - a thought is flowing down withing the paths of thoughts and just as a stream it bashes into heavy stones of nexuses and then splits around in other thoughts and endlessly flowing through your mind.
I like to imagine thoughts as a stream of water... sometimes the beams of sun rays make little sparkles in the water just as similar as a stream of thoughts may sometimes shine an idea. Thousands of ideas shine under the sun but for my eyes own delight alone. Sometimes a stream may go far enough to meet other alike and together they end up forming a river - and rivers, as big as may get, they always end up dumping themselves in the deep colorless seas... and there... the sun shines allot, and the sea becomes blue and the see connects itself with an ocean... more water, more ideas...
It's been this way the course of nature. Endless eras went by... the ideas still shine.
Nothing lasts longer then an idea... not even a voice. A voice can only have an echo... and echoes bounce around and if there is someone to listen then an other echo bounces back. And if you get yourself more voices rising up then you have yourself a choir. Funny thing about a choir... if the voices are not synchronized then you don't hear a bohemian tune - you can only hear noise.
The voices need conductor... without one, there is only noise around. Sometimes there is someone to rise to the occasion and to become such a conductor, a leader, a man that echoes through history as the banner of a concept.
And here lays the essence of the biggest misguided belief. We must identify our voices with somebody to carry it out for us, someone to guide us, to conduct... someone to make us sing. We like to sing and we love doing it as long somebody tells us how. This is the core principle of democracy. While "kratos" stands for power, demos stands for popular (intended as people). Funny word "popular" is. Popularity finds its roots and meaning as the preference of the people. But in the end, that's what democracy is at its core - to follow the directions of those which have a wider popularity.
How's that working?
It is simple... I need to sing along with the rest of the bunch and we do so by selecting someone fit for the position of the conductor - and naturally the fairest way is by voting; and us, the singers put up a vote - we vote for the one which each of us singers assumes can conduct us best. Evidently, the majority of votes will select the most popular conductor, the human which can lead us.
Theory is funny - it always sounds good but it always happens something that makes it hard to put it in practice. Communism sounds good as well... it is actually sounds better then democracy but we all know from experience what a catastrophic failure that was. Something in my gut tells, actually is desperately shouting from its cage from where ever I managed to lock it up, that the better something sounds, the worse the noise gets... unless there is someone to lead - but leading such a complex and magnificent choir no longer stands to be called democracy... it goes even beyond elitism (that structure where the masses are controlled by a few elites)...
My stream of thoughts is bouncing of rocks for months... it is still flowing... and withing this flow finally I find something that sounds much better. It is called meritocracy. It actually sounds so nice to reward people by their merit in contribution to society that it makes me sick... it is such an utopian concept that it would turn out in practice as just a big society failure.
Why do people always ignore the biggest individual factor that manifests itself into any kind of society? Why do people forget that people are selfish? All our actions - absolutely everything we do is born out of selfishness. Everything bad in our nature comes finds its roots in the evil of the selfishness. Greed, envy, maliciousness, waste, violence... everything is pure selfishness.
Are you an altruist? You do good to others in spite of your own? You sacrifice yourself for the good of others? Well... you poor thing, that is also a selfish thing. You don't do it out of altruism, you only do it to fulfill your own hunger for respect, honor, or any other miss belief of yours that you're hiding even to yourself...
There were so few people with a big impact in my life, and one of them is Lan - he once asked me why do you do it? Why do you help people which might never help you back? What is the reason behind your actions? What motivates you to do it? I was trying to convince him of my beliefs but he insisted so hard that he made me look into myself so deep into the dark, I had to focus so intensely that finally I twisted the key of the Pandora box's lock and let it out free - the answer I was hiding all along - I love helping others, I receive joy from other people's joy - it is only my own kind of exertion of power over the world - it is my grasp of control over the medium I'm... the more good I do, the more good things might happen back to me as a reward... the sorrow of the truth, in front of me, only proved me what I feared all along... humans were created selfish and there's no escape.
If there is such a primordial sin then selfishness is the one and no matter how much we might strive to escape it, there is no escaping it. If there is such an encoded master rule printed in our DNA for our psychic's algorithms - then selfishness it is and no mistake about it, perhaps the most important and never able to overrule it... Perhaps one day... when we stop being humans we will manage to erase it. Until then... you are all just humans and your selfish nature is your limitation and your executioner as well.
Focus on it!
