The time has come. Monday on the May. It is the beginning of the end. The sun is annoying. He doesn't care. It shines bright. Too bright. My sleeping eyes are revolted. It pisses me off. At least I have my sun-glasses. I look cool with them!
I'm doing the zombie walk. Slow and steady, walking not to fall. All the way there. Start my early shift. Damn alarm clock. It has one job and one alone - and it fails me miserably. Damn stupid clock! It pisses me off. I think he does it on purpose.
I needed coffee before work. Look at me, crawling like a zombie on deserted streets. At least I understand now. I can be compassionate of them. Stupid zombies. This is why I would survive a zombie apocalypse. I know them, I study them, I understand them, I think like them... Hmm... This truly doesn't sound right. Not even to me. Pisses me off.
Forest Gump. Stupid is who stupid does. I'm smart. I'll not do the zombie walk all my life. This thought alone cheers me up. Okay. I'm cheered now. I can do this. "I'm not pissed, I'm glad that it is morning and I go to work happy!" Bleah... who am I kidding. I'm not some retarded sophist. It pisses me off. I can't wait 'till the end of the day.
Pick up the passe. Not too far now, half way there. Hey, I feel better already. Elu was right - all I have to do is smile. Smile in the morning. Hmm... smile. I remember the cow. The cow was smiling. Big sexy cowish smile: "Need sex? Just smile!" You couldn't not smile back at the cow. It was too funny... and immediately awkward. I was smiling back at the cow. Yep! It is a trick... No sex of course!
Sex. Ah... that's something else. The thought alone... The touching and the passion and the effort and the love and the passion and the feeling and the passion and the passion... It lasted for hours... sweet and passionately sex. And it felt so good. even afterward. I can still grin that stupid smile even now. Sex. Such a long... It pisses me off. That was two years ago. I didn't had any since then. Except for september. Same year. We had an other attempt. Complete failure. I sucked! I was worthless. Perhaps the worse she ever had. It pisses me off.
Finally at work. Coffee! Shit... no coins! No coffee! Two hours later - finally got coins. Coffee! For real this time. I'm already cheered. I already started writing an e-mail to a guy. I don't know him. We just have the same kind of passion. I finished the e-mail at 13.30 - almost time to go home. The mail must have 4-5 full word pages. The guy will think I'm a freak - he'll never write me back. A well - at least I did some good in the world.
Ela contacts me. Asks me stuff. I reply politely. I'm honest and casual. She seems so as well. She pissed me off recently. Several occasions. She's not aware about it. I don't give a damn anymore... She want's us to meet. Hmm. Something is not right. I pretend to be dumb. She doesn't know I can pretend it. I think she thinks that this is how I am. No reason to go into that. Let's leave it there! I ask her to go to squash. She refuses. She pretends to be too tired for squash. But she still wants us to meet in the evening. Mhehe, I got you know birdy! I can also play the evil master plan get what I want to know without asking game thing that you know to do. I ask her to join me for a cigarette. She says no, just returned from lunch. I guess I'm not important enough. She's not even saying hello to me unless she has something to talk about. Two months without calling or IM me without me doing it first. Now she wants us to meet. Oh Ela... she's finally going to ask me. I wanted to be her initiative. I have still some residue of pride. It was her initiative from the beginning, she'll have to take it the ended.
It is the beginning of the end!
I think of that over a cigarette in the parking lot. Some guys distract me. I stop thinking about it.
Home. I'm hungry as hell. Eat up. I'll meet with Ela at 8pm. She wants to see me. I know the reason, but I want to see her also. I still miss her. Even though she pisses me off. She's too indifferent. It hurts. It really does. I know that now.
I still have time to sleep. I'm tired. Dead meet. I couldn't rest enough this days. I have enough time to shave also. One week of thick hair on my face. I can't scare her like that. At least not again. And not now.
Set up the clock. Go to sleep. No dream though. Pisses me off. I like dreams. I'm feeling rested afterward. Clock rings. It's Ela: "Hi, are you still comming?" Shit! It's past 8. "Sure - the clock didn't ring, I'll be there in 15 minutes." Damn stupid shit piece of crappy clock! You're lucky you're a gift from my father!
Pull some cloths on me. Clean ones. I look like shit. Sleepy, messed hair, not shaved. Well, I guess I have to scare her anyway. She'll love it :)
Start walking. Half way there. I see a bunch of roses in a garden. I stole one. I haven't done that for some time. Darn it's full of spins. I clean the tail with my fingers. Hurts like hell... darn pointy spins! At least she'll appreciate it. She wouldn't appreciate the spines, that's for sure. I'm here. I wait for her in front of her block. She's late. Again! She's always late... must be a woman thing.
We take off and get to some place. It's near by. I came here sometimes for lunch. It's nice and cozy. We talk. It feels good. She has whine, white - it means she has something serious to talk. I already know that. I have a grog. It surprises her. She doesn't know me anymore. Talk some more. Still good.
I take a moment. I look at her. She still talks. I don't listen. I just look. She's tired. She was saying the truth, not in shape for squash. Her eyes are inexpressive. No more light in them. At least not for me. A faint spark of contempt perhaps. She's also feeling good being here, speaking with me. Too faint though. A fade makeup on the eyes. Good choice. I like it natural better, but this is discreet enough.
Her hair looks good, nicely reddish-blond color. Just the way she likes it. It was good paint job. Not orange though. I like orange. Would suit her better.
Her chicks seem tired as well. Perhaps from the new wrinkles at the eyes. The mouth looks the same. The same as I last kissed it. Same nice smile. I always loved her smile. Her lough too: honest, cheerful and sexy. I was making her laugh just to see it. But those were different times. Now we're just talking.
Her hands are almost the same. A bit too wrinkled for her age. She worked hard as an adolescent. She still does.
Her voice is warm. She's secure, breezy and untrammeled. All of it feels good. It brings up a vortex of memories with every word. We speak about getting scared and the memories flash in my eyes in the places we've been and got scared, when we were watching a movie, when she screamed in the kitchen of some apartment and some others. We speak about vacations. She mentions Greece. Our honey moon starts playing in the back of my head. The bus, the arrival, the room, the beech, the songs, the cloths, the sex, the hikes, the ruins, the cities, the dives, the starfish, the ATV, the boat, the giant jellies, the water, the kisses, the dreams, the hopes and the love. They all race me at that table as never before in my life. It is still a fresh feeling. Now I can allow myself a few tears. I didn't at the table.
She has two topics, a serious one and a pleasant one. I know which is the serious but no clue about the last. She's better to get it out of her chest. I choose the serious one first. She was remembered that we're still married. It's time to end it. I knew that. I was waiting for her.
We can do it here, we don't need to do it in our own country. That's better. Faster. Less stress. We'll do it soon. She'll start the request.
The pleasant topic: a bought her last year a bottle of champagne. Custom golden engraving. Two glasses with our names. The glasses hug each other. It was my last attempt to make her change her mind, sometimes last fall. She was reticent of the gift. Since then is the moment when my heart froze. Still is. Now she has the idea of drinking it as some sort of celebration of us. It's a great idea! I like it - totally forgot about it. But I also remember the hopes I hadn't engraved on it. She wants it in november. Hmm... November. 10 years I guess. That will conclude it. A decade of ups and downs, plans and dreams, intimacy and sharing, tenderness and passion, stress and arguments, discoveries and surprises, loughs and scares, tears and pain, support and compassion... meetings and splits, thoughts and feelings... it was all there wasn't it. In almost a decade. But I guess it wasn't enough.
It hurts to play the movies of a decade. It still does. It will probably always will. A decade I can not erase nor can I just forget. Tonight I cry for one last time. The future is here and the present is too fast. The past however... it always remains here.
It is the beggining of the end.
Good by Ela.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Good morning
Sound: I'm awake. I don't want to, it's Saturday. But I work today, Late shift. I must not be late. I open smoothly one eye, not too much. It's light, but not too much. Must be pretty early.
Sound: it's the computer. I left it running. I went to sleep watching a movie. I don't remember the name, I've seen only 5 minutes. I must not be late, what's the time? It's 8am something. Bleah, too early, I can go back to sleep.
Dreaming. Some sport gym. Has a big room for gymnastic. The trainer is my old ninjitsu trainer. I wonder if he still cares about the 3 months I didn't pay. Doesn't matter now, it's a dream and that was 10 years ago... he seems preoccupied with the class. We are many people, perhaps 30, men and women alike.
Time to go to showers. I meet Lya. I like her. We speak. No clue what about. She always speaks stuff. Stupid problems of her. I always listen. I like her.
I meet some guy. Never seen him before. We speak. He's a nice guy. We both enjoy the conversation. We become buddies. Lya also sees him. She recognize him. He's the king of England. Why is he in my dream talking to me? Never mind. He is not dressed like a king, he seems normal. Lya now speaks with the king. She's saying that she always wanted to be with a king. I'm going for that shower. No point listening to their conversation. I like her.
