Sunday, 13.30pm. I open the window and light up a cigarette. The sun floods my face with warmth. It is quite a rare sight in an autumn in the middle of Europe. It feels good. The smooth jazz playing in the background only completes the scenery.
For some strange reason, during my eye glazing over the mass of brown leaves and cold alleys around the block, a box of memory opens up in my consciousness. It is a kid - a kid I saw 15, maybe 20 years ago. I was also a kid and I was riding a bike. I remember I loved that bike. This kid, perhaps 1-2 years older then me, wanted to ride my bike. I didn't know him actually. We were just a bunch of kids gather around... we didn't need to know each other in order to interact, speak or play. So I was reticent upon giving him my bike. Once on it he could have run away with it and steal it. It is funny how since such a young fragile age we have such a mature sense of property.
So I didn't want to give him my bike to ride, not even for 5 minutes how he was begging me. That's when something interesting happened. Interesting because it marked me for life and modeled into a principle for who I am today. He stopped asking me, he just shed a tear (only one) - it was an honest tear shed out of disappointment and said the following (mostly to himself): "it is not fair, it is not fair that I don't have a bike and it is not fair that you don't let me ride yours for 5 minutes". This were exactly his words.
I remember that I didn't reacted then. I was staying in front of him having one hand clutched to my bike, looking at his resigned expression. I also remember processing the fairness information, trying to figure out if he is right and I am wrong, if what I should be doing was to give him the bike or not.
He was one happy kid riding my bike for 10 minutes and I was one scare kid that he will never return it to me. But he did; and he was happy and I stopped worrying.
I suppose the nice feeling I had back then for doing a small good thing to some stranger was similar to how good the sun made me feel this morning. Perhaps this is why I remembered that again.
Why is it so hard to be good to other people? Why can't we just trust other people for doing the right thing and most importantly... why can't we in return be good as well when other are so?
I also wonder, from this past's perspective, why people have the feeling I'm acidic when talking to (new) people... not mean, not rude... just acidic. I suppose I know that answer...
The truth is that I'm not perfect either and I know that life isn't fair... but I'm working on it. So should you!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The essence of what I see
I see cars, sidewalks, trams, stores, flats, steps, asphalt, cloths, shoes, hats, gloves, steps, trees, roads, houses, flowers, banks, insurances, fast foods, tobacco, cafeterias, bars, casinos, bicycles, alcohol, steps, thoughts, worries, goals, wishes, sorrows, horizon, smiles, lips, hands, steps. I also see love.
I see all this things and I'm trying to catch the essence. The essence of what I see.
People pass through life wondering more or less what is their purpose. They try to find their path. Usually they model their decisions based on what the society presents them. They setup their goals and they go for them. Other might escape the reality and allow themselves to dream, to hope and to plan. Everyone is unique. Everyone thinks differently. Everyone has some concepts of the world. Sometimes, quite rarely I believe, someone stops for a second and looks; just looks around. That someone then starts asking himself questions and sometimes they are the right ones.
One question in particular popped up recently into my life: why are people choosing monogamy? For somebody a bit familiar with animal rituals, habituation and life the question is quite serious. It is unnatural he might think. Monogamy is unnatural from the zoological development, but yet... 75% of the globe lives by the impression or persuades the idea of monogamy. We can easily split the notion into 2 categories: social monogamy and sexual monogamy. I will not go into the details of the monogamy occurrences in the animal "world" but I will mention that social monogamy appears not necessarily rare and that sexual monogamy is truly a rare feature for the critters of our planet.
Social monogamy refers to 2 individuals (usually 1 male and 1 female) living together, feeding together, joining forces and resources. Sexual monogamy implies the sexual acts happening only between 2 such individuals. Okay - we got this covered and cleared.
People (as in humans) seem atypical from this point with the other beings in our world. We tend to choose monogamy. Men still have the impulse (or instinct) of inseminating as many women as possible as women have the impulse to search the best genetic partner for the her offspring and also to find the best provider man. Those instinctual traits of our specie are natural and are the reminiscence and proof of our evolution. Evolution towards monogamy or if you don't like the term evolution we can at least agree on transmutation.
Monogamy is celebrated and encouraged by many cultures often being identified with a union. I should add that (if I understood correctly) 50% of the cultures allow polygamy and in those cultures where polygamy is allowed the rate of monogamy is around 75-85%. Quite interesting outcome.
So how come people chose and are still choosing monogamy? I see, among many factors, two main reasons. One is the fact that our children development is a very long process comparing to other species. The other one is a strange process called love.
I call love a process because it is a chemically defined process of our bodies and I call it strange because this is how it is... love is strange. Nobody managed to comprehend its full manifestation. It is perhaps the most polemically debated allegory of all times. First off - love is of many kinds. Secondly, nobody is able to explain it to the full extent because we still haven't deciphered everything about our psychic and we only can guess or hypothesize how we actually think (I'll cover some of my reflections on this later on). Make no mistake, love and thinking are closely connected. Love can also be a huge polemic from the religious and spiritual point of view. But I will totally ignore this aspect since I consider religion and spirituality two very volatile and questionable aspects.
So what is love?
Biologically it is complex process. It is the mechanism in charge with perpetuation. We have many similar mechanisms in our body and this one can be split into 3 parts as they normally occur and perpetuate: lust, attraction, affection. On each stage, once triggered, different kind of peptides (some sort of short proteins) are manufactured and released in our body (with certain targets and purposes). If you want to read more about the specifics of this chemical processes you can appeal to wikipedia, my point being generic and within the vision of monogamy. The triggers can be the pheromones, the hormones and all many other external factors (it's not all chemicals, there are also ideals, connectivity etc.).
How is all this translated into what we see?
Lust (1-3 months?):
Boy and girl meet, they start connecting, they start a relationship (powerful sexual attraction in this stage).
Attraction (3-12 months?):
Relationship develops, they discover each other, they make plans, dream, hope, get used to each other, discover themselves as individuals and much more.
Affection:
This is your long lasting love to ever happiness and to better or worse thing. Children usually appear in this stage unless "some mistake".
Affection is what stimulates monogamy in our spicy... basically you have to blame love for your tendency towards monogamy and this brings us to "cheating". It is natural in my opinion for people in a relationship to be attracted "into the vortex of lies". Affection for one partner and lust or attraction for an other can coexist "happily" together and it all ends in choosing first affection or developing the second into affection. Good, bad, natural or unnatural... it is for you to decide what makes you happier. I for one consider fidelity (sexual monogamy) first of all as an ideal of respect to myself as an individual, and secondly as principle of trust and evolution.
So here we have the main component of monogamy -> love. Love's opposite is not hate in my belief... hate is also an emotion. I believe indifference is the one. If you want to know how much you love somebody you can figure out a list of things you actually love and which are indifferent. Put it in balance with things you dislike and that's how you find your answer.
The society I see around me it is built on love. It is built on monogamy as well (more or less). Love and passion is in everything that surrounds us. This is the essence of our human kind, our spicy. Perhaps... perhaps we should try to put more emphasis on it. Think about it!
In stead of an epilogue I choose to tell you an additional information: when you're "in love" with somebody (lust stage in particular and to smaller extent the attraction stage) some of the peptides released are affecting your neuronal patterns of your brain - parts of it are shutdown and others opened. It resembles (allot) with the patterns of a mentally disturbed person. This is the part where you are acting / doing most of the irrational things. I suggest you wait a while before thinking BIG things (but not too much).
I see all this things and I'm trying to catch the essence. The essence of what I see.
People pass through life wondering more or less what is their purpose. They try to find their path. Usually they model their decisions based on what the society presents them. They setup their goals and they go for them. Other might escape the reality and allow themselves to dream, to hope and to plan. Everyone is unique. Everyone thinks differently. Everyone has some concepts of the world. Sometimes, quite rarely I believe, someone stops for a second and looks; just looks around. That someone then starts asking himself questions and sometimes they are the right ones.
One question in particular popped up recently into my life: why are people choosing monogamy? For somebody a bit familiar with animal rituals, habituation and life the question is quite serious. It is unnatural he might think. Monogamy is unnatural from the zoological development, but yet... 75% of the globe lives by the impression or persuades the idea of monogamy. We can easily split the notion into 2 categories: social monogamy and sexual monogamy. I will not go into the details of the monogamy occurrences in the animal "world" but I will mention that social monogamy appears not necessarily rare and that sexual monogamy is truly a rare feature for the critters of our planet.
Social monogamy refers to 2 individuals (usually 1 male and 1 female) living together, feeding together, joining forces and resources. Sexual monogamy implies the sexual acts happening only between 2 such individuals. Okay - we got this covered and cleared.
People (as in humans) seem atypical from this point with the other beings in our world. We tend to choose monogamy. Men still have the impulse (or instinct) of inseminating as many women as possible as women have the impulse to search the best genetic partner for the her offspring and also to find the best provider man. Those instinctual traits of our specie are natural and are the reminiscence and proof of our evolution. Evolution towards monogamy or if you don't like the term evolution we can at least agree on transmutation.
Monogamy is celebrated and encouraged by many cultures often being identified with a union. I should add that (if I understood correctly) 50% of the cultures allow polygamy and in those cultures where polygamy is allowed the rate of monogamy is around 75-85%. Quite interesting outcome.
So how come people chose and are still choosing monogamy? I see, among many factors, two main reasons. One is the fact that our children development is a very long process comparing to other species. The other one is a strange process called love.
I call love a process because it is a chemically defined process of our bodies and I call it strange because this is how it is... love is strange. Nobody managed to comprehend its full manifestation. It is perhaps the most polemically debated allegory of all times. First off - love is of many kinds. Secondly, nobody is able to explain it to the full extent because we still haven't deciphered everything about our psychic and we only can guess or hypothesize how we actually think (I'll cover some of my reflections on this later on). Make no mistake, love and thinking are closely connected. Love can also be a huge polemic from the religious and spiritual point of view. But I will totally ignore this aspect since I consider religion and spirituality two very volatile and questionable aspects.
So what is love?
Biologically it is complex process. It is the mechanism in charge with perpetuation. We have many similar mechanisms in our body and this one can be split into 3 parts as they normally occur and perpetuate: lust, attraction, affection. On each stage, once triggered, different kind of peptides (some sort of short proteins) are manufactured and released in our body (with certain targets and purposes). If you want to read more about the specifics of this chemical processes you can appeal to wikipedia, my point being generic and within the vision of monogamy. The triggers can be the pheromones, the hormones and all many other external factors (it's not all chemicals, there are also ideals, connectivity etc.).
How is all this translated into what we see?
Lust (1-3 months?):
Boy and girl meet, they start connecting, they start a relationship (powerful sexual attraction in this stage).
Attraction (3-12 months?):
Relationship develops, they discover each other, they make plans, dream, hope, get used to each other, discover themselves as individuals and much more.
Affection:
This is your long lasting love to ever happiness and to better or worse thing. Children usually appear in this stage unless "some mistake".
Affection is what stimulates monogamy in our spicy... basically you have to blame love for your tendency towards monogamy and this brings us to "cheating". It is natural in my opinion for people in a relationship to be attracted "into the vortex of lies". Affection for one partner and lust or attraction for an other can coexist "happily" together and it all ends in choosing first affection or developing the second into affection. Good, bad, natural or unnatural... it is for you to decide what makes you happier. I for one consider fidelity (sexual monogamy) first of all as an ideal of respect to myself as an individual, and secondly as principle of trust and evolution.
So here we have the main component of monogamy -> love. Love's opposite is not hate in my belief... hate is also an emotion. I believe indifference is the one. If you want to know how much you love somebody you can figure out a list of things you actually love and which are indifferent. Put it in balance with things you dislike and that's how you find your answer.
The society I see around me it is built on love. It is built on monogamy as well (more or less). Love and passion is in everything that surrounds us. This is the essence of our human kind, our spicy. Perhaps... perhaps we should try to put more emphasis on it. Think about it!
In stead of an epilogue I choose to tell you an additional information: when you're "in love" with somebody (lust stage in particular and to smaller extent the attraction stage) some of the peptides released are affecting your neuronal patterns of your brain - parts of it are shutdown and others opened. It resembles (allot) with the patterns of a mentally disturbed person. This is the part where you are acting / doing most of the irrational things. I suggest you wait a while before thinking BIG things (but not too much).
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Autumn of hope (or melancholy of the past and feature)
Cold. Freezing cold. My finger cut gloves are exposing my fingers to the cold wheel of the mutilated car I have. Harg harg harg brvuum. Good. Still works. I can be on time to catch her. I'm going to my job. It's Sunday but I have late shift. It pays the bills, more or less. I hurry on the empty streets. Brown leaves take off mayhemically after I pass by. I must slow down, the brakes don't seem to act as good as I need them.
