The glazing lights

The glazing lights of the stars are trowing their kindness over the cold Rno night. I'm walking silently counting steps. A few thoughts are flying by but I concentrate harder, 78, 79...
I stop. No matter how much I want to deny it, I want to go back. I hesitate. I look forward - only the street and the lights. I look back. I can not remember what I was seeing but I remember why I left. Too many things happen. There is no going back and I'm trying to convince myself of the truth: it is too late now, you better keep on walking.
And so I did... I made one more step. A step without any confidence, it felt like a step of cowards. I'm not a coward - I can still go back. I can do something about it.
- What can you do? said the other voice. What can I do. Indeed a puzzle. I was certainly not going forward nor was I going back. A moment of reflection was needed. Am I drunk? testing my reactions: nope, I'm perfectly sober. I just need to seat this one out and decide. I roll a cigarette and grab a bench to sit on. It seemed like the bench was waiting for me all along.
It's a tough decision. She seemed happy. Dancing was certainly fun. No words beside the casual chat-chat. The eyes spoke more words on different occasions then our mouths could. And then that question. She was nervous when she asked me. All the lights went dim, all the voices stopped in a split of a second just as the music did also. I could only feel her words and my hands. I could only hear the blood flowing in my veins. Everything else was frozen in time.
It took me perhaps a second or two to snap out of it. Or perhaps it took longer. I can't remember. All that matter is that I managed to stop my hands from shaking and I gathered all the energy left inside me and said: "no". I could have said yes but it seemed more appropriate. It didn't matter what what I was thinking, it didn't matter what she was thinking... all it matter is that she asked. I felt the knife twisting again. My words were also twisting and twisting. "No, it doesn't bother me at all". Ough the pain of words.

I roll an other cigarette and light it. I can't lie myself. I was also curious if I can do it. I wanted to know if I can stand the pressure. I went dancing to cool it off. He came in a while. A bit disappointing. She can do better then him. Allot better. But then again she said to me why she likes him. I was pretending to have some conversation. I was actually only putting questions for the guys around me to have something to listen and for me to pretend I listen.

I did look closely every time I was rolling a cigarette or when taking a zip of beer. He was talking with the girl next to her. He stood 3 minutes with his hand over her leg and leaning over blocking her view and position. For 3 minutes she stood there quietly like that. Not doing anything. After 3 minutes he leaves and I can finally see her face. She looks so tensed. So in the end... everything was only a pride thing. He looked like he needed to make his presence felt in the crowed and she gave in into it.

I tried to decide what do then. It would have been pointless to try to simulate that show. I'm not a puppy for quite some time. I now prefer biting over yawning and my bite is confident. But I don't want to do that either. I owe it to my friend which invited me. I can't pretend that everything is all right, I can't pretend that nothing bothers me. Ten minutes of acting was enough for me to find out what I wanted to know.

The stars are glaring much clear now. It's a bit cold and I start to feel it. I zip my jacket tighter and roll one more cigarette. I used the perfect most acceptable alibi, in 3 hours I need to go to work.

And that's that. I left and now here I am. Standing on the empty streets, with my empty heart and my empty staring at the stars. Those glazing stars. Sometimes I'd wish they'd speak to me.

I better go home, everything is cold in here. That bottle of wine might keep me warm for the next two hours.