I'm going for that shower. I meet my future ex wife, Ela. We say hi. Change a few words. We are good friends. We are both feeling awkward. We are like that, ever since we split up, last year. We feal like talking, but there's nothing to talk about. There is some guy with her. I don't know him. He doesn't seem like an acquaintance. There must be something to it. I don't like it. They both seem to act peculiar. Pisses me off. Lya is talking even deeply with the king. He seems amused. Pisses me off even more. I'm going for the shower.
Finally finished. Don't remember taking it but surely I just did. Ela just left with the guy. I see them going. No sign of Lya. Pisses me off.
I get dressed and stuff, going to the gym. It's a big bar there. Open space bar. The hole gym is some sort of bar. Before entering the bar there is a corridor. Nice lights, slow music, and some places for 2 people. They have some sort of movable cover. The ninjitsu trainer is speaking to a couple in one of the things. He speaks loud. Walking past him. He was looking at me while talking to the couple. He still remembers about the money. I can see it in his eyes. I was in high school back then. I'm not giving him the money now.
On the left I see Ela. She's with the guy. In one of the spots for couples. Pisses me off. He has his hand on her leg. It pisses me off. It's way above the knee. Pisses me off. They speak very detached, smiling, with the hand above the knee. She's not like that unless she really means it. God damn it, it really pisses me off. Ela looks at me while I pass by but keeps on smiling and talking with the guy. I keep my cool and pass them.
On the right I see Lya with the king. She's still talking. The king has a forced smile. He's only looking at her breasts. I can resist that. I only do it when she's not looking at me. When she is looking at me, my eyes are fixed on hers. And I listen! But the king is not. The king sees me. He stops smiling. Onl for a second. He smiles again and looks in Lya's eyes and listening. He must know that there is something between me and Lya. He didn't stop smiling when seeing me for no reason. Or perhaps I look too pissed. And I am. I can still see that guy's hand with the back of my head. And she's still smiling, I can feel it! I pass Lya and the king aswell. I'm going for a drink at the bar. Hopefully a strong one. I like her, but she pisses me off also. Damn, I haven't been so pissed in years. Not since 10-th grade when 5 guys were always bulling me around. They were the reason why I went to ninjitsu for 3 months. But I'm still not paying. Even if the sensei is still in my dream.
I take my drink. It's some sort of cocktail. I hope it's a margarita. Never had one. I usually drink whiskey. But I'm not awake now. A margarita is just fine. I hope it is brown in reality. This margarita is certainly brown. And the gym-bar-space is yellow. Except for the walls. They are white. But white is normal for a dream. I turn around. I can see both pairs in the corridor thing on their private couple seats. Damn this pisses me off. Lucky for me I had 3 months of ninjitsu training. I know how to stabilize my heart beat and keep my cool. And that's a good thing, because the guy wraps the couple seats with the thing and I can't see what they are doing. They want to have sex. She never had sex with me if people knew we can do it. It pisses me off. At least I can watch what Lya is doing with the king. I take an other zip from the glass. I hope is margarita. Though I could use a whiskey. A full bottle would suit me well.
Lya is looking at Ela's place. She must be hearing something. Probably sex noise. The king is also looking in that direction. Now they are laughing about it. I didn't hear anything. It pisses me off. Must have been the guy having orgasm. Heh... I can do better then him. He was too quick. Lya and the king look again there, round 2 must have started. They look at each other and they also cover their place. God damn it, they will also have sex. God damn it! both my future ex wife and my future girlfriend have sex on the same place, at the same time, in my dream, in my head, on my bed, in my room, in my half of the rent house... and I'm left on the outside!!! Without getting laid for more then an year and a half... That really has to piss anyone off, even if they are dreaming...
I need to get out of here. Need to do something else. I'm not paying the margarita but I leave a tip. I get out. Going randomly on the streets, thinking about the "nothing box", I arrive at the river. Must be Vtava. I like walking near the river, the alley is nice. There are benches along the way. Romantically placed under whipping willow trees. Perfect for a couple or for brainwashing. As I walk I see the king on a bench. I jump near him. He sees me, get's his mobile out and he says he's calling the police. Why? I ask. He doesn't want me doing anymore pimping. So he was thinking I'm a pimp. I introduced Lya to him, he saw me talking with Ela and that guy as well. The poor bastard was right to think of it. In the end... both of them were having sex in that strange corridor-private-bar thing and I was there watching things closely. I can't be mad at him for thinking it. I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He's still threatens me with calling the private king police force if I want to blackmail him or something. I better walk away. I don't want to mess around with the king's police. Especially since I'm in England and I don't know anybody around the Vtava river which is in Prague, just 30 minutes away walk from the gym-bar thing in Romania where the ninjitsu teacher is holding the class Lya and Ela are taking from Brno...
em...
Those distances don't add up. I better wake up before it gets too awkward and piss me off even more.
Open both eyes. Wide. The light is still dim. Not that early anymore but still 40 minutes before the phone's first alarm. It's okay. There are 4 alarms at 30 minutes each. It looks I won't be late for the Late shift today.
Ela really pissed me off. We are not divorced yet. She doesn't have the right to feel that good. At least I still have a chance with Lya...
I see myself in the mirror. I look pissed. I better smile, Elu toled me to smile in the morning. I smile. I better see a dentist soon. But Elu was right, I like smiling.
Good morning, next thing coffee :D
Sound: it's the computer. I left it running. I went to sleep watching a movie. I don't remember the name, I've seen only 5 minutes. I must not be late, what's the time? It's 8am something. Bleah, too early, I can go back to sleep.
Dreaming. Some sport gym. Has a big room for gymnastic. The trainer is my old ninjitsu trainer. I wonder if he still cares about the 3 months I didn't pay. Doesn't matter now, it's a dream and that was 10 years ago... he seems preoccupied with the class. We are many people, perhaps 30, men and women alike.
Time to go to showers. I meet Lya. I like her. We speak. No clue what about. She always speaks stuff. Stupid problems of her. I always listen. I like her.
I meet some guy. Never seen him before. We speak. He's a nice guy. We both enjoy the conversation. We become buddies. Lya also sees him. She recognize him. He's the king of England. Why is he in my dream talking to me? Never mind. He is not dressed like a king, he seems normal. Lya now speaks with the king. She's saying that she always wanted to be with a king. I'm going for that shower. No point listening to their conversation. I like her.
I'm going for that shower. I meet my future ex wife, Ela. We say hi. Change a few words. We are good friends. We are both feeling awkward. We are like that, ever since we split up, last year. We feal like talking, but there's nothing to talk about. There is some guy with her. I don't know him. He doesn't seem like an acquaintance. There must be something to it. I don't like it. They both seem to act peculiar. Pisses me off. Lya is talking even deeply with the king. He seems amused. Pisses me off even more. I'm going for the shower.
Finally finished. Don't remember taking it but surely I just did. Ela just left with the guy. I see them going. No sign of Lya. Pisses me off.
I get dressed and stuff, going to the gym. It's a big bar there. Open space bar. The hole gym is some sort of bar. Before entering the bar there is a corridor. Nice lights, slow music, and some places for 2 people. They have some sort of movable cover. The ninjitsu trainer is speaking to a couple in one of the things. He speaks loud. Walking past him. He was looking at me while talking to the couple. He still remembers about the money. I can see it in his eyes. I was in high school back then. I'm not giving him the money now.
On the left I see Ela. She's with the guy. In one of the spots for couples. Pisses me off. He has his hand on her leg. It pisses me off. It's way above the knee. Pisses me off. They speak very detached, smiling, with the hand above the knee. She's not like that unless she really means it. God damn it, it really pisses me off. Ela looks at me while I pass by but keeps on smiling and talking with the guy. I keep my cool and pass them.
On the right I see Lya with the king. She's still talking. The king has a forced smile. He's only looking at her breasts. I can resist that. I only do it when she's not looking at me. When she is looking at me, my eyes are fixed on hers. And I listen! But the king is not. The king sees me. He stops smiling. Onl for a second. He smiles again and looks in Lya's eyes and listening. He must know that there is something between me and Lya. He didn't stop smiling when seeing me for no reason. Or perhaps I look too pissed. And I am. I can still see that guy's hand with the back of my head. And she's still smiling, I can feel it! I pass Lya and the king aswell. I'm going for a drink at the bar. Hopefully a strong one. I like her, but she pisses me off also. Damn, I haven't been so pissed in years. Not since 10-th grade when 5 guys were always bulling me around. They were the reason why I went to ninjitsu for 3 months. But I'm still not paying. Even if the sensei is still in my dream.