I arrive and I also catch her. But that's an other story. This story continues a few hours later. The headache is almost gone now, so is my bitter laziness. I call it melancholy. But I'm honest with you - it is actually laziness.
First cigarette - made a tea also. Hot black tea made of tea plant. Good stuff. It is also my substitute for the daily caffeine overdose. I've been sleeping the whole week since I do this. Drinking tea instead of coffee. My body was revolted by the sudden dictatorial decision over my body. It is like the government would forbid milk to the population. Hard stuff... But I resisted. And here I am now.
In the cold. Third floor on the terrace. With a self made cigarette and a cheap zippo. Chik chik chik puuuf aaaa. But still cold. Zip of tea. Good stuff. The cold is not that bad after all. On the left the hill is still almost green. Perhaps yellowish. But the rest is a mixture or brown and green. The conifers are the only green patches actually. It's like a sea of brown waves with green light sparkles and white-gray foam - the mist is dissipating now, only oases of white-gray mist remain. It is beautiful. Zip, zip, puff, puff. In front is the parking lot. Quite small, but with a string of green grass. Curious green I might say. The young trees almost have all the leafs down.
I start thinking about that tree. Looks so fragile. For a tree I mean - it's still 5-6 meters tall. It is 0 degrees. Celsius. That would be 32 Fahrenheit (just in case you need to know that). The tree dumps all its leafs in autumn. I still find it fascinating. Why do leaves fall in autumn? It is because of thirst they say. It is not the cold triggering the falling, it is the lack of water. And trees know that in the winter they can't give all the water needed to the leaves needed for perspiration. The conifers, however, have small leaves and protected by the wax. Kind of smart for them, but also very hard to adapt to warmer climates.
Anyway, enough with the science... it is still romantic to see all those leaves on the grass. Every autumn the trees bow down their beauty when their clock says bow.
The inner clock of plants intrigues me. Where is that clock... in the trunk? in the roots? Perhaps I should go over there, lean my ear on it and listen... If I do it really careful I might hear it.
Yoga. The relaxing playlist I made on youtube has a variety of songs. This one says something about yoga. Link after link, related to related, I start playing a strange "yoga" clip. The ol' batter hindu lady presented in the clip is speaking about yoga and why is it so cool what she's saying.
I listen a bit, if there is any kind of religion or belief of life closer to my atheist mind then it would be somewhere in that part of Asia... So I listen. She speaks about soul. I can't deny the existence of soul, so I still listen to what she has to say "everyone has a soul BUT ..." Here is where I stop. She made a conclusion based on poor arguments provided by her axioms which were meant to be disclosures of the truth in any religion. Once she put the emphasis on the "but" she tried to hide her weak argumentation with some other "..." knowledge. So I simply stopped watching. It is a shame... she had such a nice relaxing voice.
I browse forward in the relaxing clips. This one is nice. I lean back on the chair, and strut my feet on an other chair and enjoy the calm of the music. My mind flows into the subject of the soul for some more time. The song is over, and look around for an other one to jack in my playlist.
One comment catches my eye. I didn't save it but it was something like she was feeling relaxed... and life after death and the joy of reunion with the universe and so on and so forth when you die. My left eyebrow raises (I hate this word, always mistyping it) a bit. Foolish simpleton. How can you confuse so bluntly the soul with your consciousness? How can you believe that your soul is your mind?
I'm an atheist and I say it proud, but even I can not discard a notion perpetuated for the millennial time of humanity without having a strong based argument. I'm speaking about the soul - I can't say that I have one or not, where I'm staying it is like 50-50... but even so... I KNOW that NO RELIGION implies that my soul is my mind... it would be hilarious... to be one with the universe and "think" boy that supernova was cool, I wish my ex would be here with me to see it... End even if you say that the soul is the essence of the mind then okay... it is still the same thing... the essence will leave my body when I will die and will be one with the universe once more... but the essence will be just that... essence... that means no memories, no recollection of who I was, no individuality... The me I know will still be dead and six feet under!
I assume that perhaps only 2% of people believing in a god are actually sane enough to make the difference between the soul and the mind. If the soul exist then okay, when you die it may go to Manitu's plains, Heaven, be one with the universe or whatever... but you, you the individual, the mind, the consciousness, the life form, the body, the human, the ideas you have, the love, the feelings, the memories and everything you know it is you... well... that HAS to remain behind... (six feet under or incinerated). So... I will only say this once: YOU only live once!
And so is a tree (btw, I took a brief look at that one again. Puff, puff, zip, zip - same drill). And they also have a soul. Or at least they have something that connects the tree, the ugly grass, the filthy human, the rabid rabbit, the dumb dove, that dieing flower from the vase, the stray dog, the slick rat, the orgasmic pig, the funny cockroaches, the happy worms chewing somebody six feet under and all the rest of the colorful bunch of critters on this planet (hence that we might be disconnected "spiritually speaking" with aliens, not proven yet - more experiments are needed).
Countless experiments have proven the reactivity of plants to music, voice, feelings (don't underestimate the power of optimism and harmony influencing those around you) or physical acts. I remember about one, where it was proven that plants reacted to the vicinity of somebody harming them allot and not reacting to somebody else. Yes... plants have memory as well. Every life form's existence is precious. Every human, animal or plant has an individuality and it is unique.
I thus start postulating my utopia, I call it the Earth of the Gods - the world we should make for ourselves (the number is relative only to the fact that this is the first I mention, has nothing to do with the importance):
Postulation 1
Every life form is an individual of this world.
Every individual, regardless or the kind, kin, race, reign, legacy or form is precious.
There is a natural balance among life forms on this planet.
Destroying life with disregard of the individuality or the balance itself is an act of perpetuation and encouragement for genocide.
Genocides must be eradicated and discouraged.
Here lies the autumn of my hopes.
I arrive and I also catch her. But that's an other story. This story continues a few hours later. The headache is almost gone now, so is my bitter laziness. I call it melancholy. But I'm honest with you - it is actually laziness.
First cigarette - made a tea also. Hot black tea made of tea plant. Good stuff. It is also my substitute for the daily caffeine overdose. I've been sleeping the whole week since I do this. Drinking tea instead of coffee. My body was revolted by the sudden dictatorial decision over my body. It is like the government would forbid milk to the population. Hard stuff... But I resisted. And here I am now.
In the cold. Third floor on the terrace. With a self made cigarette and a cheap zippo. Chik chik chik puuuf aaaa. But still cold. Zip of tea. Good stuff. The cold is not that bad after all. On the left the hill is still almost green. Perhaps yellowish. But the rest is a mixture or brown and green. The conifers are the only green patches actually. It's like a sea of brown waves with green light sparkles and white-gray foam - the mist is dissipating now, only oases of white-gray mist remain. It is beautiful. Zip, zip, puff, puff. In front is the parking lot. Quite small, but with a string of green grass. Curious green I might say. The young trees almost have all the leafs down.
I start thinking about that tree. Looks so fragile. For a tree I mean - it's still 5-6 meters tall. It is 0 degrees. Celsius. That would be 32 Fahrenheit (just in case you need to know that). The tree dumps all its leafs in autumn. I still find it fascinating. Why do leaves fall in autumn? It is because of thirst they say. It is not the cold triggering the falling, it is the lack of water. And trees know that in the winter they can't give all the water needed to the leaves needed for perspiration. The conifers, however, have small leaves and protected by the wax. Kind of smart for them, but also very hard to adapt to warmer climates.
Anyway, enough with the science... it is still romantic to see all those leaves on the grass. Every autumn the trees bow down their beauty when their clock says bow.
The inner clock of plants intrigues me. Where is that clock... in the trunk? in the roots? Perhaps I should go over there, lean my ear on it and listen... If I do it really careful I might hear it.
Yoga. The relaxing playlist I made on youtube has a variety of songs. This one says something about yoga. Link after link, related to related, I start playing a strange "yoga" clip. The ol' batter hindu lady presented in the clip is speaking about yoga and why is it so cool what she's saying.
I listen a bit, if there is any kind of religion or belief of life closer to my atheist mind then it would be somewhere in that part of Asia... So I listen. She speaks about soul. I can't deny the existence of soul, so I still listen to what she has to say "everyone has a soul BUT ..." Here is where I stop. She made a conclusion based on poor arguments provided by her axioms which were meant to be disclosures of the truth in any religion. Once she put the emphasis on the "but" she tried to hide her weak argumentation with some other "..." knowledge. So I simply stopped watching. It is a shame... she had such a nice relaxing voice.
I browse forward in the relaxing clips. This one is nice. I lean back on the chair, and strut my feet on an other chair and enjoy the calm of the music. My mind flows into the subject of the soul for some more time. The song is over, and look around for an other one to jack in my playlist.
One comment catches my eye. I didn't save it but it was something like she was feeling relaxed... and life after death and the joy of reunion with the universe and so on and so forth when you die. My left eyebrow raises (I hate this word, always mistyping it) a bit. Foolish simpleton. How can you confuse so bluntly the soul with your consciousness? How can you believe that your soul is your mind?
I'm an atheist and I say it proud, but even I can not discard a notion perpetuated for the millennial time of humanity without having a strong based argument. I'm speaking about the soul - I can't say that I have one or not, where I'm staying it is like 50-50... but even so... I KNOW that NO RELIGION implies that my soul is my mind... it would be hilarious... to be one with the universe and "think" boy that supernova was cool, I wish my ex would be here with me to see it... End even if you say that the soul is the essence of the mind then okay... it is still the same thing... the essence will leave my body when I will die and will be one with the universe once more... but the essence will be just that... essence... that means no memories, no recollection of who I was, no individuality... The me I know will still be dead and six feet under!
I assume that perhaps only 2% of people believing in a god are actually sane enough to make the difference between the soul and the mind. If the soul exist then okay, when you die it may go to Manitu's plains, Heaven, be one with the universe or whatever... but you, you the individual, the mind, the consciousness, the life form, the body, the human, the ideas you have, the love, the feelings, the memories and everything you know it is you... well... that HAS to remain behind... (six feet under or incinerated). So... I will only say this once: YOU only live once!
And so is a tree (btw, I took a brief look at that one again. Puff, puff, zip, zip - same drill). And they also have a soul. Or at least they have something that connects the tree, the ugly grass, the filthy human, the rabid rabbit, the dumb dove, that dieing flower from the vase, the stray dog, the slick rat, the orgasmic pig, the funny cockroaches, the happy worms chewing somebody six feet under and all the rest of the colorful bunch of critters on this planet (hence that we might be disconnected "spiritually speaking" with aliens, not proven yet - more experiments are needed).
Countless experiments have proven the reactivity of plants to music, voice, feelings (don't underestimate the power of optimism and harmony influencing those around you) or physical acts. I remember about one, where it was proven that plants reacted to the vicinity of somebody harming them allot and not reacting to somebody else. Yes... plants have memory as well. Every life form's existence is precious. Every human, animal or plant has an individuality and it is unique.
I thus start postulating my utopia, I call it the Earth of the Gods - the world we should make for ourselves (the number is relative only to the fact that this is the first I mention, has nothing to do with the importance):
Postulation 1
Every life form is an individual of this world.
Every individual, regardless or the kind, kin, race, reign, legacy or form is precious.
There is a natural balance among life forms on this planet.
Destroying life with disregard of the individuality or the balance itself is an act of perpetuation and encouragement for genocide.
Genocides must be eradicated and discouraged.
Here lies the autumn of my hopes.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The glazing lights
The glazing lights of the stars are trowing their kindness over the cold Rno night. I'm walking silently counting steps. A few thoughts are flying by but I concentrate harder, 78, 79...
I stop. No matter how much I want to deny it, I want to go back. I hesitate. I look forward - only the street and the lights. I look back. I can not remember what I was seeing but I remember why I left. Too many things happen. There is no going back and I'm trying to convince myself of the truth: it is too late now, you better keep on walking.
And so I did... I made one more step. A step without any confidence, it felt like a step of cowards. I'm not a coward - I can still go back. I can do something about it.
- What can you do? said the other voice. What can I do. Indeed a puzzle. I was certainly not going forward nor was I going back. A moment of reflection was needed. Am I drunk? testing my reactions: nope, I'm perfectly sober. I just need to seat this one out and decide. I roll a cigarette and grab a bench to sit on. It seemed like the bench was waiting for me all along.
It's a tough decision. She seemed happy. Dancing was certainly fun. No words beside the casual chat-chat. The eyes spoke more words on different occasions then our mouths could. And then that question. She was nervous when she asked me. All the lights went dim, all the voices stopped in a split of a second just as the music did also. I could only feel her words and my hands. I could only hear the blood flowing in my veins. Everything else was frozen in time.