Have you noticed how the water flows in a river, bashing into stones, heaping over itself in streams of flows but always moving down further and further? It is just as a thought - a thought is flowing down withing the paths of thoughts and just as a stream it bashes into heavy stones of nexuses and then splits around in other thoughts and endlessly flowing through your mind.
I like to imagine thoughts as a stream of water... sometimes the beams of sun rays make little sparkles in the water just as similar as a stream of thoughts may sometimes shine an idea. Thousands of ideas shine under the sun but for my eyes own delight alone. Sometimes a stream may go far enough to meet other alike and together they end up forming a river - and rivers, as big as may get, they always end up dumping themselves in the deep colorless seas... and there... the sun shines allot, and the sea becomes blue and the see connects itself with an ocean... more water, more ideas...
It's been this way the course of nature. Endless eras went by... the ideas still shine.
Nothing lasts longer then an idea... not even a voice. A voice can only have an echo... and echoes bounce around and if there is someone to listen then an other echo bounces back. And if you get yourself more voices rising up then you have yourself a choir. Funny thing about a choir... if the voices are not synchronized then you don't hear a bohemian tune - you can only hear noise.
The voices need conductor... without one, there is only noise around. Sometimes there is someone to rise to the occasion and to become such a conductor, a leader, a man that echoes through history as the banner of a concept.
And here lays the essence of the biggest misguided belief. We must identify our voices with somebody to carry it out for us, someone to guide us, to conduct... someone to make us sing. We like to sing and we love doing it as long somebody tells us how. This is the core principle of democracy. While "kratos" stands for power, demos stands for popular (intended as people). Funny word "popular" is. Popularity finds its roots and meaning as the preference of the people. But in the end, that's what democracy is at its core - to follow the directions of those which have a wider popularity.
How's that working?
It is simple... I need to sing along with the rest of the bunch and we do so by selecting someone fit for the position of the conductor - and naturally the fairest way is by voting; and us, the singers put up a vote - we vote for the one which each of us singers assumes can conduct us best. Evidently, the majority of votes will select the most popular conductor, the human which can lead us.
Theory is funny - it always sounds good but it always happens something that makes it hard to put it in practice. Communism sounds good as well... it is actually sounds better then democracy but we all know from experience what a catastrophic failure that was. Something in my gut tells, actually is desperately shouting from its cage from where ever I managed to lock it up, that the better something sounds, the worse the noise gets... unless there is someone to lead - but leading such a complex and magnificent choir no longer stands to be called democracy... it goes even beyond elitism (that structure where the masses are controlled by a few elites)...
My stream of thoughts is bouncing of rocks for months... it is still flowing... and withing this flow finally I find something that sounds much better. It is called meritocracy. It actually sounds so nice to reward people by their merit in contribution to society that it makes me sick... it is such an utopian concept that it would turn out in practice as just a big society failure.
Why do people always ignore the biggest individual factor that manifests itself into any kind of society? Why do people forget that people are selfish? All our actions - absolutely everything we do is born out of selfishness. Everything bad in our nature comes finds its roots in the evil of the selfishness. Greed, envy, maliciousness, waste, violence... everything is pure selfishness.
Are you an altruist? You do good to others in spite of your own? You sacrifice yourself for the good of others? Well... you poor thing, that is also a selfish thing. You don't do it out of altruism, you only do it to fulfill your own hunger for respect, honor, or any other miss belief of yours that you're hiding even to yourself...
There were so few people with a big impact in my life, and one of them is Lan - he once asked me why do you do it? Why do you help people which might never help you back? What is the reason behind your actions? What motivates you to do it? I was trying to convince him of my beliefs but he insisted so hard that he made me look into myself so deep into the dark, I had to focus so intensely that finally I twisted the key of the Pandora box's lock and let it out free - the answer I was hiding all along - I love helping others, I receive joy from other people's joy - it is only my own kind of exertion of power over the world - it is my grasp of control over the medium I'm... the more good I do, the more good things might happen back to me as a reward... the sorrow of the truth, in front of me, only proved me what I feared all along... humans were created selfish and there's no escape.
If there is such a primordial sin then selfishness is the one and no matter how much we might strive to escape it, there is no escaping it. If there is such an encoded master rule printed in our DNA for our psychic's algorithms - then selfishness it is and no mistake about it, perhaps the most important and never able to overrule it... Perhaps one day... when we stop being humans we will manage to erase it. Until then... you are all just humans and your selfish nature is your limitation and your executioner as well.
Focus on it!
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