I take my drink. It's some sort of cocktail. I hope it's a margarita. Never had one. I usually drink whiskey. But I'm not awake now. A margarita is just fine. I hope it is brown in reality. This margarita is certainly brown. And the gym-bar-space is yellow. Except for the walls. They are white. But white is normal for a dream. I turn around. I can see both pairs in the corridor thing on their private couple seats. Damn this pisses me off. Lucky for me I had 3 months of ninjitsu training. I know how to stabilize my heart beat and keep my cool. And that's a good thing, because the guy wraps the couple seats with the thing and I can't see what they are doing. They want to have sex. She never had sex with me if people knew we can do it. It pisses me off. At least I can watch what Lya is doing with the king. I take an other zip from the glass. I hope is margarita. Though I could use a whiskey. A full bottle would suit me well.
Lya is looking at Ela's place. She must be hearing something. Probably sex noise. The king is also looking in that direction. Now they are laughing about it. I didn't hear anything. It pisses me off. Must have been the guy having orgasm. Heh... I can do better then him. He was too quick. Lya and the king look again there, round 2 must have started. They look at each other and they also cover their place. God damn it, they will also have sex. God damn it! both my future ex wife and my future girlfriend have sex on the same place, at the same time, in my dream, in my head, on my bed, in my room, in my half of the rent house... and I'm left on the outside!!! Without getting laid for more then an year and a half... That really has to piss anyone off, even if they are dreaming...
I need to get out of here. Need to do something else. I'm not paying the margarita but I leave a tip. I get out. Going randomly on the streets, thinking about the "nothing box", I arrive at the river. Must be Vtava. I like walking near the river, the alley is nice. There are benches along the way. Romantically placed under whipping willow trees. Perfect for a couple or for brainwashing. As I walk I see the king on a bench. I jump near him. He sees me, get's his mobile out and he says he's calling the police. Why? I ask. He doesn't want me doing anymore pimping. So he was thinking I'm a pimp. I introduced Lya to him, he saw me talking with Ela and that guy as well. The poor bastard was right to think of it. In the end... both of them were having sex in that strange corridor-private-bar thing and I was there watching things closely. I can't be mad at him for thinking it. I feel a bit sorry for the guy. He's still threatens me with calling the private king police force if I want to blackmail him or something. I better walk away. I don't want to mess around with the king's police. Especially since I'm in England and I don't know anybody around the Vtava river which is in Prague, just 30 minutes away walk from the gym-bar thing in Romania where the ninjitsu teacher is holding the class Lya and Ela are taking from Brno...
em...
Those distances don't add up. I better wake up before it gets too awkward and piss me off even more.
Open both eyes. Wide. The light is still dim. Not that early anymore but still 40 minutes before the phone's first alarm. It's okay. There are 4 alarms at 30 minutes each. It looks I won't be late for the Late shift today.
Ela really pissed me off. We are not divorced yet. She doesn't have the right to feel that good. At least I still have a chance with Lya...
I see myself in the mirror. I look pissed. I better smile, Elu toled me to smile in the morning. I smile. I better see a dentist soon. But Elu was right, I like smiling.
Good morning, next thing coffee :D
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Looking at the stars
A clear black sky with brightest stars in such a long time reveals this night. Reiko can only look at their beauty. Silent in the spring's breeze, his eyes fixed on the abstract of the far away lights of the sky, his lips sketching a thin smile, he's thoughts roaming free bumping into on the cliffs of abyss...
If life wouldn't have it's downfalls how could I appreciate its glimpses of happiness?
I'm sure that someone else also realized it before me. It is only logical... we can not appreciate the good things unless we had encountered the bad things. Philosophers said that you can not know the light unless you encountered darkness; and so I can not appreciate the white unless you've also seen the black. The gray is just the path from one to the other. Gray is a gradient and unlike black or white it has many stages of composition between white and black. Black and white, however, are unique - there are only two.
If life can be reduce to black and white then happiness, content, satisfaction, peace and so on can be white, and in antithesis sorrow, discontent, dissatisfaction and struggle should be black - all to their purest form...
And so, Reiko thought, could we enjoy only white or only black, metaphorically speaking? Could I only see things in white without missing the black so much not to be tempted to slide a bit into the gray scale (again)?
Getting a cigarette out, Reiko continued in his flow of thoughts: it is in our nature to always seek and desire everything - we seek to have both white and black and thus we are doomed to always live a gray life. Everything is a combination of positive and negative in our life. I think everybody is searching for the perfect combination of gray for him. Some like 50-50, some like 30-70 and some are seeking 100-0; and i feel sorry for those last bastards... they desire a theoretical mirage which they are not able by nature to achieve.
And so, I see now, if life would not have its downfalls I wouldn't be able to appreciate its rises. I couldn't appreciate happiness unless encountered sorrow, i couldn't appreciate the rain without knowing the dryness and vice-verse, dryness wouldn't be spectacular without too much rain.
A balance - in search for the balance which would satisfy my hunger... And when that perfect balance is reached I can find peace. But perfect peace is monotone... is too much white for me and everyone else, I can endure it for so long. And then I seek a bit of black... I bit of motion and action, a bit of thrilling happiness. And so the balance moves again taking me like a whirlpool to the other side of it. It hits me like a tornado and spins me out of my balance and throws me... somewhere. I need to get up. I need to start moving again... to find the balance.
Squishing the cigarette end into the ashtray Reiko takes a deep breath of air: I like spring, spring it's nice. I love it as equal to autumn, summer or winter. I love them all, without winter i can not enjoy the summer. Without summer i couldn't enjoy winter.
Without happiness i could never enjoy the tears of sorrow and depression. And i love the sorrow for it is surely the path straight to my pursue of happiness - the goal of my programming, my mind's basic rule for ensuring my continuity.
If heaven exists and it's the place of absolute happiness and content... then heaven is the place with no emotions, a place where everybody or everything has no desires thus no goal to thrive or pursue and the hole existence must be reduce to a cold place... There everything must be motionless, desireless, emotionless... Heaven is surely not the place where I'd like to end up for the rest of eternity. This kind of place or plane or dimension or whatever... can not exist for sure unless it is the cold void of nothing.
I love being alive, I'm happy that I exist and I certainly love emotions... they keep me going and they feed my hunger for life.
If life sucks, then life can be beautiful once more - and this thought alone is enough for me to...
Looking up again to the constellations Reiko allowed himself to smile. The stars are beautiful, I should look up to them more often.
... Reiko turned his back to the stars, smiling and thrilling to find what he was looking for so long. "Must be out there, whatever it is..."
If life wouldn't have it's downfalls how could I appreciate its glimpses of happiness?
I'm sure that someone else also realized it before me. It is only logical... we can not appreciate the good things unless we had encountered the bad things. Philosophers said that you can not know the light unless you encountered darkness; and so I can not appreciate the white unless you've also seen the black. The gray is just the path from one to the other. Gray is a gradient and unlike black or white it has many stages of composition between white and black. Black and white, however, are unique - there are only two.
If life can be reduce to black and white then happiness, content, satisfaction, peace and so on can be white, and in antithesis sorrow, discontent, dissatisfaction and struggle should be black - all to their purest form...
And so, Reiko thought, could we enjoy only white or only black, metaphorically speaking? Could I only see things in white without missing the black so much not to be tempted to slide a bit into the gray scale (again)?
Getting a cigarette out, Reiko continued in his flow of thoughts: it is in our nature to always seek and desire everything - we seek to have both white and black and thus we are doomed to always live a gray life. Everything is a combination of positive and negative in our life. I think everybody is searching for the perfect combination of gray for him. Some like 50-50, some like 30-70 and some are seeking 100-0; and i feel sorry for those last bastards... they desire a theoretical mirage which they are not able by nature to achieve.
And so, I see now, if life would not have its downfalls I wouldn't be able to appreciate its rises. I couldn't appreciate happiness unless encountered sorrow, i couldn't appreciate the rain without knowing the dryness and vice-verse, dryness wouldn't be spectacular without too much rain.
A balance - in search for the balance which would satisfy my hunger... And when that perfect balance is reached I can find peace. But perfect peace is monotone... is too much white for me and everyone else, I can endure it for so long. And then I seek a bit of black... I bit of motion and action, a bit of thrilling happiness. And so the balance moves again taking me like a whirlpool to the other side of it. It hits me like a tornado and spins me out of my balance and throws me... somewhere. I need to get up. I need to start moving again... to find the balance.
Squishing the cigarette end into the ashtray Reiko takes a deep breath of air: I like spring, spring it's nice. I love it as equal to autumn, summer or winter. I love them all, without winter i can not enjoy the summer. Without summer i couldn't enjoy winter.
Without happiness i could never enjoy the tears of sorrow and depression. And i love the sorrow for it is surely the path straight to my pursue of happiness - the goal of my programming, my mind's basic rule for ensuring my continuity.