It took me perhaps a second or two to snap out of it. Or perhaps it took longer. I can't remember. All that matter is that I managed to stop my hands from shaking and I gathered all the energy left inside me and said: "no". I could have said yes but it seemed more appropriate. It didn't matter what what I was thinking, it didn't matter what she was thinking... all it matter is that she asked. I felt the knife twisting again. My words were also twisting and twisting. "No, it doesn't bother me at all". Ough the pain of words.
I roll an other cigarette and light it. I can't lie myself. I was also curious if I can do it. I wanted to know if I can stand the pressure. I went dancing to cool it off. He came in a while. A bit disappointing. She can do better then him. Allot better. But then again she said to me why she likes him. I was pretending to have some conversation. I was actually only putting questions for the guys around me to have something to listen and for me to pretend I listen.
I did look closely every time I was rolling a cigarette or when taking a zip of beer. He was talking with the girl next to her. He stood 3 minutes with his hand over her leg and leaning over blocking her view and position. For 3 minutes she stood there quietly like that. Not doing anything. After 3 minutes he leaves and I can finally see her face. She looks so tensed. So in the end... everything was only a pride thing. He looked like he needed to make his presence felt in the crowed and she gave in into it.
I tried to decide what do then. It would have been pointless to try to simulate that show. I'm not a puppy for quite some time. I now prefer biting over yawning and my bite is confident. But I don't want to do that either. I owe it to my friend which invited me. I can't pretend that everything is all right, I can't pretend that nothing bothers me. Ten minutes of acting was enough for me to find out what I wanted to know.
The stars are glaring much clear now. It's a bit cold and I start to feel it. I zip my jacket tighter and roll one more cigarette. I used the perfect most acceptable alibi, in 3 hours I need to go to work.
And that's that. I left and now here I am. Standing on the empty streets, with my empty heart and my empty staring at the stars. Those glazing stars. Sometimes I'd wish they'd speak to me.
I better go home, everything is cold in here. That bottle of wine might keep me warm for the next two hours.
I stop. No matter how much I want to deny it, I want to go back. I hesitate. I look forward - only the street and the lights. I look back. I can not remember what I was seeing but I remember why I left. Too many things happen. There is no going back and I'm trying to convince myself of the truth: it is too late now, you better keep on walking.
And so I did... I made one more step. A step without any confidence, it felt like a step of cowards. I'm not a coward - I can still go back. I can do something about it.
- What can you do? said the other voice. What can I do. Indeed a puzzle. I was certainly not going forward nor was I going back. A moment of reflection was needed. Am I drunk? testing my reactions: nope, I'm perfectly sober. I just need to seat this one out and decide. I roll a cigarette and grab a bench to sit on. It seemed like the bench was waiting for me all along.
It's a tough decision. She seemed happy. Dancing was certainly fun. No words beside the casual chat-chat. The eyes spoke more words on different occasions then our mouths could. And then that question. She was nervous when she asked me. All the lights went dim, all the voices stopped in a split of a second just as the music did also. I could only feel her words and my hands. I could only hear the blood flowing in my veins. Everything else was frozen in time.
It took me perhaps a second or two to snap out of it. Or perhaps it took longer. I can't remember. All that matter is that I managed to stop my hands from shaking and I gathered all the energy left inside me and said: "no". I could have said yes but it seemed more appropriate. It didn't matter what what I was thinking, it didn't matter what she was thinking... all it matter is that she asked. I felt the knife twisting again. My words were also twisting and twisting. "No, it doesn't bother me at all". Ough the pain of words.
I roll an other cigarette and light it. I can't lie myself. I was also curious if I can do it. I wanted to know if I can stand the pressure. I went dancing to cool it off. He came in a while. A bit disappointing. She can do better then him. Allot better. But then again she said to me why she likes him. I was pretending to have some conversation. I was actually only putting questions for the guys around me to have something to listen and for me to pretend I listen.
I did look closely every time I was rolling a cigarette or when taking a zip of beer. He was talking with the girl next to her. He stood 3 minutes with his hand over her leg and leaning over blocking her view and position. For 3 minutes she stood there quietly like that. Not doing anything. After 3 minutes he leaves and I can finally see her face. She looks so tensed. So in the end... everything was only a pride thing. He looked like he needed to make his presence felt in the crowed and she gave in into it.
I tried to decide what do then. It would have been pointless to try to simulate that show. I'm not a puppy for quite some time. I now prefer biting over yawning and my bite is confident. But I don't want to do that either. I owe it to my friend which invited me. I can't pretend that everything is all right, I can't pretend that nothing bothers me. Ten minutes of acting was enough for me to find out what I wanted to know.
The stars are glaring much clear now. It's a bit cold and I start to feel it. I zip my jacket tighter and roll one more cigarette. I used the perfect most acceptable alibi, in 3 hours I need to go to work.
And that's that. I left and now here I am. Standing on the empty streets, with my empty heart and my empty staring at the stars. Those glazing stars. Sometimes I'd wish they'd speak to me.
I better go home, everything is cold in here. That bottle of wine might keep me warm for the next two hours.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Focus
Yellow hello and a green grin for my true blue friendly friends.
Have you noticed how the water flows in a river, bashing into stones, heaping over itself in streams of flows but always moving down further and further? It is just as a thought - a thought is flowing down withing the paths of thoughts and just as a stream it bashes into heavy stones of nexuses and then splits around in other thoughts and endlessly flowing through your mind.
I like to imagine thoughts as a stream of water... sometimes the beams of sun rays make little sparkles in the water just as similar as a stream of thoughts may sometimes shine an idea. Thousands of ideas shine under the sun but for my eyes own delight alone. Sometimes a stream may go far enough to meet other alike and together they end up forming a river - and rivers, as big as may get, they always end up dumping themselves in the deep colorless seas... and there... the sun shines allot, and the sea becomes blue and the see connects itself with an ocean... more water, more ideas...
It's been this way the course of nature. Endless eras went by... the ideas still shine.
Nothing lasts longer then an idea... not even a voice. A voice can only have an echo... and echoes bounce around and if there is someone to listen then an other echo bounces back. And if you get yourself more voices rising up then you have yourself a choir. Funny thing about a choir... if the voices are not synchronized then you don't hear a bohemian tune - you can only hear noise.
The voices need conductor... without one, there is only noise around. Sometimes there is someone to rise to the occasion and to become such a conductor, a leader, a man that echoes through history as the banner of a concept.
And here lays the essence of the biggest misguided belief. We must identify our voices with somebody to carry it out for us, someone to guide us, to conduct... someone to make us sing. We like to sing and we love doing it as long somebody tells us how. This is the core principle of democracy. While "kratos" stands for power, demos stands for popular (intended as people). Funny word "popular" is. Popularity finds its roots and meaning as the preference of the people. But in the end, that's what democracy is at its core - to follow the directions of those which have a wider popularity.
How's that working?
It is simple... I need to sing along with the rest of the bunch and we do so by selecting someone fit for the position of the conductor - and naturally the fairest way is by voting; and us, the singers put up a vote - we vote for the one which each of us singers assumes can conduct us best. Evidently, the majority of votes will select the most popular conductor, the human which can lead us.
Theory is funny - it always sounds good but it always happens something that makes it hard to put it in practice. Communism sounds good as well... it is actually sounds better then democracy but we all know from experience what a catastrophic failure that was. Something in my gut tells, actually is desperately shouting from its cage from where ever I managed to lock it up, that the better something sounds, the worse the noise gets... unless there is someone to lead - but leading such a complex and magnificent choir no longer stands to be called democracy... it goes even beyond elitism (that structure where the masses are controlled by a few elites)...
My stream of thoughts is bouncing of rocks for months... it is still flowing... and withing this flow finally I find something that sounds much better. It is called meritocracy. It actually sounds so nice to reward people by their merit in contribution to society that it makes me sick... it is such an utopian concept that it would turn out in practice as just a big society failure.
Why do people always ignore the biggest individual factor that manifests itself into any kind of society? Why do people forget that people are selfish? All our actions - absolutely everything we do is born out of selfishness. Everything bad in our nature comes finds its roots in the evil of the selfishness. Greed, envy, maliciousness, waste, violence... everything is pure selfishness.
Are you an altruist? You do good to others in spite of your own? You sacrifice yourself for the good of others? Well... you poor thing, that is also a selfish thing. You don't do it out of altruism, you only do it to fulfill your own hunger for respect, honor, or any other miss belief of yours that you're hiding even to yourself...
There were so few people with a big impact in my life, and one of them is Lan - he once asked me why do you do it? Why do you help people which might never help you back? What is the reason behind your actions? What motivates you to do it? I was trying to convince him of my beliefs but he insisted so hard that he made me look into myself so deep into the dark, I had to focus so intensely that finally I twisted the key of the Pandora box's lock and let it out free - the answer I was hiding all along - I love helping others, I receive joy from other people's joy - it is only my own kind of exertion of power over the world - it is my grasp of control over the medium I'm... the more good I do, the more good things might happen back to me as a reward... the sorrow of the truth, in front of me, only proved me what I feared all along... humans were created selfish and there's no escape.
If there is such a primordial sin then selfishness is the one and no matter how much we might strive to escape it, there is no escaping it. If there is such an encoded master rule printed in our DNA for our psychic's algorithms - then selfishness it is and no mistake about it, perhaps the most important and never able to overrule it... Perhaps one day... when we stop being humans we will manage to erase it. Until then... you are all just humans and your selfish nature is your limitation and your executioner as well.
Focus on it!
Have you noticed how the water flows in a river, bashing into stones, heaping over itself in streams of flows but always moving down further and further? It is just as a thought - a thought is flowing down withing the paths of thoughts and just as a stream it bashes into heavy stones of nexuses and then splits around in other thoughts and endlessly flowing through your mind.
I like to imagine thoughts as a stream of water... sometimes the beams of sun rays make little sparkles in the water just as similar as a stream of thoughts may sometimes shine an idea. Thousands of ideas shine under the sun but for my eyes own delight alone. Sometimes a stream may go far enough to meet other alike and together they end up forming a river - and rivers, as big as may get, they always end up dumping themselves in the deep colorless seas... and there... the sun shines allot, and the sea becomes blue and the see connects itself with an ocean... more water, more ideas...
It's been this way the course of nature. Endless eras went by... the ideas still shine.
Nothing lasts longer then an idea... not even a voice. A voice can only have an echo... and echoes bounce around and if there is someone to listen then an other echo bounces back. And if you get yourself more voices rising up then you have yourself a choir. Funny thing about a choir... if the voices are not synchronized then you don't hear a bohemian tune - you can only hear noise.
The voices need conductor... without one, there is only noise around. Sometimes there is someone to rise to the occasion and to become such a conductor, a leader, a man that echoes through history as the banner of a concept.
And here lays the essence of the biggest misguided belief. We must identify our voices with somebody to carry it out for us, someone to guide us, to conduct... someone to make us sing. We like to sing and we love doing it as long somebody tells us how. This is the core principle of democracy. While "kratos" stands for power, demos stands for popular (intended as people). Funny word "popular" is. Popularity finds its roots and meaning as the preference of the people. But in the end, that's what democracy is at its core - to follow the directions of those which have a wider popularity.
How's that working?
It is simple... I need to sing along with the rest of the bunch and we do so by selecting someone fit for the position of the conductor - and naturally the fairest way is by voting; and us, the singers put up a vote - we vote for the one which each of us singers assumes can conduct us best. Evidently, the majority of votes will select the most popular conductor, the human which can lead us.
Theory is funny - it always sounds good but it always happens something that makes it hard to put it in practice. Communism sounds good as well... it is actually sounds better then democracy but we all know from experience what a catastrophic failure that was. Something in my gut tells, actually is desperately shouting from its cage from where ever I managed to lock it up, that the better something sounds, the worse the noise gets... unless there is someone to lead - but leading such a complex and magnificent choir no longer stands to be called democracy... it goes even beyond elitism (that structure where the masses are controlled by a few elites)...
My stream of thoughts is bouncing of rocks for months... it is still flowing... and withing this flow finally I find something that sounds much better. It is called meritocracy. It actually sounds so nice to reward people by their merit in contribution to society that it makes me sick... it is such an utopian concept that it would turn out in practice as just a big society failure.
Why do people always ignore the biggest individual factor that manifests itself into any kind of society? Why do people forget that people are selfish? All our actions - absolutely everything we do is born out of selfishness. Everything bad in our nature comes finds its roots in the evil of the selfishness. Greed, envy, maliciousness, waste, violence... everything is pure selfishness.
Are you an altruist? You do good to others in spite of your own? You sacrifice yourself for the good of others? Well... you poor thing, that is also a selfish thing. You don't do it out of altruism, you only do it to fulfill your own hunger for respect, honor, or any other miss belief of yours that you're hiding even to yourself...