If heaven exists and it's the place of absolute happiness and content... then heaven is the place with no emotions, a place where everybody or everything has no desires thus no goal to thrive or pursue and the hole existence must be reduce to a cold place... There everything must be motionless, desireless, emotionless... Heaven is surely not the place where I'd like to end up for the rest of eternity. This kind of place or plane or dimension or whatever... can not exist for sure unless it is the cold void of nothing.
I love being alive, I'm happy that I exist and I certainly love emotions... they keep me going and they feed my hunger for life.
If life sucks, then life can be beautiful once more - and this thought alone is enough for me to...
Looking up again to the constellations Reiko allowed himself to smile. The stars are beautiful, I should look up to them more often.
... Reiko turned his back to the stars, smiling and thrilling to find what he was looking for so long. "Must be out there, whatever it is..."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Who are WE?
Who are WE?We are humans and we are about 6 and a half billion humans on earth.
Who's Earth?
- around 4.54 billion years old.
- the first self-replicating molecule on Earth is estimated to have appear around 4 billion years ago
- surface: ~510million square km
- it's the third planet from the Sun and it's orbiting it at an average distance of 150 million kilometers.
Who is Sun?
- the Sun's mass is 98.6% of our solar system's mass.
- hydrogen is 74% of it's mass and 92% of the volume, the rest is mostly helium.
- the energy of the sun that disperse all the light is created by nuclear fusion (the hydrogen is transformed into helium)
- temperature at the surface is around 5500°C
- the Sun is more brighter then 85% of the other stars in the galaxy
- from it's light we perceive mostly the yellow color, but the blue spectrum is mostly seen as the reflection of the atmosphere and thus we see the blue sky, also as the degree of the light comes steeper we can see the red/orange light in the atmosphere at dusk and dawn.
Location:
- inner rim of the galaxy at around 24.800 light years from the center.
- the Sun orbits the center of the galaxy with 251km/s and 1 revolution is done in 225-250 million years.
- it takes 1400 years for the solar system to travel 1 light year.
Life cycle:
- 4.57 billion years old
- has around 10 billion years from birth until becomes a red giant (not enough mass for a supernova explosion)
- it will end up as a typical white dwarf (mostly carbon) in about 8-9 billion years from now.
Who's our galaxy?
- age is unknown but the oldest star identified is 13.2 billion years old.
- the Galactic thin disk is estimated to have been formed between 6.5 and 10.1 billion years ago
- current measurements suggest the Andromeda Galaxy (2.5 million years away) is approaching us at 100 to 140 kilometers per second and it will collide with Milky Way in 3 to 4 billion years from now --> kaboom or not kaboom? :)
There are between 200 and 400 BILLION stars in this galaxy.
There is a brute estimate of between 200 and 400 billion galaxies in a meta-galaxy
Can we go forward saying that there might be around 300 billion galaxies in the universe?
So there are "about" 30.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 stars out here... oh wait... did I say there are perhaps 100 trillion cells in your body? well... that's 30 billion of trillion of trillion less cells in your body then there might be stars in the universe...
Talking about a big ego:
Oh... if GOD created the universe... would he care about that bit of nothing growing on a small insignificant planet? If you would say 'yes' then I would say... man you really feel important!!!
And so I conclude: WE are nothing... we are really-really NOTHING... and we are all bound to disappear in less then 4 billion years unless we mass suicide before that.
Here's a nice song to go with this.
Have a good day and long life!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Who am I?
Who are you?
A simple question but with so many meanings and answers. Most likely you'll answer with your name by which you are know or referred to. Your name only implies that you are a human with a reference.
You could think deeply and give a better and more explicit answer... but for that, I can give you a bit of help. I'll help you by asking, what are you?
You are a human being or an individual of the human society. You must go deeper then that, tell me, what is a human?
Again, multiple answers, again a chain of aspects... to really answer a question to it's full you must know the actual universal truth - everything about everything. There is no human to know it, and there will never be someone capable to know everything. He who knows the answer to every question can only be seen as a god in my book, and even he might not know everything. But we are getting away from the subject and that is "who are you, really?"
It seems I used the pick of my existence to find out who I am, what is my purpose, what is the meaning of all this, how it happened... (the years around the age of 25 are considered as pick age - where everything you are doing can be referred to this age, for example the majority of greatest discoveries took place at this age or were sketched/formulated at this time).
So I asked my self just what I'm asking you here. I simply concluded that I am separated entities which are symbiotic (one can not exist without the other): my mind and my body. Let's start with the body, it's simpler, better studied and thus known to us:
A spermatozoon meets an ovule: they mix up their genes and then start dividing creating cells... cell after cell until you are created. How is this happening is absolutely amazing. A metaphor of the process would be: we have the DNA (right image) which is the architect, we have the RNA (the image a bit more down) which are the engineers and we have the common workers (cells/enzymes...) which are constructing as it is planned.
So, these are the brief facts of there is to it:
DNA is a nucleic acid that contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms. The Human DNA has 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chromosome number 1, is approximately 220 million base pairs long. There are around 3 billion base pairs in a human DNA. A gene is a portion of DNA, a segment of nucleic acid that, taken as a whole, specifies a trait. Humans have more then 20.000 genes. RNA is transcribed from DNA by enzymes and is generally further processed by other enzymes. RNA is central to the synthesis of proteins.
Going in more details about this subject is complete insanity unless you found your "other" vocation.
Looking at this number I can conclude that this is not a building anymore... where 50 trillion workers are needed to MAINTAIN a structure I would call this a society. I am a society. The society of my cells... it can also be compared with an ecosystem, but unlike a society of beings, the ecosystem is self sustaining. On the other hand, the society... NEEDS RESOURCES. Lots of them... and here is where the second distinct half of me comes in.
My mind is ruling the society. My mind is the elite of cells with the purpose of coordinating the direction the society is going. My mind has complete control of what to do and it is entrusted with this great power for the hole purpose of taking the correct decisions.
If I tell you that the mind can be compared with an extra efficient computer would you believe me? Yes you would... the mind is a big place place itself also. Stop looking at your mind as your brain, the brain is a mixture between the 50 trillion workers and the elite... it's the place where all the information is gathered, stored, selected and they are used to take the decisions. The brain is only interacting with your mind, it is the hardware for the software. Your mind however, is pure software... countless processes and programs are running to provide the big functionality of the operating system.
Your mind is god damn software. How was your software being created to be what it is? Simple, within the DNA are encoded also the few minimum routines needed to make it work to it's minimum. You have a program for gathering information, one for storing it, you have a program for selecting this information and associating it with other information, you have a program which is collecting data from the society and redirecting the information to the control program. The control program (which we refer to as our mind) is the one taking an info, looking at it, saying: we need food, search in the database for information about food, finds out what it is, how is provided, how to obtain it and deliver it where it suppose to go. It's that simple and yet more complex then that...
The minimum operating level which is constructed (you are baby in this stage) is mostly oriented around need fulfillment, storing information, associating information. When we grow in age we start creating some routines, those sets of rules and algorithms which solve problems easier. In real life we are learning things, more and more until of character is defined. The character of a human is the apogee of the software... now most of the algorithms are created and fully functional... any decision can be easily pulled and executed.
We will continue with a deeper insight about this in an other post, for now we will get back on the subject of "who am I".
I am a society. The organization of this society is totalitarianism. The society is driven and directed by an totalitarian elite which was entrusted with this power for the common good of the society. As every other society, mine is also doomed to die as more and more individuals begin to be tired of this regime and refuse to do their task. There are more then 6 billion of this types of societies on planet Earth at this moment. It takes an average of 70 cycles for the Earth to go around the Sun until one of these societies to collapse in anarchy (death of aging) unless destroyed by other events. In order to maintain this knowledge until the perfect UTOPIAN society (the perfect human) is created colonization must be done (procreation) by combining our freaking awesome plan with an other freaking awesome plan to make (hopefully) an even more freaking awesome plan.
Freaking awesome, right? I am a society...
If you want to know how we evolved to be like this: at a certain point single cell organism discovered in their evolution a new way to survive and started cooperating with other cells. By growing larger and larger, this organisms also evolved a new future, and thus being coordination. Little by little the coordination tasks was given to a specific types of cells and the outcome was an organism - a society of cells which learned to cooperate. It's all simple evolution... the best result of this evolution on earth is seen on humans, which their coordinator system took the shape of individualism, but at a much grater scale. The humans have imposed themselves on earth by applying the same model of coordination, by creating a society. As everything in evolution, societies mutates and learns to thrive in their survival or IT DIES. It's all natural selection...
A society allows its individual members to achieve individual needs or wishes that they could not fulfill separately by themselves. A society is an economic, social or industrial infrastructure, made up of a varied multitude of individuals. Eusociality - the highest level of social organization in a hierarchical classification. The most familiar examples are ants, bees, and wasps as well as termites - all with reproductive queens and more or less sterile workers and/or soldiers.
Anarchy - absence or non-recognition of authority and order in any given sphere.
Cancer is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth (division beyond the normal limits), invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis. Cancer can kill it's host and by doing so it kills it's sustaining environment leading of course to it's own death.
Why is it that we die of old age? I have a theory about that. The theory is that "our plan", our DNA is only developed as long enough to assure the continuity of the plan. Progression in perfecting the plan is a slow process. So... once the final stages of the plan were achieved (our full maturity) our mind takes over as a full coordinator - the plan is discarded as it is of no use to us anymore. Without any full plan to be followed... we are roaming free to contribute to the other plan. The other can only be the plan for our society... we are working on that one. With or without our awareness... this is what we are doing. Our biology encoded in our DNA dictates NOW how the next society will look like. There was a time when the DNA was mutating chaotically in order to produce a good plan. It was a time of uncertainty and chaos.
For thousands of years the humans have lived in chaos and now we are at the point where a plan is taking a shy form. It is certainly not the best plan, but there's an eternity at our disposal to improve this plan. There's only one barrier standing in our way and that is Earth itself. Earth is our host and it will remain so until we manage to spread there in the infinity. There are 2 paths for our future - either we pull it of, either we don't... Either we manage to evolve our society and procreate it and thus survive, either we don't and we die with our host just like cancer... Again said, it's THAT simple... We other do it, we either don't!!!
The Earth and the Sun have been "around here" for quite some time, but they'll not be here forever... nothing keeps it's form forever, nothing last forever... everything is transforming; transforming into something more complex or into something less. Either evolve, either disappear!
I'm an other post I will explain the meaning of life as I concluded. The conclusion is scary and ruthless. There is no meaning... everything is pure chaos... evolution and devolution... If we are to make a purpose to life... let it be evolution... let's evolve! Lets make our own plan, lets be free... Lets free ourselves from the death that awaits us on Earth. Earth's particles came from somewhere and evolved here. Now Earth exists. You evolved and you are here. You exist. The Sun is here and "soon" will start to devolve and die. He'll not get the chance actually... by that time our galaxy will collide with an other galaxy and everything will be destroyed... it's not a catastrophe... it happened before and it will happen again, over and over. It's a catastrophe if we're still here, watching it too close... Have you ever seen a nuclear blast? Check the Tzar Bomb! It's a terrifying beauty... watch from far away is certainly a beauty, watch it too close and you will not like it a bit.
Everybody asks himself at a certain point in our life: who am I? where am I? what's the purpose of all this? what is my purpose in all this?
Finding your answer is crucial to you. Only after you find your answers you are able to accomplish something in your life. Do something with your life. You exist nowt and you are in control of your society. Lead your society, be a good leader or a bad leader... whatever is the puzzle or the question, the answer will always have a 50% chance to be a good one. Either yes, either no. Either you do something, either you don't. Either you survive, either you die. Either you contribute to greatness, either you don't. You can prioritize what's more important, or you can just see where it leads. You can mutate your algorithms that define your character or you can be what you are just now. You can choose to be a better person or you can choose not to. You can evolve or you can devolve. Everything is your choice... this is your free will. Choose!
If you believe in a God, find out what he really want's you to do and start doing it (or you can do the opposite)! If you don't believe in a God then setup your own goals and follow them. No matter the scenario, in the end, our only enemy is ourselves. There's nothing else to fear but fear itself. Study it, process it, accept it and do something about it! We can choose to build the perfect society or we can choose to die here on Earth. We can become greatness or we can become cancer!!! The options for the ending result will always be 50%. Live or die is ours.
Who am I?
I am a human. I am the greatest result of evolution on Earth. I am a complex society and I am also the leader of this society. I am the chooser and the provider: I choose careers, family and friends; I choose altruism over selfishness and I choose selfishness when needed; I chose to contribute and I choose to consume; I choose good over wrong; I choose life over death; I choose as long as I have a choice and I am ONLY what I choose to be.
Do you know who you are? Who are you?
A simple question but with so many meanings and answers. Most likely you'll answer with your name by which you are know or referred to. Your name only implies that you are a human with a reference.
You could think deeply and give a better and more explicit answer... but for that, I can give you a bit of help. I'll help you by asking, what are you?
You are a human being or an individual of the human society. You must go deeper then that, tell me, what is a human?
Again, multiple answers, again a chain of aspects... to really answer a question to it's full you must know the actual universal truth - everything about everything. There is no human to know it, and there will never be someone capable to know everything. He who knows the answer to every question can only be seen as a god in my book, and even he might not know everything. But we are getting away from the subject and that is "who are you, really?"
It seems I used the pick of my existence to find out who I am, what is my purpose, what is the meaning of all this, how it happened... (the years around the age of 25 are considered as pick age - where everything you are doing can be referred to this age, for example the majority of greatest discoveries took place at this age or were sketched/formulated at this time).
So I asked my self just what I'm asking you here. I simply concluded that I am separated entities which are symbiotic (one can not exist without the other): my mind and my body. Let's start with the body, it's simpler, better studied and thus known to us:
A spermatozoon meets an ovule: they mix up their genes and then start dividing creating cells... cell after cell until you are created. How is this happening is absolutely amazing. A metaphor of the process would be: we have the DNA (right image) which is the architect, we have the RNA (the image a bit more down) which are the engineers and we have the common workers (cells/enzymes...) which are constructing as it is planned.So, these are the brief facts of there is to it:
DNA is a nucleic acid that contains the genetic instructions used in the development and functioning of all known living organisms. The Human DNA has 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chromosome number 1, is approximately 220 million base pairs long. There are around 3 billion base pairs in a human DNA. A gene is a portion of DNA, a segment of nucleic acid that, taken as a whole, specifies a trait. Humans have more then 20.000 genes. RNA is transcribed from DNA by enzymes and is generally further processed by other enzymes. RNA is central to the synthesis of proteins.
Going in more details about this subject is complete insanity unless you found your "other" vocation.
The DNA dictates how we are created... it is your sketch... it is YOU. Out of this plan, between 50 and 100 trillion cells are created and they
are working to provide your body the overall functionality. 50 trillion? that's 50.000.000.000.000 individual cells... that's allot, don't you think? It's a pretty good freaking plan...
are working to provide your body the overall functionality. 50 trillion? that's 50.000.000.000.000 individual cells... that's allot, don't you think? It's a pretty good freaking plan...Looking at this number I can conclude that this is not a building anymore... where 50 trillion workers are needed to MAINTAIN a structure I would call this a society. I am a society. The society of my cells... it can also be compared with an ecosystem, but unlike a society of beings, the ecosystem is self sustaining. On the other hand, the society... NEEDS RESOURCES. Lots of them... and here is where the second distinct half of me comes in.
My mind is ruling the society. My mind is the elite of cells with the purpose of coordinating the direction the society is going. My mind has complete control of what to do and it is entrusted with this great power for the hole purpose of taking the correct decisions.
If I tell you that the mind can be compared with an extra efficient computer would you believe me? Yes you would... the mind is a big place place itself also. Stop looking at your mind as your brain, the brain is a mixture between the 50 trillion workers and the elite... it's the place where all the information is gathered, stored, selected and they are used to take the decisions. The brain is only interacting with your mind, it is the hardware for the software. Your mind however, is pure software... countless processes and programs are running to provide the big functionality of the operating system.
Your mind is god damn software. How was your software being created to be what it is? Simple, within the DNA are encoded also the few minimum routines needed to make it work to it's minimum. You have a program for gathering information, one for storing it, you have a program for selecting this information and associating it with other information, you have a program which is collecting data from the society and redirecting the information to the control program. The control program (which we refer to as our mind) is the one taking an info, looking at it, saying: we need food, search in the database for information about food, finds out what it is, how is provided, how to obtain it and deliver it where it suppose to go. It's that simple and yet more complex then that...
The minimum operating level which is constructed (you are baby in this stage) is mostly oriented around need fulfillment, storing information, associating information. When we grow in age we start creating some routines, those sets of rules and algorithms which solve problems easier. In real life we are learning things, more and more until of character is defined. The character of a human is the apogee of the software... now most of the algorithms are created and fully functional... any decision can be easily pulled and executed.
We will continue with a deeper insight about this in an other post, for now we will get back on the subject of "who am I".
I am a society. The organization of this society is totalitarianism. The society is driven and directed by an totalitarian elite which was entrusted with this power for the common good of the society. As every other society, mine is also doomed to die as more and more individuals begin to be tired of this regime and refuse to do their task. There are more then 6 billion of this types of societies on planet Earth at this moment. It takes an average of 70 cycles for the Earth to go around the Sun until one of these societies to collapse in anarchy (death of aging) unless destroyed by other events. In order to maintain this knowledge until the perfect UTOPIAN society (the perfect human) is created colonization must be done (procreation) by combining our freaking awesome plan with an other freaking awesome plan to make (hopefully) an even more freaking awesome plan.