There were so few people with a big impact in my life, and one of them is Lan - he once asked me why do you do it? Why do you help people which might never help you back? What is the reason behind your actions? What motivates you to do it? I was trying to convince him of my beliefs but he insisted so hard that he made me look into myself so deep into the dark, I had to focus so intensely that finally I twisted the key of the Pandora box's lock and let it out free - the answer I was hiding all along - I love helping others, I receive joy from other people's joy - it is only my own kind of exertion of power over the world - it is my grasp of control over the medium I'm... the more good I do, the more good things might happen back to me as a reward... the sorrow of the truth, in front of me, only proved me what I feared all along... humans were created selfish and there's no escape.
If there is such a primordial sin then selfishness is the one and no matter how much we might strive to escape it, there is no escaping it. If there is such an encoded master rule printed in our DNA for our psychic's algorithms - then selfishness it is and no mistake about it, perhaps the most important and never able to overrule it... Perhaps one day... when we stop being humans we will manage to erase it. Until then... you are all just humans and your selfish nature is your limitation and your executioner as well.
Focus on it!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Society
I was speaking with a friend about it - I was sorry not being able to show him what is written here because I didn't had the time before.
I am compelled to do it now.
We were speaking about the lack of education deepening in our society, about the fact that during communism we were obliged to learn and this was rewarded to some extent. A member of the society was motivated, supported and encouraged to learn more and to educate himself as much possible.
No need to go in polemics about it - it was what it was at that time's extent and now we can see it shattered. We can see young people having no respect, following bad values. It can not be generalized, but I can bet one month of my salary that you agree with me. The educational system today is worse then the one 20 years ago.
Today as well, with an other friend we opened the topic of religion - actually he did, because I have strong opinions about it, with various extremely good arguments and I see no point in opening a topic where most people can not tell me anything new. By the way, I'm an atheist - the truly convinced type. He knew that, but his topic within the topic was concerning (just as my other friend was saying about education) that young people have no strong sense of morality or bad values developed. He was speaking from the religion point of view that less people are religious now-a-days and this is why.
Okay... religion has MANY benefits upon humanity as a specie. It also has its down parts. One of the biggest benefits is hope - and hopefully (I allow myself a small grin) I'll manage to cover this some other day. Other smaller benefits are the teachings of morality and of treasuring the correct values. But religion does this only when the morals and the values are not thought to people by their parents or guardians. If someone knows how to explain then he'll make you choose. If I tell you that killing an ant is wrong you may or may not believe me, depends on how much respect you have for me. But if I tell a situation in which killing an ant is a good thing and then an other where it is a bad thing - then you'll judge the action and develop values, and those might be in this situation auto protection for instance but also that harming other beings for no reason is not pointless but reckless, stupid and thus wrong!
This is the basic pedagogy of values and morality - this is the way it should be done to be effective, and this is how if it is lacking then religion might teach you that by the simple fact that you believe some text from a book and if that book also tells you what is right and wrong then you might believe that too.
Regardless of the fact that you can judge for yourself and make it undoubtful - a value, your parents, your school or your religion can teach you that, and this is how you have morals. Values and morals are slightly different from this point of view - values are your own and they are what you managed to figure out, morals is what you choose to value without a logical breakthrough or revelation on why.
Enough with this for the moment, let's return to the first friend's topic: "The government should provide better education and better programs for our imbecile country". He didn't say it like that but you get the point.
First off, the state is nothing... the people are the one who should be thinking this and say it loud. Then the government will implement it. The government is just the tool in making the needing stuff or desires of the people coming true. The government is powerless in reality - it is the people choosing what should be done or not. It is also up to the people to have a good and efficient government system. If you are in a democracy - then careful whom you elect. If it is a totalitarian system, then the one in charge is the one needed to command the changes the people want regardless of some "sporadic" individual disagreements. The bottom line is: if your parents take the time to properly educate you then you will be educated, you will learn, you will want to learn more - you will want to make the world a better place and you will want to follow your dreams because you'll have the ability to distinguish between what YOU want and what you should want. If your parents educate you then you will grow and want your kids to be educated as well.
By education I strictly mean knowing and judging what's good and bad in life. Education can also refer to knowledge... that's something else and it comes along as an extension of education.
So... why is everything turning to shit more and more with every decade? I think this is a badly formulated question - things are just evolving... Everything has a reason. Lets blame society...
What is society? It is the conglomeration of principles in which we coexist. The principles are in a few categories and laws are formulated around those principles. The society is how WE agree to live. It is an organized way for us to coexist with each other.
Excepting some rare cases when some people might live in the wild by themselves we are all born in a society. And because of this, then we must agree with those rules. Those rules are made around some values - some principles... if nobody tells you what they are then you must figure it out. However, when you are taught something doesn't necessary make it true.
What are the main two values of your society?
I live in a democracy, and since this is the most spread form of society I will take democracy as my example. Easy right? Anyone can answer this question... Right? Is it freedom? Is it pace? Is it harmony? Well being? Which are the two most evident values which can be seen in democracy? I will disagree with you, the answer is greed and selfishness. That's right... if you live in a democracy then you have to be greedy and you have to be selfish. If you don't do that then you'll never succeed in anything... If you say that this is false then I will say HA! You can not follow your dreams without being even a bit selfish, you can not reach your ambitions unless you are a bit greedy... A society that promotes wealth is a society promoting greed and selfishness. Why is the democracy the most corrupt system? this is why...
Okay, so democracy is not perfect... it has its good and its bad... We can all agree. There was this guy which was labeled as communist saying that democracy will auto destroy itself... and so the communists were waiting and waiting for that to happen. But it didn't...so far at least. But let me ask you this...
The TEST - GOOD vs BAD
Are you educated? Have you been taught what is good or bad? Ar you able to make simple logical choices? I will put that to a test...
Here are the rules - think only about the present and the feature when you answer and completely ignore what you have been thought and search good arguments when you answer.
1. A wasp is around you and it is not giving you peace no matter how much you try making it go away. You know it can sting you and you know you don't want that. You remain with two options: kill it or leave.
Kill the wasp - good or bad?
2. You have a mobile phone; it still works, you can use it, but it is rather old, looks crappy and in fact, you spoke so much on it for the last years that the company you are using for the service can give you a better, newer mobile phone for free (or some huge discount for a cool phone).
Change the phone with the new one: good or bad?
3. You have an old car; you have enough money to buy a new car and there isn't a better investment for the money that you can think of: a more reliable car, a more secure car, a faster car, more comfortable, a car which consumes less gas - it is better in all the aspects.
Buy a new car: good or bad?
4. You see a beggar near a market place, you see him allot and you know his poor, homeless and perhaps hopeless.
Give a coin or two to the beggar: good or bad?
5. The city you live in needs more parking places. A new parking lot in the center would help allot with the traffic and with the aesthetics of having people parking where ever they can. Plus, there is a free space in the center owned by the city which can be used for that.
Build the parking lot: good or bad?
6. The leader of a totalitarian regime is committing humanity crimes against its people. We have the power to help those people but yet, our government decides not to do it.
Don't help them: good or bad?
7. Our country has this year a 20% more income from exports this year. We exported more food to poor countries. This means food for the hungry and more money for us for everything, we can finally invest into making our country a better place: better education, better health system better life.
More income for our country: good or bad?
8. Natality is grater then mortality - this means that more people are born then the ones are dieing.
Is this good or bad?
So... was this simple enough for you? Did you manage to find a good argument for your bad or good answer? I hope it was - because my arguments say all the answers are BAD and you answer most of them if not all as being good.
Question 8: more people are getting born then the ones dieing. This means a few good things are happening, the health system is better, the conditions of life are better, the crimes might be lower, people are living longer. This are all good things in life, right? Tell me something, you know that on Earth are almost 7 billion people, right? For the sake of humor and mathematics lets round it to 7 assuming we can count that well... The world wide natality/mortaliti ratio is around 2%. Not that much but it means we are having more people living on earth each year. Do you know in how many years the population will double if we keep this up? Only 35. Do you know when we will have 28 billion people on Earth? You guessed right... an other 35 years... If you will see a crowded city... imagine how you're grand kids will feel like... Bleah... Must I remind you the resources you need to feed 14 billion people? I'll tell you... twice as much we have now...
Should I comment on the other questions? I guess I should...
Question 7 - More income for our country: good or bad?
More money for our country... and we got that money how? Growing food... and we grow that food where? on the land. On the land was before what? Most likely a forest. What was in that forest? Animals, plants and trees. So... in order to get more money we killed a bunch of animals, leveled some trees and there you have it. A better life for the humans... at which cost? At the cost of our planet. Democracy is imposing a stupid financial system, the system is based on economic growth... if you produce more, if you consume more, if you sell more... then everything is better. WRONG - how much do you think you can keep it up? How much time can democracy can sustain an exponential level of resources exploitation? Perhaps long enough, perhaps not that long.
Question 6 - help the oppressed people.
What happens if you do help them we know... we get to war, some people are dieing (which is good thing when you think about the real-estate prices 35 years from now) but we free the people... and then they are free... to choose to be democratic... woohoo, we are making real progress here... And what happens if you don't help them? I guess they either help themselves when they get sick of it (and then they will choose to be democratic) or either they accept it... and do "nothing"... and this nothing will turn into something... and that something is not democracy... which can be bad but it can also be good because then we will have VARIETY. We will have "those" people which think differently and they do that because they had to put up with all that shit when they were oppressed. What gives you the right to impose good or bad? What gives you the right to choose for other people? What gives you the right to believe you are better then other people? What gives you the right to impose your opinion? Is this part of the democratic principles?
5 Build a parking lot.
That's bad... that's really bad... you encourage people to own cars. You encourage people to use cars. More cars means more traffic, more traffic means more parking lots, more parking places means more people can take more cars because there is more room for more cars... We have enough technologies in order to ensure a more efficient transport method. Bus, trams, sub-way... aren't they better? I know of one city in South-America where they did that... they didn't build larger streets, they didn't build more parking places, they just made special lanes for buses... what was the outcome? In each station there was a bus stopping each 1-3 minutes, they are traveling faster by bus, it is cheaper, you can get anywhere in the city... cheaper, faster, better and ORGANIZED... this is what I call progress. This is a good thing... more cars is bad thing... imagine in 35 years the traffic... P.S. - use your car for emergency transports or out of the city.
4 The beggar on the corner.
He has his own corner to beg at, he's doing it daily... why would I help him... why would I encourage such a parasite? What happens if nobody gives him anything... how will him survive? Simple... he start earning money or he dies. If he earns money then I am correct - he should not beg... if he dies, I'm sure other people will know about it and I'm sure people will realize that if they don't do something they will die... and so... more people are doing something in staid of existing only as a parasite. If you ask me about some situations when there is nothing you can do and you need just a little help or touch of humanity - then yes, I agree, help him do something, help him by taking him to church where they serve hot soup for the broken souls.
* Story * (be warned of the boring topic)
One time in a train station in Bucharest there were perhaps 5 beggars in my near vicinity while I was waiting for my train. I didn't give them anything and they probably cursed me a bit in return. At a certain point, a young boy comes to me and say that he needs some more money for a ticket to go on the sea side. I gave him all the money I could spare - it was more then he asked (he actually tried to convince me to take the extra back). One of the beggars asked me, why you help him and you don't want to help me? I need money for food, he doesn't need it that much. I replayed: some day he will work for money, he will do something - you don't do anything, you are strong and you could work, if you ask me to give you money and in return you carry my suitcase I would have agreed. I don't need anyone to help me with my suitcase but I can help you if you are willing to help yourself. He didn't said anything more, he just returned in his spot. I realized he probably only wanted to know how much of a curse to put on me... more on the subject can only be expressed by the Romanian movie "Filantropica" (in a true and funny matter).
3. The new car acquisition
I'm sure you asked yourself - what BAD reason can be behind a better car... We all know the good reasons... I'd like to emphasis the less pollution factor from the new car. That's a big "good thing". But then again, you're not buying it because you care about Earth and the place where your crowded grandchildren will live - you care only about yourself... you care about your comfort, you care about your style, you care about anything else but altruism and need. You don't need a new car, you don't need it at all actually - if you don't know what else better you can do with your money then you might not have any needs actually. You're all good except driving an old car. Congratulations, you're the perfect example of a selfish normal human. Don't tell me you would donate the old car... you would not, you are also greedy... this is the society you live in, everybody is the same, why should you feel stupid being different.
No. 2
It is the same thing as above... you don't need a new phone, this one still works. It is free? Woohoo... out with the old, in with the new, let's waste some resources and energy, lets all be selfish and in style!