Freaking awesome, right? I am a society...
If you want to know how we evolved to be like this: at a certain point single cell organism discovered in their evolution a new way to survive and started cooperating with other cells. By growing larger and larger, this organisms also evolved a new future, and thus being coordination. Little by little the coordination tasks was given to a specific types of cells and the outcome was an organism - a society of cells which learned to cooperate. It's all simple evolution... the best result of this evolution on earth is seen on humans, which their coordinator system took the shape of individualism, but at a much grater scale. The humans have imposed themselves on earth by applying the same model of coordination, by creating a society. As everything in evolution, societies mutates and learns to thrive in their survival or IT DIES. It's all natural selection...
A society allows its individual members to achieve individual needs or wishes that they could not fulfill separately by themselves. A society is an economic, social or industrial infrastructure, made up of a varied multitude of individuals. Eusociality - the highest level of social organization in a hierarchical classification. The most familiar examples are ants, bees, and wasps as well as termites - all with reproductive queens and more or less sterile workers and/or soldiers.
Anarchy - absence or non-recognition of authority and order in any given sphere.
Cancer is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth (division beyond the normal limits), invasion (intrusion on and destruction of adjacent tissues), and sometimes metastasis. Cancer can kill it's host and by doing so it kills it's sustaining environment leading of course to it's own death.
Why is it that we die of old age? I have a theory about that. The theory is that "our plan", our DNA is only developed as long enough to assure the continuity of the plan. Progression in perfecting the plan is a slow process. So... once the final stages of the plan were achieved (our full maturity) our mind takes over as a full coordinator - the plan is discarded as it is of no use to us anymore. Without any full plan to be followed... we are roaming free to contribute to the other plan. The other can only be the plan for our society... we are working on that one. With or without our awareness... this is what we are doing. Our biology encoded in our DNA dictates NOW how the next society will look like. There was a time when the DNA was mutating chaotically in order to produce a good plan. It was a time of uncertainty and chaos.
For thousands of years the humans have lived in chaos and now we are at the point where a plan is taking a shy form. It is certainly not the best plan, but there's an eternity at our disposal to improve this plan. There's only one barrier standing in our way and that is Earth itself. Earth is our host and it will remain so until we manage to spread there in the infinity. There are 2 paths for our future - either we pull it of, either we don't... Either we manage to evolve our society and procreate it and thus survive, either we don't and we die with our host just like cancer... Again said, it's THAT simple... We other do it, we either don't!!!
The Earth and the Sun have been "around here" for quite some time, but they'll not be here forever... nothing keeps it's form forever, nothing last forever... everything is transforming; transforming into something more complex or into something less. Either evolve, either disappear!I'm an other post I will explain the meaning of life as I concluded. The conclusion is scary and ruthless. There is no meaning... everything is pure chaos... evolution and devolution... If we are to make a purpose to life... let it be evolution... let's evolve! Lets make our own plan, lets be free... Lets free ourselves from the death that awaits us on Earth. Earth's particles came from somewhere and evolved here. Now Earth exists. You evolved and you are here. You exist. The Sun is here and "soon" will start to devolve and die. He'll not get the chance actually... by that time our galaxy will collide with an other galaxy and everything will be destroyed... it's not a catastrophe... it happened before and it will happen again, over and over. It's a catastrophe if we're still here, watching it too close... Have you ever seen a nuclear blast? Check the Tzar Bomb! It's a terrifying beauty... watch from far away is certainly a beauty, watch it too close and you will not like it a bit.
Everybody asks himself at a certain point in our life: who am I? where am I? what's the purpose of all this? what is my purpose in all this?
Finding your answer is crucial to you. Only after you find your answers you are able to accomplish something in your life. Do something with your life. You exist nowt and you are in control of your society. Lead your society, be a good leader or a bad leader... whatever is the puzzle or the question, the answer will always have a 50% chance to be a good one. Either yes, either no. Either you do something, either you don't. Either you survive, either you die. Either you contribute to greatness, either you don't. You can prioritize what's more important, or you can just see where it leads. You can mutate your algorithms that define your character or you can be what you are just now. You can choose to be a better person or you can choose not to. You can evolve or you can devolve. Everything is your choice... this is your free will. Choose!
If you believe in a God, find out what he really want's you to do and start doing it (or you can do the opposite)! If you don't believe in a God then setup your own goals and follow them. No matter the scenario, in the end, our only enemy is ourselves. There's nothing else to fear but fear itself. Study it, process it, accept it and do something about it! We can choose to build the perfect society or we can choose to die here on Earth. We can become greatness or we can become cancer!!! The options for the ending result will always be 50%. Live or die is ours.
Who am I?
I am a human. I am the greatest result of evolution on Earth. I am a complex society and I am also the leader of this society. I am the chooser and the provider: I choose careers, family and friends; I choose altruism over selfishness and I choose selfishness when needed; I chose to contribute and I choose to consume; I choose good over wrong; I choose life over death; I choose as long as I have a choice and I am ONLY what I choose to be.
Do you know who you are? Who are you?
Monday, March 16, 2009
Where am I?
"Where am I?" or "Rage"
I can't decide truly which of those is the actual best fitted title of what I want to write about. I am enraged and it's outrageous!!!
Everything is pure insanity. I am ecstatic by the fact that I am here, now, at this very moment, having all the freedom to do almost everything and yet bounded to do nothing... I know who I am, I know how I got here, but what I don't know yet is what now?
I live in a society that is following some basic set of rules. The rules are following the lines of freedom; individual freedom, group freedom, freedom as a concept. So many great philosophers turned this aspect on all the sides taking each small area of the concept and elaborating upon it that everyone has no more idea what freedom really is. I have no actual insight to give upon, I have no secret knowledge at my disposal, I might even know very little on the matter or at least a bit less then you might. But what I did figure out so far, my freedom starts from where I am and it finishes where somebody else's freedom begins.
Our current society is trying to mimic this idea into laws, putting barriers and drawing borders where we should not cross nor trespass. The punishment for stepping over those borders is yet still too light in my opinion. People have no fear of crossing them...
But yet here resides the most interesting anomaly of our society: once we start defining borders for freedom, the freedom itself is being chopped. The more borders, the more pieces of chopped freedom... the more we try to define freedom into general behavior the more we are strangling it by the neck - suffocating it! Once you start making laws you are only surrounding people with confinement - we are creating prisons around us!!! Even if you are aware of it, though most likely you are not, I believe that some genetic low within us is sending us signals to start crushing down barriers, one by one. Isn't this how humanity evolved? stepping over barriers, one by one...? I'm not speaking about hormonal driven deranged people which like doing bad stuff to others just so they would have a kick out of it... I'm speaking about day-to-day "normal" (hence the quotes as normal is still not defined) people having the impulse of breaking a law, as innocent or insignificant as it seems... is it the rush of adrenaline? your need for having power, even psychological power over things imposed to you? is it our genetic written selfishness? or is it that you just want to feel a taste of more freedom?
I'm absolutely convinced that anyone reading this has done at least a few times something they wasn't suppose to, which comes in direct conflict with the society. If you have the impulse to say "I didn't" think hard when you tried to steal that candy or throwing a piece of paper on the sidewalk, or the time when you jumped into the buss without a ticket...
What actually keeps us away from becoming criminals or condemned felons is only our own set of values which burned in our character since we were kids. You can say that you were thought to be like that... yes, you were! When you are borne in a society you are bound to be part of it. We are social beings and we can not afford the damnation of being excluded from it. THE RULES OF SOCIETY ARE IMPOSED TO YOU!
So, you might wonder, where is all this going to? Is there a point speaking about it? Yes it is and the point is: should we follow the rules of society or should we shape our society based on our freedom? Our society has mutated... it's one big freaking complex mutant!!! All the inter-relationships between economics, human behavior, inherited morals, preconceptions, actual conceptions and so many others... they mutated year after year, century after century... and here we are! Do you need an example argument? The only best example which comes into my mind is nudism... yes... I'm also ashamed or at lest worried not to be seen nude... even when going to the shower after an intense hour of squash I have a bit of shame of walking around naked... it's really NOTHING to be shamed of... but can you help it? While everyone was thought that it's a shame to do that, decade after decade... here we are, being shamed of something which should be perfectly natural. Since we are here on this subject, I believe that our need of cloths back in the prehistoric age changed everything... once people started using cloths and years past by, people integrated undressing the partner into their sex ceremony (yes, it's still a hole freaking ceremony when you want to have sex). And if nudism isn't a convincing example, here's an other one for you: talking about sex. It has been taboo for so much time that we still have difficulty in expressing it. I for one would feel quite uncomfortable in a conversation about favorite position, how I like it and so forth...