No.1
Kill the puny insect - it will give you a sting which can last up to 24 hours, you will feel uncomfortable, frustrated and terrorized if that happens. Hmm, here's an idea: call someone to get rid of that pesky hive of wasps which have no place in the trophic chain and then you can keep on with your life happy and untroubled and when you'll get 83 years old you can take you grand-grand children to the "zoo" and explain why the wasps in that jar are dangerous and how people killed them all in order to stay alive and overpopulate the Earth.
You know what people... you make me sick... I despise you... you're just a bunch of fucking animals fucking in the top of the food chain, you're nothing but a mindless pack of horny rabid monkeys taking joy from farting on the cockroaches crawling in you kitchen for a crumb of bread. You're the ugliest kind of cancer this planet has and cancer has only one cure and only one effect. The effect is to spread until it kills it host and the cure is eradication.
I grin when a fire destroys 200 houses, I smile when an earthquake kills 1000 in some place, I'm laughing when a tsunami washes away 10.000 bodies and I'm laughing hysterically when I hear millions of people die each year by starvation. It only means we get some more time... that's all... the cancer dies as well when its host it is killed.
But perhaps I have an unprecedented black humor which nobody understands and I surely must be schizophrenic. Only an insane man would say do such a thing... I should be locked away for being an endanger to society.
Funny - if cancer can be prevented I never heard of a cure that convinces cancer to stop what it is doing. I guess the only hope can come from God... oh wait... wasn't there something said about some apocalypse thing? I wonder what's that all about...
You have read all the way here? It is time you get a life and start to Live happy and prosperous! You'll die anyway because you're a selfish greedy individual of a prosperous society.
Thank you and fuck of.
I am compelled to do it now.
We were speaking about the lack of education deepening in our society, about the fact that during communism we were obliged to learn and this was rewarded to some extent. A member of the society was motivated, supported and encouraged to learn more and to educate himself as much possible.
No need to go in polemics about it - it was what it was at that time's extent and now we can see it shattered. We can see young people having no respect, following bad values. It can not be generalized, but I can bet one month of my salary that you agree with me. The educational system today is worse then the one 20 years ago.
Today as well, with an other friend we opened the topic of religion - actually he did, because I have strong opinions about it, with various extremely good arguments and I see no point in opening a topic where most people can not tell me anything new. By the way, I'm an atheist - the truly convinced type. He knew that, but his topic within the topic was concerning (just as my other friend was saying about education) that young people have no strong sense of morality or bad values developed. He was speaking from the religion point of view that less people are religious now-a-days and this is why.
Okay... religion has MANY benefits upon humanity as a specie. It also has its down parts. One of the biggest benefits is hope - and hopefully (I allow myself a small grin) I'll manage to cover this some other day. Other smaller benefits are the teachings of morality and of treasuring the correct values. But religion does this only when the morals and the values are not thought to people by their parents or guardians. If someone knows how to explain then he'll make you choose. If I tell you that killing an ant is wrong you may or may not believe me, depends on how much respect you have for me. But if I tell a situation in which killing an ant is a good thing and then an other where it is a bad thing - then you'll judge the action and develop values, and those might be in this situation auto protection for instance but also that harming other beings for no reason is not pointless but reckless, stupid and thus wrong!
This is the basic pedagogy of values and morality - this is the way it should be done to be effective, and this is how if it is lacking then religion might teach you that by the simple fact that you believe some text from a book and if that book also tells you what is right and wrong then you might believe that too.
Regardless of the fact that you can judge for yourself and make it undoubtful - a value, your parents, your school or your religion can teach you that, and this is how you have morals. Values and morals are slightly different from this point of view - values are your own and they are what you managed to figure out, morals is what you choose to value without a logical breakthrough or revelation on why.
Enough with this for the moment, let's return to the first friend's topic: "The government should provide better education and better programs for our imbecile country". He didn't say it like that but you get the point.
First off, the state is nothing... the people are the one who should be thinking this and say it loud. Then the government will implement it. The government is just the tool in making the needing stuff or desires of the people coming true. The government is powerless in reality - it is the people choosing what should be done or not. It is also up to the people to have a good and efficient government system. If you are in a democracy - then careful whom you elect. If it is a totalitarian system, then the one in charge is the one needed to command the changes the people want regardless of some "sporadic" individual disagreements. The bottom line is: if your parents take the time to properly educate you then you will be educated, you will learn, you will want to learn more - you will want to make the world a better place and you will want to follow your dreams because you'll have the ability to distinguish between what YOU want and what you should want. If your parents educate you then you will grow and want your kids to be educated as well.
By education I strictly mean knowing and judging what's good and bad in life. Education can also refer to knowledge... that's something else and it comes along as an extension of education.
So... why is everything turning to shit more and more with every decade? I think this is a badly formulated question - things are just evolving... Everything has a reason. Lets blame society...
What is society? It is the conglomeration of principles in which we coexist. The principles are in a few categories and laws are formulated around those principles. The society is how WE agree to live. It is an organized way for us to coexist with each other.
Excepting some rare cases when some people might live in the wild by themselves we are all born in a society. And because of this, then we must agree with those rules. Those rules are made around some values - some principles... if nobody tells you what they are then you must figure it out. However, when you are taught something doesn't necessary make it true.
What are the main two values of your society?
I live in a democracy, and since this is the most spread form of society I will take democracy as my example. Easy right? Anyone can answer this question... Right? Is it freedom? Is it pace? Is it harmony? Well being? Which are the two most evident values which can be seen in democracy? I will disagree with you, the answer is greed and selfishness. That's right... if you live in a democracy then you have to be greedy and you have to be selfish. If you don't do that then you'll never succeed in anything... If you say that this is false then I will say HA! You can not follow your dreams without being even a bit selfish, you can not reach your ambitions unless you are a bit greedy... A society that promotes wealth is a society promoting greed and selfishness. Why is the democracy the most corrupt system? this is why...
Okay, so democracy is not perfect... it has its good and its bad... We can all agree. There was this guy which was labeled as communist saying that democracy will auto destroy itself... and so the communists were waiting and waiting for that to happen. But it didn't...so far at least. But let me ask you this...
The TEST - GOOD vs BAD
Are you educated? Have you been taught what is good or bad? Ar you able to make simple logical choices? I will put that to a test...
Here are the rules - think only about the present and the feature when you answer and completely ignore what you have been thought and search good arguments when you answer.
1. A wasp is around you and it is not giving you peace no matter how much you try making it go away. You know it can sting you and you know you don't want that. You remain with two options: kill it or leave.
Kill the wasp - good or bad?
2. You have a mobile phone; it still works, you can use it, but it is rather old, looks crappy and in fact, you spoke so much on it for the last years that the company you are using for the service can give you a better, newer mobile phone for free (or some huge discount for a cool phone).
Change the phone with the new one: good or bad?
3. You have an old car; you have enough money to buy a new car and there isn't a better investment for the money that you can think of: a more reliable car, a more secure car, a faster car, more comfortable, a car which consumes less gas - it is better in all the aspects.
Buy a new car: good or bad?
4. You see a beggar near a market place, you see him allot and you know his poor, homeless and perhaps hopeless.
Give a coin or two to the beggar: good or bad?
5. The city you live in needs more parking places. A new parking lot in the center would help allot with the traffic and with the aesthetics of having people parking where ever they can. Plus, there is a free space in the center owned by the city which can be used for that.
Build the parking lot: good or bad?
6. The leader of a totalitarian regime is committing humanity crimes against its people. We have the power to help those people but yet, our government decides not to do it.
Don't help them: good or bad?
7. Our country has this year a 20% more income from exports this year. We exported more food to poor countries. This means food for the hungry and more money for us for everything, we can finally invest into making our country a better place: better education, better health system better life.
More income for our country: good or bad?
8. Natality is grater then mortality - this means that more people are born then the ones are dieing.
Is this good or bad?
So... was this simple enough for you? Did you manage to find a good argument for your bad or good answer? I hope it was - because my arguments say all the answers are BAD and you answer most of them if not all as being good.
Question 8: more people are getting born then the ones dieing. This means a few good things are happening, the health system is better, the conditions of life are better, the crimes might be lower, people are living longer. This are all good things in life, right? Tell me something, you know that on Earth are almost 7 billion people, right? For the sake of humor and mathematics lets round it to 7 assuming we can count that well... The world wide natality/mortaliti ratio is around 2%. Not that much but it means we are having more people living on earth each year. Do you know in how many years the population will double if we keep this up? Only 35. Do you know when we will have 28 billion people on Earth? You guessed right... an other 35 years... If you will see a crowded city... imagine how you're grand kids will feel like... Bleah... Must I remind you the resources you need to feed 14 billion people? I'll tell you... twice as much we have now...
Should I comment on the other questions? I guess I should...
Question 7 - More income for our country: good or bad?
More money for our country... and we got that money how? Growing food... and we grow that food where? on the land. On the land was before what? Most likely a forest. What was in that forest? Animals, plants and trees. So... in order to get more money we killed a bunch of animals, leveled some trees and there you have it. A better life for the humans... at which cost? At the cost of our planet. Democracy is imposing a stupid financial system, the system is based on economic growth... if you produce more, if you consume more, if you sell more... then everything is better. WRONG - how much do you think you can keep it up? How much time can democracy can sustain an exponential level of resources exploitation? Perhaps long enough, perhaps not that long.
Question 6 - help the oppressed people.
What happens if you do help them we know... we get to war, some people are dieing (which is good thing when you think about the real-estate prices 35 years from now) but we free the people... and then they are free... to choose to be democratic... woohoo, we are making real progress here... And what happens if you don't help them? I guess they either help themselves when they get sick of it (and then they will choose to be democratic) or either they accept it... and do "nothing"... and this nothing will turn into something... and that something is not democracy... which can be bad but it can also be good because then we will have VARIETY. We will have "those" people which think differently and they do that because they had to put up with all that shit when they were oppressed. What gives you the right to impose good or bad? What gives you the right to choose for other people? What gives you the right to believe you are better then other people? What gives you the right to impose your opinion? Is this part of the democratic principles?
5 Build a parking lot.
That's bad... that's really bad... you encourage people to own cars. You encourage people to use cars. More cars means more traffic, more traffic means more parking lots, more parking places means more people can take more cars because there is more room for more cars... We have enough technologies in order to ensure a more efficient transport method. Bus, trams, sub-way... aren't they better? I know of one city in South-America where they did that... they didn't build larger streets, they didn't build more parking places, they just made special lanes for buses... what was the outcome? In each station there was a bus stopping each 1-3 minutes, they are traveling faster by bus, it is cheaper, you can get anywhere in the city... cheaper, faster, better and ORGANIZED... this is what I call progress. This is a good thing... more cars is bad thing... imagine in 35 years the traffic... P.S. - use your car for emergency transports or out of the city.
4 The beggar on the corner.
He has his own corner to beg at, he's doing it daily... why would I help him... why would I encourage such a parasite? What happens if nobody gives him anything... how will him survive? Simple... he start earning money or he dies. If he earns money then I am correct - he should not beg... if he dies, I'm sure other people will know about it and I'm sure people will realize that if they don't do something they will die... and so... more people are doing something in staid of existing only as a parasite. If you ask me about some situations when there is nothing you can do and you need just a little help or touch of humanity - then yes, I agree, help him do something, help him by taking him to church where they serve hot soup for the broken souls.
* Story * (be warned of the boring topic)
One time in a train station in Bucharest there were perhaps 5 beggars in my near vicinity while I was waiting for my train. I didn't give them anything and they probably cursed me a bit in return. At a certain point, a young boy comes to me and say that he needs some more money for a ticket to go on the sea side. I gave him all the money I could spare - it was more then he asked (he actually tried to convince me to take the extra back). One of the beggars asked me, why you help him and you don't want to help me? I need money for food, he doesn't need it that much. I replayed: some day he will work for money, he will do something - you don't do anything, you are strong and you could work, if you ask me to give you money and in return you carry my suitcase I would have agreed. I don't need anyone to help me with my suitcase but I can help you if you are willing to help yourself. He didn't said anything more, he just returned in his spot. I realized he probably only wanted to know how much of a curse to put on me... more on the subject can only be expressed by the Romanian movie "Filantropica" (in a true and funny matter).
3. The new car acquisition
I'm sure you asked yourself - what BAD reason can be behind a better car... We all know the good reasons... I'd like to emphasis the less pollution factor from the new car. That's a big "good thing". But then again, you're not buying it because you care about Earth and the place where your crowded grandchildren will live - you care only about yourself... you care about your comfort, you care about your style, you care about anything else but altruism and need. You don't need a new car, you don't need it at all actually - if you don't know what else better you can do with your money then you might not have any needs actually. You're all good except driving an old car. Congratulations, you're the perfect example of a selfish normal human. Don't tell me you would donate the old car... you would not, you are also greedy... this is the society you live in, everybody is the same, why should you feel stupid being different.
No. 2
It is the same thing as above... you don't need a new phone, this one still works. It is free? Woohoo... out with the old, in with the new, let's waste some resources and energy, lets all be selfish and in style!
No.1
Kill the puny insect - it will give you a sting which can last up to 24 hours, you will feel uncomfortable, frustrated and terrorized if that happens. Hmm, here's an idea: call someone to get rid of that pesky hive of wasps which have no place in the trophic chain and then you can keep on with your life happy and untroubled and when you'll get 83 years old you can take you grand-grand children to the "zoo" and explain why the wasps in that jar are dangerous and how people killed them all in order to stay alive and overpopulate the Earth.
You know what people... you make me sick... I despise you... you're just a bunch of fucking animals fucking in the top of the food chain, you're nothing but a mindless pack of horny rabid monkeys taking joy from farting on the cockroaches crawling in you kitchen for a crumb of bread. You're the ugliest kind of cancer this planet has and cancer has only one cure and only one effect. The effect is to spread until it kills it host and the cure is eradication.
I grin when a fire destroys 200 houses, I smile when an earthquake kills 1000 in some place, I'm laughing when a tsunami washes away 10.000 bodies and I'm laughing hysterically when I hear millions of people die each year by starvation. It only means we get some more time... that's all... the cancer dies as well when its host it is killed.
But perhaps I have an unprecedented black humor which nobody understands and I surely must be schizophrenic. Only an insane man would say do such a thing... I should be locked away for being an endanger to society.
Funny - if cancer can be prevented I never heard of a cure that convinces cancer to stop what it is doing. I guess the only hope can come from God... oh wait... wasn't there something said about some apocalypse thing? I wonder what's that all about...
You have read all the way here? It is time you get a life and start to Live happy and prosperous! You'll die anyway because you're a selfish greedy individual of a prosperous society.
Thank you and fuck of.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Butterflies
Butterflies are sweet, nice and cheerful. Butterflies put a smile on a face. My face.
When you see one, you might smile. When you see a few, you certainly just smile and glare at the colors. But when you're surrounded by butterflies... all you can do is look around stunned, dizzy and delighted. I do. I still do. I am right now.
'was beginning to think I'll never see them again. That perhaps they don't exist anymore... all just died somewhere far away in time and space. But they do... I can see them. They flop their colorful wings all around and so they cover any other noise, color or shade.
So many butterflies and so sudden as well... they came out of nowhere and struck me down like Thor's hammer... so many inexplicable sensations, so much beauty... what can I do... how can I resist? How can I not start flopping my wings as well and nimble on the breeze?
I see butterflies, I dance with them, sing with them, fly with them - I have them on my paws, I have them on my nose, in my stomach, on my belly, in my heart... I have them all around and Ina is dwelling them with her magic.
Thousands of butterflies and only one flower.
When you see one, you might smile. When you see a few, you certainly just smile and glare at the colors. But when you're surrounded by butterflies... all you can do is look around stunned, dizzy and delighted. I do. I still do. I am right now.
'was beginning to think I'll never see them again. That perhaps they don't exist anymore... all just died somewhere far away in time and space. But they do... I can see them. They flop their colorful wings all around and so they cover any other noise, color or shade.
So many butterflies and so sudden as well... they came out of nowhere and struck me down like Thor's hammer... so many inexplicable sensations, so much beauty... what can I do... how can I resist? How can I not start flopping my wings as well and nimble on the breeze?
I see butterflies, I dance with them, sing with them, fly with them - I have them on my paws, I have them on my nose, in my stomach, on my belly, in my heart... I have them all around and Ina is dwelling them with her magic.
Thousands of butterflies and only one flower.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The beginning of the end
The time has come. Monday on the May. It is the beginning of the end. The sun is annoying. He doesn't care. It shines bright. Too bright. My sleeping eyes are revolted. It pisses me off. At least I have my sun-glasses. I look cool with them!
I'm doing the zombie walk. Slow and steady, walking not to fall. All the way there. Start my early shift. Damn alarm clock. It has one job and one alone - and it fails me miserably. Damn stupid clock! It pisses me off. I think he does it on purpose.
I needed coffee before work. Look at me, crawling like a zombie on deserted streets. At least I understand now. I can be compassionate of them. Stupid zombies. This is why I would survive a zombie apocalypse. I know them, I study them, I understand them, I think like them... Hmm... This truly doesn't sound right. Not even to me. Pisses me off.
Forest Gump. Stupid is who stupid does. I'm smart. I'll not do the zombie walk all my life. This thought alone cheers me up. Okay. I'm cheered now. I can do this. "I'm not pissed, I'm glad that it is morning and I go to work happy!" Bleah... who am I kidding. I'm not some retarded sophist. It pisses me off. I can't wait 'till the end of the day.
Pick up the passe. Not too far now, half way there. Hey, I feel better already. Elu was right - all I have to do is smile. Smile in the morning. Hmm... smile. I remember the cow. The cow was smiling. Big sexy cowish smile: "Need sex? Just smile!" You couldn't not smile back at the cow. It was too funny... and immediately awkward. I was smiling back at the cow. Yep! It is a trick... No sex of course!
Sex. Ah... that's something else. The thought alone... The touching and the passion and the effort and the love and the passion and the feeling and the passion and the passion... It lasted for hours... sweet and passionately sex. And it felt so good. even afterward. I can still grin that stupid smile even now. Sex. Such a long... It pisses me off. That was two years ago. I didn't had any since then. Except for september. Same year. We had an other attempt. Complete failure. I sucked! I was worthless. Perhaps the worse she ever had. It pisses me off.
Finally at work. Coffee! Shit... no coins! No coffee! Two hours later - finally got coins. Coffee! For real this time. I'm already cheered. I already started writing an e-mail to a guy. I don't know him. We just have the same kind of passion. I finished the e-mail at 13.30 - almost time to go home. The mail must have 4-5 full word pages. The guy will think I'm a freak - he'll never write me back. A well - at least I did some good in the world.
Ela contacts me. Asks me stuff. I reply politely. I'm honest and casual. She seems so as well. She pissed me off recently. Several occasions. She's not aware about it. I don't give a damn anymore... She want's us to meet. Hmm. Something is not right. I pretend to be dumb. She doesn't know I can pretend it. I think she thinks that this is how I am. No reason to go into that. Let's leave it there! I ask her to go to squash. She refuses. She pretends to be too tired for squash. But she still wants us to meet in the evening. Mhehe, I got you know birdy! I can also play the evil master plan get what I want to know without asking game thing that you know to do. I ask her to join me for a cigarette. She says no, just returned from lunch. I guess I'm not important enough. She's not even saying hello to me unless she has something to talk about. Two months without calling or IM me without me doing it first. Now she wants us to meet. Oh Ela... she's finally going to ask me. I wanted to be her initiative. I have still some residue of pride. It was her initiative from the beginning, she'll have to take it the ended.
It is the beginning of the end!
I think of that over a cigarette in the parking lot. Some guys distract me. I stop thinking about it.
Home. I'm hungry as hell. Eat up. I'll meet with Ela at 8pm. She wants to see me. I know the reason, but I want to see her also. I still miss her. Even though she pisses me off. She's too indifferent. It hurts. It really does. I know that now.
I still have time to sleep. I'm tired. Dead meet. I couldn't rest enough this days. I have enough time to shave also. One week of thick hair on my face. I can't scare her like that. At least not again. And not now.
Set up the clock. Go to sleep. No dream though. Pisses me off. I like dreams. I'm feeling rested afterward. Clock rings. It's Ela: "Hi, are you still comming?" Shit! It's past 8. "Sure - the clock didn't ring, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Damn stupid shit piece of crappy clock! You're lucky you're a gift from my father!
Pull some cloths on me. Clean ones. I look like shit. Sleepy, messed hair, not shaved. Well, I guess I have to scare her anyway. She'll love it :)
Start walking. Half way there. I see a bunch of roses in a garden. I stole one. I haven't done that for some time. Darn it's full of spins. I clean the tail with my fingers. Hurts like hell... darn pointy spins! At least she'll appreciate it. She wouldn't appreciate the spines, that's for sure. I'm here. I wait for her in front of her block. She's late. Again! She's always late... must be a woman thing.
We take off and get to some place. It's near by. I came here sometimes for lunch. It's nice and cozy. We talk. It feels good. She has whine, white - it means she has something serious to talk. I already know that. I have a grog. It surprises her. She doesn't know me anymore. Talk some more. Still good.
I take a moment. I look at her. She still talks. I don't listen. I just look. She's tired. She was saying the truth, not in shape for squash. Her eyes are inexpressive. No more light in them. At least not for me. A faint spark of contempt perhaps. She's also feeling good being here, speaking with me. Too faint though. A fade makeup on the eyes. Good choice. I like it natural better, but this is discreet enough.
Her hair looks good, nicely reddish-blond color. Just the way she likes it. It was good paint job. Not orange though. I like orange. Would suit her better.
Her chicks seem tired as well. Perhaps from the new wrinkles at the eyes. The mouth looks the same. The same as I last kissed it. Same nice smile. I always loved her smile. Her lough too: honest, cheerful and sexy. I was making her laugh just to see it. But those were different times. Now we're just talking.
Her hands are almost the same. A bit too wrinkled for her age. She worked hard as an adolescent. She still does.
Her voice is warm. She's secure, breezy and untrammeled. All of it feels good. It brings up a vortex of memories with every word. We speak about getting scared and the memories flash in my eyes in the places we've been and got scared, when we were watching a movie, when she screamed in the kitchen of some apartment and some others. We speak about vacations. She mentions Greece. Our honey moon starts playing in the back of my head. The bus, the arrival, the room, the beech, the songs, the cloths, the sex, the hikes, the ruins, the cities, the dives, the starfish, the ATV, the boat, the giant jellies, the water, the kisses, the dreams, the hopes and the love. They all race me at that table as never before in my life. It is still a fresh feeling. Now I can allow myself a few tears. I didn't at the table.
She has two topics, a serious one and a pleasant one. I know which is the serious but no clue about the last. She's better to get it out of her chest. I choose the serious one first. She was remembered that we're still married. It's time to end it. I knew that. I was waiting for her.
We can do it here, we don't need to do it in our own country. That's better. Faster. Less stress. We'll do it soon. She'll start the request.
The pleasant topic: a bought her last year a bottle of champagne. Custom golden engraving. Two glasses with our names. The glasses hug each other. It was my last attempt to make her change her mind, sometimes last fall. She was reticent of the gift. Since then is the moment when my heart froze. Still is. Now she has the idea of drinking it as some sort of celebration of us. It's a great idea! I like it - totally forgot about it. But I also remember the hopes I hadn't engraved on it. She wants it in november. Hmm... November. 10 years I guess. That will conclude it. A decade of ups and downs, plans and dreams, intimacy and sharing, tenderness and passion, stress and arguments, discoveries and surprises, loughs and scares, tears and pain, support and compassion... meetings and splits, thoughts and feelings... it was all there wasn't it. In almost a decade. But I guess it wasn't enough.
It hurts to play the movies of a decade. It still does. It will probably always will. A decade I can not erase nor can I just forget. Tonight I cry for one last time. The future is here and the present is too fast. The past however... it always remains here.
It is the beggining of the end.
Good by Ela.
I'm doing the zombie walk. Slow and steady, walking not to fall. All the way there. Start my early shift. Damn alarm clock. It has one job and one alone - and it fails me miserably. Damn stupid clock! It pisses me off. I think he does it on purpose.
I needed coffee before work. Look at me, crawling like a zombie on deserted streets. At least I understand now. I can be compassionate of them. Stupid zombies. This is why I would survive a zombie apocalypse. I know them, I study them, I understand them, I think like them... Hmm... This truly doesn't sound right. Not even to me. Pisses me off.
Forest Gump. Stupid is who stupid does. I'm smart. I'll not do the zombie walk all my life. This thought alone cheers me up. Okay. I'm cheered now. I can do this. "I'm not pissed, I'm glad that it is morning and I go to work happy!" Bleah... who am I kidding. I'm not some retarded sophist. It pisses me off. I can't wait 'till the end of the day.
Pick up the passe. Not too far now, half way there. Hey, I feel better already. Elu was right - all I have to do is smile. Smile in the morning. Hmm... smile. I remember the cow. The cow was smiling. Big sexy cowish smile: "Need sex? Just smile!" You couldn't not smile back at the cow. It was too funny... and immediately awkward. I was smiling back at the cow. Yep! It is a trick... No sex of course!