To resume to the point... it's a freaking mutant society!!!
And the most interesting part of this mutant is that it can not be "normal" again once mutating over and over again. Only a sharp scalpel cut that would shake the very foundations of the concept is able to actually take society to a good path. A golden utopic society (which of course by it's utopic nature is not even remotely real).
As one buddy just a few hours ago said - we are daily loosing our unique individuality. Yes Mihai, you are correct (90% chance you were speaking about something else) - every day we're becoming just as everybody else... little by little we are becoming fully social beings, bounded by society rules, following the society's models, becoming one with the society. We are now in the full process of transhumance.
We started to be made by the society and we have stopped long time ago forming the society by our individual image. We are just sheep marching, eating, marching... and the society itself is our shepherd... driving us, taking us... somewhere...
Tell me, who's actually leading your society? Only then you will know who to ask WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING?
But I guess that when you're taking a good look at your "shepherd" you do the same as most of us do... turning the head the other way trying to get rid of the disgusting grimace of your face... besides... you're just an other sheep and you're happy for your freedom to take an other bite of the fresh sweet green grass!
I on the other hand do not find my place here. A part of me wants to fill the need of being a social person and let things as they are, an other part is raged and it's screams of freedom remain without echo... and then... there is one more part... the third... which says let's change something, let's start with that...
P.S. - why shouldn't I use special words in public? Are you ashamed? FUCK YOU AND YOUR RULES!
I can't decide truly which of those is the actual best fitted title of what I want to write about. I am enraged and it's outrageous!!!
Everything is pure insanity. I am ecstatic by the fact that I am here, now, at this very moment, having all the freedom to do almost everything and yet bounded to do nothing... I know who I am, I know how I got here, but what I don't know yet is what now?
I live in a society that is following some basic set of rules. The rules are following the lines of freedom; individual freedom, group freedom, freedom as a concept. So many great philosophers turned this aspect on all the sides taking each small area of the concept and elaborating upon it that everyone has no more idea what freedom really is. I have no actual insight to give upon, I have no secret knowledge at my disposal, I might even know very little on the matter or at least a bit less then you might. But what I did figure out so far, my freedom starts from where I am and it finishes where somebody else's freedom begins.
Our current society is trying to mimic this idea into laws, putting barriers and drawing borders where we should not cross nor trespass. The punishment for stepping over those borders is yet still too light in my opinion. People have no fear of crossing them...
But yet here resides the most interesting anomaly of our society: once we start defining borders for freedom, the freedom itself is being chopped. The more borders, the more pieces of chopped freedom... the more we try to define freedom into general behavior the more we are strangling it by the neck - suffocating it! Once you start making laws you are only surrounding people with confinement - we are creating prisons around us!!! Even if you are aware of it, though most likely you are not, I believe that some genetic low within us is sending us signals to start crushing down barriers, one by one. Isn't this how humanity evolved? stepping over barriers, one by one...? I'm not speaking about hormonal driven deranged people which like doing bad stuff to others just so they would have a kick out of it... I'm speaking about day-to-day "normal" (hence the quotes as normal is still not defined) people having the impulse of breaking a law, as innocent or insignificant as it seems... is it the rush of adrenaline? your need for having power, even psychological power over things imposed to you? is it our genetic written selfishness? or is it that you just want to feel a taste of more freedom?
I'm absolutely convinced that anyone reading this has done at least a few times something they wasn't suppose to, which comes in direct conflict with the society. If you have the impulse to say "I didn't" think hard when you tried to steal that candy or throwing a piece of paper on the sidewalk, or the time when you jumped into the buss without a ticket...
What actually keeps us away from becoming criminals or condemned felons is only our own set of values which burned in our character since we were kids. You can say that you were thought to be like that... yes, you were! When you are borne in a society you are bound to be part of it. We are social beings and we can not afford the damnation of being excluded from it. THE RULES OF SOCIETY ARE IMPOSED TO YOU!
So, you might wonder, where is all this going to? Is there a point speaking about it? Yes it is and the point is: should we follow the rules of society or should we shape our society based on our freedom? Our society has mutated... it's one big freaking complex mutant!!! All the inter-relationships between economics, human behavior, inherited morals, preconceptions, actual conceptions and so many others... they mutated year after year, century after century... and here we are! Do you need an example argument? The only best example which comes into my mind is nudism... yes... I'm also ashamed or at lest worried not to be seen nude... even when going to the shower after an intense hour of squash I have a bit of shame of walking around naked... it's really NOTHING to be shamed of... but can you help it? While everyone was thought that it's a shame to do that, decade after decade... here we are, being shamed of something which should be perfectly natural. Since we are here on this subject, I believe that our need of cloths back in the prehistoric age changed everything... once people started using cloths and years past by, people integrated undressing the partner into their sex ceremony (yes, it's still a hole freaking ceremony when you want to have sex). And if nudism isn't a convincing example, here's an other one for you: talking about sex. It has been taboo for so much time that we still have difficulty in expressing it. I for one would feel quite uncomfortable in a conversation about favorite position, how I like it and so forth...
To resume to the point... it's a freaking mutant society!!!
And the most interesting part of this mutant is that it can not be "normal" again once mutating over and over again. Only a sharp scalpel cut that would shake the very foundations of the concept is able to actually take society to a good path. A golden utopic society (which of course by it's utopic nature is not even remotely real).
As one buddy just a few hours ago said - we are daily loosing our unique individuality. Yes Mihai, you are correct (90% chance you were speaking about something else) - every day we're becoming just as everybody else... little by little we are becoming fully social beings, bounded by society rules, following the society's models, becoming one with the society. We are now in the full process of transhumance.
We started to be made by the society and we have stopped long time ago forming the society by our individual image. We are just sheep marching, eating, marching... and the society itself is our shepherd... driving us, taking us... somewhere...
Tell me, who's actually leading your society? Only then you will know who to ask WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING?
But I guess that when you're taking a good look at your "shepherd" you do the same as most of us do... turning the head the other way trying to get rid of the disgusting grimace of your face... besides... you're just an other sheep and you're happy for your freedom to take an other bite of the fresh sweet green grass!
I on the other hand do not find my place here. A part of me wants to fill the need of being a social person and let things as they are, an other part is raged and it's screams of freedom remain without echo... and then... there is one more part... the third... which says let's change something, let's start with that...
P.S. - why shouldn't I use special words in public? Are you ashamed? FUCK YOU AND YOUR RULES!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Family, friends and foes (I)
There are 5 types of people around you and they daily influence your freaking life: family, friends, foes, mate and others. If I were to categorize people from my obtuse angle, those 5 would be it.
Family
Almost everyone has some special people which fall under this category. Most likely everyone puts here their blood relatives (and perhaps include their mate). My criteria is not special, it's just like this and perhaps any other regular Joes out there.
I could fill endless pages about them, you could as well... some funny things, some cushy ones, sad and joy... all is there... in the unwritten pages.
But what I'll write about them is how interesting my view is or rather how they influence my life. They are "out there", far away, as I have departed on my own path.
Short description:
- mother: kind and smart, hunted by her mother's genetic legacy (cheap and selfish)
- father: kind and extra smart, overweight and sensitive to emotions lately
- brother: 8 years older, has "it's own family", genetic inheritance: stubborn, kind, family guy
- cousin: 4 years older, has "it's own family", always in debts, scary face and muscle mass, also kind
- my father's parents: either love them, either hate them
- my mother's mother: she's quite a character...
- my mother's sister: also my god-mother at the wedding, very kind, lovely character, good friend with my future ex wife.
- a few others...
- me: 1000km away from them!
Well, with all the distance... I can say they still make quite a stir in my life. Of course everyone is bound to the unsaid rule of helping the others in need or doing it without asking. And from this bounding is getting out all the interesting things.
For example my folks are trying to give me advices on what to do with my upcoming divorce... of course I kindly reject their opinions since they have absolutely no clue how things actually work in my world. I'm still glad I haven't said anything for an year or so to them about this separation between me and my wife...
Get your head straight, find out what you want - then share it with them. Otherwise... they'll pawn me with their opinions: you should do this, you should go there, come back from where you are, don't buy that car - eats too much gas, have you been to the dentist? when are you moving to a different flat? and etc... I believe the word is nagging :)
But no matter what they say, no matter what they do: they are my family and I'll go right over everything... perhaps say "chill" or pretend I didn't hear something... and go back as being family.
The point of where they stay in my universe is "there". For some reason I like being far way and yet I enjoy seeing and hearing them. Perhaps is the good times that lure me into it and most certainly, somehow, a distance must be kept.