Sex. Ah... that's something else. The thought alone... The touching and the passion and the effort and the love and the passion and the feeling and the passion and the passion... It lasted for hours... sweet and passionately sex. And it felt so good. even afterward. I can still grin that stupid smile even now. Sex. Such a long... It pisses me off. That was two years ago. I didn't had any since then. Except for september. Same year. We had an other attempt. Complete failure. I sucked! I was worthless. Perhaps the worse she ever had. It pisses me off.
Finally at work. Coffee! Shit... no coins! No coffee! Two hours later - finally got coins. Coffee! For real this time. I'm already cheered. I already started writing an e-mail to a guy. I don't know him. We just have the same kind of passion. I finished the e-mail at 13.30 - almost time to go home. The mail must have 4-5 full word pages. The guy will think I'm a freak - he'll never write me back. A well - at least I did some good in the world.
Ela contacts me. Asks me stuff. I reply politely. I'm honest and casual. She seems so as well. She pissed me off recently. Several occasions. She's not aware about it. I don't give a damn anymore... She want's us to meet. Hmm. Something is not right. I pretend to be dumb. She doesn't know I can pretend it. I think she thinks that this is how I am. No reason to go into that. Let's leave it there! I ask her to go to squash. She refuses. She pretends to be too tired for squash. But she still wants us to meet in the evening. Mhehe, I got you know birdy! I can also play the evil master plan get what I want to know without asking game thing that you know to do. I ask her to join me for a cigarette. She says no, just returned from lunch. I guess I'm not important enough. She's not even saying hello to me unless she has something to talk about. Two months without calling or IM me without me doing it first. Now she wants us to meet. Oh Ela... she's finally going to ask me. I wanted to be her initiative. I have still some residue of pride. It was her initiative from the beginning, she'll have to take it the ended.
It is the beginning of the end!
I think of that over a cigarette in the parking lot. Some guys distract me. I stop thinking about it.
Home. I'm hungry as hell. Eat up. I'll meet with Ela at 8pm. She wants to see me. I know the reason, but I want to see her also. I still miss her. Even though she pisses me off. She's too indifferent. It hurts. It really does. I know that now.
I still have time to sleep. I'm tired. Dead meet. I couldn't rest enough this days. I have enough time to shave also. One week of thick hair on my face. I can't scare her like that. At least not again. And not now.
Set up the clock. Go to sleep. No dream though. Pisses me off. I like dreams. I'm feeling rested afterward. Clock rings. It's Ela: "Hi, are you still comming?" Shit! It's past 8. "Sure - the clock didn't ring, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Damn stupid shit piece of crappy clock! You're lucky you're a gift from my father!
Pull some cloths on me. Clean ones. I look like shit. Sleepy, messed hair, not shaved. Well, I guess I have to scare her anyway. She'll love it :)
Start walking. Half way there. I see a bunch of roses in a garden. I stole one. I haven't done that for some time. Darn it's full of spins. I clean the tail with my fingers. Hurts like hell... darn pointy spins! At least she'll appreciate it. She wouldn't appreciate the spines, that's for sure. I'm here. I wait for her in front of her block. She's late. Again! She's always late... must be a woman thing.
We take off and get to some place. It's near by. I came here sometimes for lunch. It's nice and cozy. We talk. It feels good. She has whine, white - it means she has something serious to talk. I already know that. I have a grog. It surprises her. She doesn't know me anymore. Talk some more. Still good.
I take a moment. I look at her. She still talks. I don't listen. I just look. She's tired. She was saying the truth, not in shape for squash. Her eyes are inexpressive. No more light in them. At least not for me. A faint spark of contempt perhaps. She's also feeling good being here, speaking with me. Too faint though. A fade makeup on the eyes. Good choice. I like it natural better, but this is discreet enough.
Her hair looks good, nicely reddish-blond color. Just the way she likes it. It was good paint job. Not orange though. I like orange. Would suit her better.
Her chicks seem tired as well. Perhaps from the new wrinkles at the eyes. The mouth looks the same. The same as I last kissed it. Same nice smile. I always loved her smile. Her lough too: honest, cheerful and sexy. I was making her laugh just to see it. But those were different times. Now we're just talking.
Her hands are almost the same. A bit too wrinkled for her age. She worked hard as an adolescent. She still does.
Her voice is warm. She's secure, breezy and untrammeled. All of it feels good. It brings up a vortex of memories with every word. We speak about getting scared and the memories flash in my eyes in the places we've been and got scared, when we were watching a movie, when she screamed in the kitchen of some apartment and some others. We speak about vacations. She mentions Greece. Our honey moon starts playing in the back of my head. The bus, the arrival, the room, the beech, the songs, the cloths, the sex, the hikes, the ruins, the cities, the dives, the starfish, the ATV, the boat, the giant jellies, the water, the kisses, the dreams, the hopes and the love. They all race me at that table as never before in my life. It is still a fresh feeling. Now I can allow myself a few tears. I didn't at the table.
She has two topics, a serious one and a pleasant one. I know which is the serious but no clue about the last. She's better to get it out of her chest. I choose the serious one first. She was remembered that we're still married. It's time to end it. I knew that. I was waiting for her.
We can do it here, we don't need to do it in our own country. That's better. Faster. Less stress. We'll do it soon. She'll start the request.
The pleasant topic: a bought her last year a bottle of champagne. Custom golden engraving. Two glasses with our names. The glasses hug each other. It was my last attempt to make her change her mind, sometimes last fall. She was reticent of the gift. Since then is the moment when my heart froze. Still is. Now she has the idea of drinking it as some sort of celebration of us. It's a great idea! I like it - totally forgot about it. But I also remember the hopes I hadn't engraved on it. She wants it in november. Hmm... November. 10 years I guess. That will conclude it. A decade of ups and downs, plans and dreams, intimacy and sharing, tenderness and passion, stress and arguments, discoveries and surprises, loughs and scares, tears and pain, support and compassion... meetings and splits, thoughts and feelings... it was all there wasn't it. In almost a decade. But I guess it wasn't enough.
It hurts to play the movies of a decade. It still does. It will probably always will. A decade I can not erase nor can I just forget. Tonight I cry for one last time. The future is here and the present is too fast. The past however... it always remains here.
It is the beggining of the end.
Good by Ela.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Good morning
Sound: I'm awake. I don't want to, it's Saturday. But I work today, Late shift. I must not be late. I open smoothly one eye, not too much. It's light, but not too much. Must be pretty early.
Sound: it's the computer. I left it running. I went to sleep watching a movie. I don't remember the name, I've seen only 5 minutes. I must not be late, what's the time? It's 8am something. Bleah, too early, I can go back to sleep.
Dreaming. Some sport gym. Has a big room for gymnastic. The trainer is my old ninjitsu trainer. I wonder if he still cares about the 3 months I didn't pay. Doesn't matter now, it's a dream and that was 10 years ago... he seems preoccupied with the class. We are many people, perhaps 30, men and women alike.
Time to go to showers. I meet Lya. I like her. We speak. No clue what about. She always speaks stuff. Stupid problems of her. I always listen. I like her.
I meet some guy. Never seen him before. We speak. He's a nice guy. We both enjoy the conversation. We become buddies. Lya also sees him. She recognize him. He's the king of England. Why is he in my dream talking to me? Never mind. He is not dressed like a king, he seems normal. Lya now speaks with the king. She's saying that she always wanted to be with a king. I'm going for that shower. No point listening to their conversation. I like her.
I'm going for that shower. I meet my future ex wife, Ela. We say hi. Change a few words. We are good friends. We are both feeling awkward. We are like that, ever since we split up, last year. We feal like talking, but there's nothing to talk about. There is some guy with her. I don't know him. He doesn't seem like an acquaintance. There must be something to it. I don't like it. They both seem to act peculiar. Pisses me off. Lya is talking even deeply with the king. He seems amused. Pisses me off even more. I'm going for the shower.
Finally finished. Don't remember taking it but surely I just did. Ela just left with the guy. I see them going. No sign of Lya. Pisses me off.
I get dressed and stuff, going to the gym. It's a big bar there. Open space bar. The hole gym is some sort of bar. Before entering the bar there is a corridor. Nice lights, slow music, and some places for 2 people. They have some sort of movable cover. The ninjitsu trainer is speaking to a couple in one of the things. He speaks loud. Walking past him. He was looking at me while talking to the couple. He still remembers about the money. I can see it in his eyes. I was in high school back then. I'm not giving him the money now.
On the left I see Ela. She's with the guy. In one of the spots for couples. Pisses me off. He has his hand on her leg. It pisses me off. It's way above the knee. Pisses me off. They speak very detached, smiling, with the hand above the knee. She's not like that unless she really means it. God damn it, it really pisses me off. Ela looks at me while I pass by but keeps on smiling and talking with the guy. I keep my cool and pass them.
On the right I see Lya with the king. She's still talking. The king has a forced smile. He's only looking at her breasts. I can resist that. I only do it when she's not looking at me. When she is looking at me, my eyes are fixed on hers. And I listen! But the king is not. The king sees me. He stops smiling. Onl for a second. He smiles again and looks in Lya's eyes and listening. He must know that there is something between me and Lya. He didn't stop smiling when seeing me for no reason. Or perhaps I look too pissed. And I am. I can still see that guy's hand with the back of my head. And she's still smiling, I can feel it! I pass Lya and the king aswell. I'm going for a drink at the bar. Hopefully a strong one. I like her, but she pisses me off also. Damn, I haven't been so pissed in years. Not since 10-th grade when 5 guys were always bulling me around. They were the reason why I went to ninjitsu for 3 months. But I'm still not paying. Even if the sensei is still in my dream.
I take my drink. It's some sort of cocktail. I hope it's a margarita. Never had one. I usually drink whiskey. But I'm not awake now. A margarita is just fine. I hope it is brown in reality. This margarita is certainly brown. And the gym-bar-space is yellow. Except for the walls. They are white. But white is normal for a dream. I turn around. I can see both pairs in the corridor thing on their private couple seats. Damn this pisses me off. Lucky for me I had 3 months of ninjitsu training. I know how to stabilize my heart beat and keep my cool. And that's a good thing, because the guy wraps the couple seats with the thing and I can't see what they are doing. They want to have sex. She never had sex with me if people knew we can do it. It pisses me off. At least I can watch what Lya is doing with the king. I take an other zip from the glass. I hope is margarita. Though I could use a whiskey. A full bottle would suit me well.
Lya is looking at Ela's place. She must be hearing something. Probably sex noise. The king is also looking in that direction. Now they are laughing about it. I didn't hear anything. It pisses me off. Must have been the guy having orgasm. Heh... I can do better then him. He was too quick. Lya and the king look again there, round 2 must have started. They look at each other and they also cover their place. God damn it, they will also have sex. God damn it! both my future ex wife and my future girlfriend have sex on the same place, at the same time, in my dream, in my head, on my bed, in my room, in my half of the rent house... and I'm left on the outside!!! Without getting laid for more then an year and a half... That really has to piss anyone off, even if they are dreaming...
I need to get out of here. Need to do something else. I'm not paying the margarita but I leave a tip. I get out. Going randomly on the streets, thinking about the "nothing box", I arrive at the river. Must be Vtava. I like walking near the river, the alley is nice. There are benches along the way. Romantically placed under whipping willow trees. Perfect for a couple or for brainwashing. As I walk I see the king on a bench. I jump near him. He sees me, get's his mobile out and he says he's calling the police. Why? I ask. He doesn't want me doing anymore pimping. So he was thinking I'm a pimp. I introduced Lya to him, he saw me talking with Ela and that guy as well. The poor bastard was right to think of it. In the end... both of them were having sex in that strange corridor-private-bar thing and I was there watching things closely. I can't be mad at him for thinking it. I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He's still threatens me with calling the private king police force if I want to blackmail him or something. I better walk away. I don't want to mess around with the king's police. Especially since I'm in England and I don't know anybody around the Vtava river which is in Prague, just 30 minutes away walk from the gym-bar thing in Romania where the ninjitsu teacher is holding the class Lya and Ela are taking from Brno...
em...
Those distances don't add up. I better wake up before it gets too awkward and piss me off even more.
Open both eyes. Wide. The light is still dim. Not that early anymore but still 40 minutes before the phone's first alarm. It's okay. There are 4 alarms at 30 minutes each. It looks I won't be late for the Late shift today.
Ela really pissed me off. We are not divorced yet. She doesn't have the right to feel that good. At least I still have a chance with Lya...
I see myself in the mirror. I look pissed. I better smile, Elu toled me to smile in the morning. I smile. I better see a dentist soon. But Elu was right, I like smiling.
Good morning, next thing coffee :D
Sound: it's the computer. I left it running. I went to sleep watching a movie. I don't remember the name, I've seen only 5 minutes. I must not be late, what's the time? It's 8am something. Bleah, too early, I can go back to sleep.
Dreaming. Some sport gym. Has a big room for gymnastic. The trainer is my old ninjitsu trainer. I wonder if he still cares about the 3 months I didn't pay. Doesn't matter now, it's a dream and that was 10 years ago... he seems preoccupied with the class. We are many people, perhaps 30, men and women alike.
Time to go to showers. I meet Lya. I like her. We speak. No clue what about. She always speaks stuff. Stupid problems of her. I always listen. I like her.
I meet some guy. Never seen him before. We speak. He's a nice guy. We both enjoy the conversation. We become buddies. Lya also sees him. She recognize him. He's the king of England. Why is he in my dream talking to me? Never mind. He is not dressed like a king, he seems normal. Lya now speaks with the king. She's saying that she always wanted to be with a king. I'm going for that shower. No point listening to their conversation. I like her.
I'm going for that shower. I meet my future ex wife, Ela. We say hi. Change a few words. We are good friends. We are both feeling awkward. We are like that, ever since we split up, last year. We feal like talking, but there's nothing to talk about. There is some guy with her. I don't know him. He doesn't seem like an acquaintance. There must be something to it. I don't like it. They both seem to act peculiar. Pisses me off. Lya is talking even deeply with the king. He seems amused. Pisses me off even more. I'm going for the shower.
Finally finished. Don't remember taking it but surely I just did. Ela just left with the guy. I see them going. No sign of Lya. Pisses me off.
I get dressed and stuff, going to the gym. It's a big bar there. Open space bar. The hole gym is some sort of bar. Before entering the bar there is a corridor. Nice lights, slow music, and some places for 2 people. They have some sort of movable cover. The ninjitsu trainer is speaking to a couple in one of the things. He speaks loud. Walking past him. He was looking at me while talking to the couple. He still remembers about the money. I can see it in his eyes. I was in high school back then. I'm not giving him the money now.
On the left I see Ela. She's with the guy. In one of the spots for couples. Pisses me off. He has his hand on her leg. It pisses me off. It's way above the knee. Pisses me off. They speak very detached, smiling, with the hand above the knee. She's not like that unless she really means it. God damn it, it really pisses me off. Ela looks at me while I pass by but keeps on smiling and talking with the guy. I keep my cool and pass them.
On the right I see Lya with the king. She's still talking. The king has a forced smile. He's only looking at her breasts. I can resist that. I only do it when she's not looking at me. When she is looking at me, my eyes are fixed on hers. And I listen! But the king is not. The king sees me. He stops smiling. Onl for a second. He smiles again and looks in Lya's eyes and listening. He must know that there is something between me and Lya. He didn't stop smiling when seeing me for no reason. Or perhaps I look too pissed. And I am. I can still see that guy's hand with the back of my head. And she's still smiling, I can feel it! I pass Lya and the king aswell. I'm going for a drink at the bar. Hopefully a strong one. I like her, but she pisses me off also. Damn, I haven't been so pissed in years. Not since 10-th grade when 5 guys were always bulling me around. They were the reason why I went to ninjitsu for 3 months. But I'm still not paying. Even if the sensei is still in my dream.
I take my drink. It's some sort of cocktail. I hope it's a margarita. Never had one. I usually drink whiskey. But I'm not awake now. A margarita is just fine. I hope it is brown in reality. This margarita is certainly brown. And the gym-bar-space is yellow. Except for the walls. They are white. But white is normal for a dream. I turn around. I can see both pairs in the corridor thing on their private couple seats. Damn this pisses me off. Lucky for me I had 3 months of ninjitsu training. I know how to stabilize my heart beat and keep my cool. And that's a good thing, because the guy wraps the couple seats with the thing and I can't see what they are doing. They want to have sex. She never had sex with me if people knew we can do it. It pisses me off. At least I can watch what Lya is doing with the king. I take an other zip from the glass. I hope is margarita. Though I could use a whiskey. A full bottle would suit me well.
Lya is looking at Ela's place. She must be hearing something. Probably sex noise. The king is also looking in that direction. Now they are laughing about it. I didn't hear anything. It pisses me off. Must have been the guy having orgasm. Heh... I can do better then him. He was too quick. Lya and the king look again there, round 2 must have started. They look at each other and they also cover their place. God damn it, they will also have sex. God damn it! both my future ex wife and my future girlfriend have sex on the same place, at the same time, in my dream, in my head, on my bed, in my room, in my half of the rent house... and I'm left on the outside!!! Without getting laid for more then an year and a half... That really has to piss anyone off, even if they are dreaming...
I need to get out of here. Need to do something else. I'm not paying the margarita but I leave a tip. I get out. Going randomly on the streets, thinking about the "nothing box", I arrive at the river. Must be Vtava. I like walking near the river, the alley is nice. There are benches along the way. Romantically placed under whipping willow trees. Perfect for a couple or for brainwashing. As I walk I see the king on a bench. I jump near him. He sees me, get's his mobile out and he says he's calling the police. Why? I ask. He doesn't want me doing anymore pimping. So he was thinking I'm a pimp. I introduced Lya to him, he saw me talking with Ela and that guy as well. The poor bastard was right to think of it. In the end... both of them were having sex in that strange corridor-private-bar thing and I was there watching things closely. I can't be mad at him for thinking it. I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He's still threatens me with calling the private king police force if I want to blackmail him or something. I better walk away. I don't want to mess around with the king's police. Especially since I'm in England and I don't know anybody around the Vtava river which is in Prague, just 30 minutes away walk from the gym-bar thing in Romania where the ninjitsu teacher is holding the class Lya and Ela are taking from Brno...
em...
Those distances don't add up. I better wake up before it gets too awkward and piss me off even more.
Open both eyes. Wide. The light is still dim. Not that early anymore but still 40 minutes before the phone's first alarm. It's okay. There are 4 alarms at 30 minutes each. It looks I won't be late for the Late shift today.
Ela really pissed me off. We are not divorced yet. She doesn't have the right to feel that good. At least I still have a chance with Lya...
I see myself in the mirror. I look pissed. I better smile, Elu toled me to smile in the morning. I smile. I better see a dentist soon. But Elu was right, I like smiling.
Good morning, next thing coffee :D
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Looking at the stars
A clear black sky with brightest stars in such a long time reveals this night. Reiko can only look at their beauty. Silent in the spring's breeze, his eyes fixed on the abstract of the far away lights of the sky, his lips sketching a thin smile, he's thoughts roaming free bumping into on the cliffs of abyss...
If life wouldn't have it's downfalls how could I appreciate its glimpses of happiness?
I'm sure that someone else also realized it before me. It is only logical... we can not appreciate the good things unless we had encountered the bad things. Philosophers said that you can not know the light unless you encountered darkness; and so I can not appreciate the white unless you've also seen the black. The gray is just the path from one to the other. Gray is a gradient and unlike black or white it has many stages of composition between white and black. Black and white, however, are unique - there are only two.
If life can be reduce to black and white then happiness, content, satisfaction, peace and so on can be white, and in antithesis sorrow, discontent, dissatisfaction and struggle should be black - all to their purest form...
And so, Reiko thought, could we enjoy only white or only black, metaphorically speaking? Could I only see things in white without missing the black so much not to be tempted to slide a bit into the gray scale (again)?
Getting a cigarette out, Reiko continued in his flow of thoughts: it is in our nature to always seek and desire everything - we seek to have both white and black and thus we are doomed to always live a gray life. Everything is a combination of positive and negative in our life. I think everybody is searching for the perfect combination of gray for him. Some like 50-50, some like 30-70 and some are seeking 100-0; and i feel sorry for those last bastards... they desire a theoretical mirage which they are not able by nature to achieve.
And so, I see now, if life would not have its downfalls I wouldn't be able to appreciate its rises. I couldn't appreciate happiness unless encountered sorrow, i couldn't appreciate the rain without knowing the dryness and vice-verse, dryness wouldn't be spectacular without too much rain.
A balance - in search for the balance which would satisfy my hunger... And when that perfect balance is reached I can find peace. But perfect peace is monotone... is too much white for me and everyone else, I can endure it for so long. And then I seek a bit of black... I bit of motion and action, a bit of thrilling happiness. And so the balance moves again taking me like a whirlpool to the other side of it. It hits me like a tornado and spins me out of my balance and throws me... somewhere. I need to get up. I need to start moving again... to find the balance.
Squishing the cigarette end into the ashtray Reiko takes a deep breath of air: I like spring, spring it's nice. I love it as equal to autumn, summer or winter. I love them all, without winter i can not enjoy the summer. Without summer i couldn't enjoy winter.
Without happiness i could never enjoy the tears of sorrow and depression. And i love the sorrow for it is surely the path straight to my pursue of happiness - the goal of my programming, my mind's basic rule for ensuring my continuity.
If heaven exists and it's the place of absolute happiness and content... then heaven is the place with no emotions, a place where everybody or everything has no desires thus no goal to thrive or pursue and the hole existence must be reduce to a cold place... There everything must be motionless, desireless, emotionless... Heaven is surely not the place where I'd like to end up for the rest of eternity. This kind of place or plane or dimension or whatever... can not exist for sure unless it is the cold void of nothing.
I love being alive, I'm happy that I exist and I certainly love emotions... they keep me going and they feed my hunger for life.
If life sucks, then life can be beautiful once more - and this thought alone is enough for me to...
Looking up again to the constellations Reiko allowed himself to smile. The stars are beautiful, I should look up to them more often.
... Reiko turned his back to the stars, smiling and thrilling to find what he was looking for so long. "Must be out there, whatever it is..."
If life wouldn't have it's downfalls how could I appreciate its glimpses of happiness?
I'm sure that someone else also realized it before me. It is only logical... we can not appreciate the good things unless we had encountered the bad things. Philosophers said that you can not know the light unless you encountered darkness; and so I can not appreciate the white unless you've also seen the black. The gray is just the path from one to the other. Gray is a gradient and unlike black or white it has many stages of composition between white and black. Black and white, however, are unique - there are only two.
If life can be reduce to black and white then happiness, content, satisfaction, peace and so on can be white, and in antithesis sorrow, discontent, dissatisfaction and struggle should be black - all to their purest form...
And so, Reiko thought, could we enjoy only white or only black, metaphorically speaking? Could I only see things in white without missing the black so much not to be tempted to slide a bit into the gray scale (again)?
Getting a cigarette out, Reiko continued in his flow of thoughts: it is in our nature to always seek and desire everything - we seek to have both white and black and thus we are doomed to always live a gray life. Everything is a combination of positive and negative in our life. I think everybody is searching for the perfect combination of gray for him. Some like 50-50, some like 30-70 and some are seeking 100-0; and i feel sorry for those last bastards... they desire a theoretical mirage which they are not able by nature to achieve.
And so, I see now, if life would not have its downfalls I wouldn't be able to appreciate its rises. I couldn't appreciate happiness unless encountered sorrow, i couldn't appreciate the rain without knowing the dryness and vice-verse, dryness wouldn't be spectacular without too much rain.
A balance - in search for the balance which would satisfy my hunger... And when that perfect balance is reached I can find peace. But perfect peace is monotone... is too much white for me and everyone else, I can endure it for so long. And then I seek a bit of black... I bit of motion and action, a bit of thrilling happiness. And so the balance moves again taking me like a whirlpool to the other side of it. It hits me like a tornado and spins me out of my balance and throws me... somewhere. I need to get up. I need to start moving again... to find the balance.
Squishing the cigarette end into the ashtray Reiko takes a deep breath of air: I like spring, spring it's nice. I love it as equal to autumn, summer or winter. I love them all, without winter i can not enjoy the summer. Without summer i couldn't enjoy winter.
Without happiness i could never enjoy the tears of sorrow and depression. And i love the sorrow for it is surely the path straight to my pursue of happiness - the goal of my programming, my mind's basic rule for ensuring my continuity.
If heaven exists and it's the place of absolute happiness and content... then heaven is the place with no emotions, a place where everybody or everything has no desires thus no goal to thrive or pursue and the hole existence must be reduce to a cold place... There everything must be motionless, desireless, emotionless... Heaven is surely not the place where I'd like to end up for the rest of eternity. This kind of place or plane or dimension or whatever... can not exist for sure unless it is the cold void of nothing.
I love being alive, I'm happy that I exist and I certainly love emotions... they keep me going and they feed my hunger for life.
If life sucks, then life can be beautiful once more - and this thought alone is enough for me to...
Looking up again to the constellations Reiko allowed himself to smile. The stars are beautiful, I should look up to them more often.
... Reiko turned his back to the stars, smiling and thrilling to find what he was looking for so long. "Must be out there, whatever it is..."
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