Only by keeping a distance I can go on with my plans and life in general with as little influence possible.
My father get's influenced allot by "his folks"... sometimes good, most of the time not that good. And they sure like getting involved...
Everything get's me thinking: how will I be with my kids? Ok, I know I'll be scary dad for them until they grow up... I'll do it for their sake of course. But what will happen afterwards: will I be a control freak? will I manage to let go and keep the balance between nagging and giving a good advice when needed? Will I be referred to as a good parent by them? Will I be in good terms with my brother even when I'll be 70 years old and senile? :D
Would you?
One thing is sure about family... time passes by and at a certain point I'll wish to have spent more time with them.
Family
Almost everyone has some special people which fall under this category. Most likely everyone puts here their blood relatives (and perhaps include their mate). My criteria is not special, it's just like this and perhaps any other regular Joes out there.
I could fill endless pages about them, you could as well... some funny things, some cushy ones, sad and joy... all is there... in the unwritten pages.
But what I'll write about them is how interesting my view is or rather how they influence my life. They are "out there", far away, as I have departed on my own path.
Short description:
- mother: kind and smart, hunted by her mother's genetic legacy (cheap and selfish)
- father: kind and extra smart, overweight and sensitive to emotions lately
- brother: 8 years older, has "it's own family", genetic inheritance: stubborn, kind, family guy
- cousin: 4 years older, has "it's own family", always in debts, scary face and muscle mass, also kind
- my father's parents: either love them, either hate them
- my mother's mother: she's quite a character...
- my mother's sister: also my god-mother at the wedding, very kind, lovely character, good friend with my future ex wife.
- a few others...
- me: 1000km away from them!
Well, with all the distance... I can say they still make quite a stir in my life. Of course everyone is bound to the unsaid rule of helping the others in need or doing it without asking. And from this bounding is getting out all the interesting things.
For example my folks are trying to give me advices on what to do with my upcoming divorce... of course I kindly reject their opinions since they have absolutely no clue how things actually work in my world. I'm still glad I haven't said anything for an year or so to them about this separation between me and my wife...
Get your head straight, find out what you want - then share it with them. Otherwise... they'll pawn me with their opinions: you should do this, you should go there, come back from where you are, don't buy that car - eats too much gas, have you been to the dentist? when are you moving to a different flat? and etc... I believe the word is nagging :)
But no matter what they say, no matter what they do: they are my family and I'll go right over everything... perhaps say "chill" or pretend I didn't hear something... and go back as being family.
The point of where they stay in my universe is "there". For some reason I like being far way and yet I enjoy seeing and hearing them. Perhaps is the good times that lure me into it and most certainly, somehow, a distance must be kept.
Only by keeping a distance I can go on with my plans and life in general with as little influence possible.
My father get's influenced allot by "his folks"... sometimes good, most of the time not that good. And they sure like getting involved...
Everything get's me thinking: how will I be with my kids? Ok, I know I'll be scary dad for them until they grow up... I'll do it for their sake of course. But what will happen afterwards: will I be a control freak? will I manage to let go and keep the balance between nagging and giving a good advice when needed? Will I be referred to as a good parent by them? Will I be in good terms with my brother even when I'll be 70 years old and senile? :D
Would you?
One thing is sure about family... time passes by and at a certain point I'll wish to have spent more time with them.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Feeding Time and Vinton Cerf
It's feeding time and the first steps to feed this bloggy are apparently setuped: blog, feedburner, facebook.
It's interesting how the world goes around within internet. Companies and respectively their web pages learn to coexist and collaborate.
Thumbs up: thank you Vinton Cerf, ARPA made the world a better place!!!
It's interesting how the world goes around within internet. Companies and respectively their web pages learn to coexist and collaborate.
Thumbs up: thank you Vinton Cerf, ARPA made the world a better place!!!
Friday 13-th
Well... sometimes coincidence is funky.
Friday 13-th.
I'm updating the blog with a MEGA post... I'm writing for about an hour with all the interruptions from my friends asking me stuff... Yes, I was home, having my "morning" coffee and ideas were flowing into words like the amazon rushing towards the ocean.
It would have been a nice post, you would have like it for sure, acidic and sublimely funny... but Friday the 13-th kicks in and my unsaved almost finished post dies with the browser... WTF I ask my self... no matter what I wanted to write... WEIRD shit was happening with my "things" on the screen. I check the processes for some weird Trojan or other viruses (the mouse was still working)... nothing... I'm saying stupid Windows and restart the comp.
PC is starting and jams at the boot... "Shit" I say to myself boiling with anger. After some shut down and reboots... I'm at the windows log-on screen, trying to type the password... any letter typing... ERROR - Bad password... WTF!?!
Aha... so the keyboard is dead, fried and screwed... damn it!
My flat colleague takes the keyboard for a test... works like new... I put it back at my PC... works fine... oh - and yes, I was unplugging it out and in of the PC before...
So no MEGA funny acidic post no more, thank you Friday the 13-th.
[...]
A few hour later... I get to work for an other night-shift. The guy from the late-shift says:
- our Manager will be changed for 1-st of April (I had a deal with him concerning my salary... mega sucks)
- we have 1 person to many in the team for our current workload (somebody might get booted... sucks)
- we will move to the second floor (we are alone here during the night so moving there would mean lots of other people around... sucks)
What can I say... THANK YOU Friday the 13-th, I'AM NOT A SUPERSTITIOUS GUY BUT YOU SURE ARE TRYING YOUR BEST TO PROVE ME I'M WRONG...
Therefore: YouTube of the day
Friday 13-th.
I'm updating the blog with a MEGA post... I'm writing for about an hour with all the interruptions from my friends asking me stuff... Yes, I was home, having my "morning" coffee and ideas were flowing into words like the amazon rushing towards the ocean.
It would have been a nice post, you would have like it for sure, acidic and sublimely funny... but Friday the 13-th kicks in and my unsaved almost finished post dies with the browser... WTF I ask my self... no matter what I wanted to write... WEIRD shit was happening with my "things" on the screen. I check the processes for some weird Trojan or other viruses (the mouse was still working)... nothing... I'm saying stupid Windows and restart the comp.
PC is starting and jams at the boot... "Shit" I say to myself boiling with anger. After some shut down and reboots... I'm at the windows log-on screen, trying to type the password... any letter typing... ERROR - Bad password... WTF!?!
Aha... so the keyboard is dead, fried and screwed... damn it!
My flat colleague takes the keyboard for a test... works like new... I put it back at my PC... works fine... oh - and yes, I was unplugging it out and in of the PC before...
So no MEGA funny acidic post no more, thank you Friday the 13-th.
[...]
A few hour later... I get to work for an other night-shift. The guy from the late-shift says:
- our Manager will be changed for 1-st of April (I had a deal with him concerning my salary... mega sucks)
- we have 1 person to many in the team for our current workload (somebody might get booted... sucks)
- we will move to the second floor (we are alone here during the night so moving there would mean lots of other people around... sucks)
What can I say... THANK YOU Friday the 13-th, I'AM NOT A SUPERSTITIOUS GUY BUT YOU SURE ARE TRYING YOUR BEST TO PROVE ME I'M WRONG...
Therefore: YouTube of the day
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Day one
Some times you just ought to be there.
There is most certainly a cloud of virtual stuff. Among those I can mention a few but I'll just mention facebook for the moment.
I started using facebook about 3 weeks back and I did it just to contact someone for a certain collaboration (I'll get to this later). While I was setting up the account "facebook" recommended me a few people which I might know... how in the world did he knew about them... I'm still puzzled. I'll not go into details about it but it's damn suspicious :D
And so, I got facebooking... and crawling through it just to see what it is all about. I can say that it surprised me in a pleasant way... now friends which are updating their status 3-4 times a day doesn't seem that off now-a-days. We're "playing" games together, sending each other stupid flowers or sweet teddies, songs and posters, jokes and so one... it's catchy and it's out there: facebook.
Btw, after this 3 weeks I remembered why I joined facebook in the first place and asked that person what I intended back then.
There is most certainly a cloud of virtual stuff. Among those I can mention a few but I'll just mention facebook for the moment.
I started using facebook about 3 weeks back and I did it just to contact someone for a certain collaboration (I'll get to this later). While I was setting up the account "facebook" recommended me a few people which I might know... how in the world did he knew about them... I'm still puzzled. I'll not go into details about it but it's damn suspicious :D
And so, I got facebooking... and crawling through it just to see what it is all about. I can say that it surprised me in a pleasant way... now friends which are updating their status 3-4 times a day doesn't seem that off now-a-days. We're "playing" games together, sending each other stupid flowers or sweet teddies, songs and posters, jokes and so one... it's catchy and it's out there: facebook.
Btw, after this 3 weeks I remembered why I joined facebook in the first place and asked that person what I intended back then.
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